One step at a time

22

Bradly Newman

Her words held truth, I was never there for her I sat there and laughed at her expense I always thought it was a game to her, I thought she never took anything to heart when it came to me but like everything the truth always comes out. I lost Lissa not because of her cancer not because of something she did but because of something I did. I did this to us and I had no idea how to fix it or if I even can fix it. Could this be fixed? The fact that I now know that she doesn't trust me burns. It stings I always thought of her as my angel someone I could go to when anything got rough, I went to her when I realized I had feelings for Martin that's how much I trusted her, But she couldn't even trust me enough to tell me she had a fiancé. We are twins we have a certain bond, a connection not only as siblings but as twins we shared the same womb we share the same birthday and we always will. I would trust her with my life yet she couldn't trust me with hers and that's something I did to us I broke the connection.

We still had this one week together before we both went off to school but maybe it would be best if I go to school and leave her on her own or maybe Martin could stay home. "What's up dude?" Martin asked as he walked through my bedroom door. Normally I would light up when he walked in it always felt like he was my gravity like he held me to the ground but right now I was too down to even say anything. Maybe he could help me fix what I broke. "Lissa told me that she doesn't trust me" The look on Martin's face told it all. He already knew this information.

"She always told me she never trusted you I never understood I still don't but hey she does what she does so she can cope with the trauma she faced" Martin would always stand by Lissa I always thought it was because he understood her more than anyone but he didn't he just stood by her because they were friends, Best friends he knew more about her then I did and I was her blood. "How do I fix this? I didn't mean to act like that I just thought they were joking I knew she was getting bullied but I thought it was something she could handle if she couldn't she could always come to me I thought she knew that" I was becoming more and more depressed.

"Mel is the kind of person who won't ask for help I thought you would know that she would drown before reaching out which is why I observe her she may think no one noticed her behavior but I did I always will Mel comes before anyone in my books shes been dragged through the wringer and back I don't even think I would be able to handle 10% of what she's been through and even I don't know it all there is a whole heap of shit she keeps to herself there's no way you can fix it if she doesn't want it to be fixed shes given up" I didn't know what was worse her words or the fact that Martin has told me that she's given up on me. "Not just you, everyone Blake hasn't spoken to her in 2 weeks, and she getting to the point where she doesn't care anymore and she was in love with him for a long time she loved Noah but she settled for him because she knew that she would never get Blake well that's what she thought I shouldn't even be telling you this" Martin shook his head at himself.

"What I'm saying is if it was up to her she wouldn't have anyone but herself she thinks she doesn't need anyone and to a point, she doesn't but sometimes she needs someone to lean on and that's when I come in" They had an understanding, They understood what the other needed and when it was like they had the same mind and it was somehow connected. They acted more like siblings than Lissa and me. Martin left the room so I had time to think.

Later that day I walked into the kitchen to find Lissa at the table eating the rest of her sandwich that she left on the table after our argument. When she spotted me she left the kitchen her eyes connected with mine for a second just a second before she made her way back to her room. For some reason, I feel like this was going to be happening a lot and for a while.

The last week of my holiday was spent trying to talk to Lissa while she tried to avoid me, Tomorrow she would have to talk to me we went to the same school and we had all the same classes she couldn't ignore me forever. Well that's what I thought she didn't even wait for me she left in her car forcing Martin and myself to take my car something I haven't driven since she returned. "I don't know what to do Martin" I whispered as we entered the school carpark. "Just leave it for now she needs to come to you but because she's avoiding you she's avoiding me too so I hope this doesn't last long" When lunchtime rolled around she was nowhere in sight in fact she never showed up at all and everyone was questioning it. "Wheres your sister?" Tony asked as he sat down at our table. Sighing I had to tell them.

"We had an argument a week ago where I told her she was being reckless and she told me she doesn't trust me and hasn't since we were 12 that was the last time I spoke to her she refuses to speak to anyone" That made Blake lookup. "What could you have possibly done to break her trust your her brother" Tony said baffled. "He stood by watching and laughing as his friends would constantly put her down and he watched as Sierra beat the living shit out of her" Blake spoke from the end of the table. "How is it that everyone knew that but me?" I asked the table. "I use to be her best friend she told me everything" Blake looked at Martin. "Excuse me use to be? You still are I've been jealous of that for a long time every time I bring up the fact that I'm her best friend she looks at me and says that can't be possible that title is already filled by Blake and even though your amazing no one could replace him even if they tried Blake your still her best friend"

Blake smiled at that information is that why he had been shitty these last few weeks because he thought he was being replaced. "If anyone got replaced while she was gone it was me Blake not you" I spoke sadly. Lunch was spent with everyone looking around waiting for Lissa to show up. That never happened and this went on for an entire week she was avoiding the whole group I had no idea why but she was and when she was in class she avoided everyone and sat by herself. "She just needs time" Martin constantly said 5 times a day at the least. We were all becoming impatient as the days passed by. I needed to fix this and I needed to fix it now while I still have her around or before she decided it was time to leave again.

Lissa was in the lounge when we arrived home she was just about to leave when I approached her. "Lissa please listen to me I'm sorry I didn't realize what I was doing" Everything I said went in one ear and out the other as she desperately tried to get out of my grip. "Bradly let go your hurting me" She hadn't called me Bradly in a long time it was either Lee or Brad when she was pissed at me, This told me she was beyond pissed. I could see the bruise forming when I let go of her that added another thing I could kick myself for later.

Lissa stormed into her room. "Great one Brad" Martin shook his head at me but I was going to fix this and I was going to fix it tonight. I opened her door no longer letting her have her space. "You're going to listen to me even if I have to stay here all night, Lissa I always thought of you as my angel I was never ashamed of you ever, Your weight didn't mean anything to me I loved you the way you were and I always will I didn't know that the way I acted bothered you, You could have talked to me and I would have fixed it I didn't know acting like that caused you pain I thought it was all fun and games like a sibling war kind of thing I didn't know that was I was doing made you look at me differently I didn't know if you would have told me I would have acted different" By the end I had tears flowing down my face and I didn't care I wanted to show Lissa how bad I felt how this had all affected me and how it still does.

I was having a full-on crying fit at the end of her bed and she tilted her head while she looked at me. "I never saw you differently I just lost trust in you, I never thought that was possible growing up with you, I love you Lee and I always will but I don't think I would ever be able to trust you again and that's okay I'm not angry at you I'm angry at myself that should have never come out of my mouth at that time, I should have kept it to myself that's something among the whole lot of other things that I have to live with" She would never trust me again but maybe I could settle with some kind of relationship and we could build from that. "I didn't see you differently, I never have its just certain things I keep to myself because I can't trust that you would be there for me and if I give myself to you I don't have full confidence that you would catch me and hold me, You run when things get hard we both do but I run when it's myself and I can contain it you run when it's not yourself you run when others become too much"  Once again she was telling the truth but this time it was something I could live with, It was something that I could put aside as long as I had my sister I would live with everything she threw at me.