Panem High School {COMPLETED}

Chapter 20 - Johanna

(Johanna's POV)

I'm a bit worried about Clove. The next day, when I see her at school, I can tell immediately something's wrong. She denies it, says she's fine, but I'm not buying it.

It takes me a few weeks to notice that at the same time I saw something was wrong, she started wearing long-sleeve shirts. It's actually a Saturday when I realize that, but there's no way I'm waiting until Monday to talk to her. Especially now that (I think) I know what's wrong.

My parents are both gone, so I decide to just walk to her house. I still remember the way to her neighborhood, and once I'm there I can probably ask a few neighbors and figure out which house is hers.

It takes about an hour, longer than I thought it would, to walk there. Finally, I arrive, sweaty and out of breath but in one piece. I walk up to the first house on the street and knock.

After three more tries, a woman finally opens the door. She has a baby in her arms, a cigarette in her mouth, and two toddlers staring out at me from behind her legs. "What to you want?"

I start to answer but she cuts me off. "You're not a social worker, are you?"

I give her an 'are you stupid?' look. "Does it look like Im a social worker?"

She shrugs. "Could be."

I roll my eyes. "Im in high school. Im just looking for a friend of mine. Do you know where the Sevina's live?"

She thinks a minute, then points to a house down the street. "There. But I wouldn't tangle with that family." I frown skeptically at her as she closes the door, but I decide to let it go. I walk off towards Clove's house.

I knock loudly on her front door. I'm about to knock again when the front door slowly opens and I'm confronted with Clove's shocked face. "Johanna? How did you-"

She steps back as I walk in. "Clove, something's wrong. I can tell," I say bluntly.

"No, really, Im fine." She closes the front door behind me.

I turn to face her. "Clove, I know you aren't. You can trust me."

She looks down. "Yeah, I know... I'm sorry..."

I take a breath. This is harder than I thought. I planned it all out in my head on the way over. "Can... Can I see your wrist, please?" I hope Im handling this well. 'Gentle' isn't something Im good at, but I hope she can see Im trying.

I pull her sleeve up, revealing a row of scars. Just like I thought. I had hoped I wasn't right, of course. Turns out I was.

Clove starts crying. I stand awkwardly for a minute, then throw my arms around her. "Shhh. It's ok. It's ok." I soothe her.

Her tears slow after a few minutes. "I'm sorry, Johanna, really."

"Clove, look at me." She lifts her head. "Clove, you're still my best friend, and you will be until you physically push me off a cliff and kill me." She smiles half-heartedly. "I'm still your friend now." I sigh and say quietly, "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."

Clove's eyes widen. "This isn't your fault! It's mine!"

I shake my head. "Hey, if I had been with you, I could have talked you out of it. But how about we don't fight about it?

"Ok..." Clove leads me to the living room and plops down on the couch. We sit in silence for a while. I don't know what to say, really.

Clove sighs. "Do you ever want to... To just have it... everything... end? So you don't have to deal with anything anymore?"

I glance at her. "Yeah... I've felt that way." I sigh. "The thing is, you can't let that control you... Trust me, it's not fun."

Clove stares at me. "You... You've dealt with this?"

I nod. "Middle school." I laugh a bit. "You couldn't tell, could you? I tried to hide it. Finally, I realized that nothing would change if I didn't make it change." I smile. "You've got to do that, too. The one difference: you've got a friend to help."

Clive smiles at me. "You aren't disappointed or anything?"

I shake my head. "Of course not. Now I just know I need to be there for you more."

We talk for a few hours about random things: teachers, students, schoolwork, stuff like that. Finally, around five, I head home, but before that, I make her promise to put her razor away and give her a sharpie as a substitute.

Sunday, I go to church with my mom. I like my dad's church better, but he's not feeling well, so Mom's it is.

I feel like our family would function better if they just got a divorce already. Less shouting, and throwing things, and parents trying to turn me against the other one. And yet, the only reason they're still together is because they have some sort of guilt complex about what would happen to me if they split. It's all so frustrating.

(If this dialogue between Johanna and Clove isn't accurate, I'd like to apologize. I don't cut, and I'm not aware that I know anyone who does. I just going with whatever pops in my head. I hope it's accurate, but if not, sorry :) )