DISCOVERY ➴ Chrollo x Reader

XXIII. Woes

I shouldn't be surprised with the audacity of the man. He was a thief, a murderer and many other horrid things I didn't know about yet. I rolled my eyes, not sure if I was feeling up for a discussion on the matter. "There's a difference in context."

Silence stretched, the soft hum of the engine and the occasional crunch of the wheels on asphalt was giving me anxiety. How come I hadn't remembered to turn on the radio? "Yeah? Elaborate on that"

Ah, of course he wouldn't let it go. How was it different? Well, for once taking off my trousers was a simple movement outside the car and there was adrenaline rushing through my veins. Bury a man and light your work tools on fire, that will certainly make your heartbeat faster. Now... even though the jeep was larger than the taxi, I had to struggle into the clothes. And he could be watching. He'd watch me make a fool of myself, and that somehow mattered. "It's just different."

"Sure." He turned on the blinkers and changed lanes, it was so smooth. Confident. He drove the jeep as if it was his for a long time. As if it belonged to him.

"You're impossible" I huffed and turned away. Staring at him with my mouth hanging open and widened eyes wasn't doing much for me. Or for him. He surely didn't need to know that I found his opinion of me somehow worthy. Why? He was a killer! A thief! How could I care for the opinion of someone who didn't even know me.

My hands closed around the jacket, the fluffy white hair fanned over my face as I shuffled it to cover my side. I looked out of the window and gasped. Of course. The reflection. Well... At least he wouldn't be seeing me directly? No. That didn't soothe my spirit. Not one bit.

What could I do about it? His eyes met mine on the reflection, I shook my head and mouthed 'Don't'. He shrugged and faced the road unbothered.

I took a deep steadying breath and opened the bag he had tossed me, there was fresh underwear, some decent looking F/C cargo pants and an oversized white T-shirt. The fabric of it was a bit see-through but we took what we could get. Besides it's not like complaining about it would get me elsewhere.

The first thing that I slung on was the white T-shirt, it was easy enough.

I pulled the seatbelt off, one hand gripping Chrollo's jacket for dear life as I tilted my hips upward and shimmied the underpants off.

An intrusive thought told me to sling them at Chrollo. Sadly, I wasn't that far off mentally. Maybe some other day.

This time the underwear was a tad loose. Somehow, I preferred it that way, the tightness of the last pair had left some marks and cut blood circulation.

I bit my lip to keep any curse from slipping through as I struggled to pull the cargo pants up my legs and, by the end, I crumpled Chrollo's jacket and tossed it over my shoulder to the back seat.

Fuck this. I was so, oh so, done. I managed the final stretch with a sigh, pulling the zipper up and buttoning the single button at the waist. It fit perfectly, like it had been made for me. What a dash of luck.

I didn't dare look at Chrollo, not while I was wheezing, and my blood was boiling. No. I wasn't a prude by any means. I didn't need to care for what he thought.

It didn't matter anymore. I was dressed. I was covered and feeling incredibly bad for myself. I shoved the dirty clothes in the bag he had brought the new ones in and tossed it to the back.

Still unable to face him I stared out of the window, watching as the large grey houses became more and more spaced out and nature started taking over.

How was I alive if I wasn't being useful and driving? What was he playing at? Was I going to be left somewhere in the road? Alone, with no food and no money?

I couldn't bear to care any more for this. My eyelids grew heavy, my stomach was feeling stabbing pains and my belly was making the weirdest gurgling noises. I would sleep it away. I'd rather ignore all my problems and feel the tiniest sliver of rest.

He didn't wake me. My eyes fluttered open, and I winced, my head hadn't enjoyed the starved sleeping. I swallowed, trying to wet my mouth and throat.

I looked out of the window to the many trees and shades of green that were running away from me.

"A jenny for your thoughts?" His voice was smooth, unbothered and somehow bored. I turned, the sun was setting behind him and the orange rays made his eyes look brown instead of the usual piercing grey.

"Do you really wish to hear the woes of a depressed taxi driver?" Did this man get off on my pain and suffering? Was he that sick?

"Do entertain me." He shrugged, continuing his flawless driving.

So, Chrollo was a sick bastard that enjoyed my suffering. "My thoughts... Well, at first I was thinking... why am I still alive? I'm not driving. I'm not being useful. I'm not even keeping you company. That then deteriorated into my life and how absolute garbage it has been. I've been running low for years. Years! Can you believe it? This is but a small dip. If you were to graph my life it starts average and then it just goes down."

I took a deep breath, recovering my pace. "How come everyone else has their shit together but I don't? Why am I left behind, always lagging always struggling to keep up? Why can't I find the will to change? To improve upon myself? Why am I seeing my life flake away as my will dies and there're a bunch of things I can do to fix it but I never do any of them?" My voice was growing thin and louder, I blinked away the wetness that seemed to be pooling on my eyes. This was no time for crying. This was my life.

"No one has their shit together, Y/N. They just mask it better. Life is just a struggle, a desperation for anything and everything. Every one of your choices is but a frantic leap for a security you won't get. You're always scared of change, you're insecure so you look for the closest possible better state to yours. You don't look out, far away, and see a long-term goal clearly, you simply imagine it. You don't calculate the path to your dreams you just keep leaping to 'safe' changes that end up leading you nowhere. You have no plan, and you'd think that by changing a tiny thing for the better that you'll get to the utopia you dream for, but that's not how it works. You'll end up in a slightly better place, sure... But sometimes to reach the true maximum happiness you have to pick bad paths. Everyone is a starved creature, and they want to get to the best of the bests solely by going up." He explained all that as if it was the universal truth.

How did it make sense, yet it barely meant anything at all? Why is it that the cult leaders and priests always justified suffering by making it a path to something better, to a reward for the suffering? I wanted to feel soothed. I didn't know if that was his intention but I couldn't help but doubt him. Maybe that was the problem with what he called starved creatures. "You have your shit together."

"Do I now?" His lips stretched into a modicum of a smile. He didn't feel amused at all.

"Yeah. Are you not a starved creature? You mean to tell me your life is a mess right now?" Was I wrong all along? Was this man just like me?

"If you look at a lake's surface you won't notice the rush of the fish below."

I rolled my eyes, of course he'd come up with fancy sayings to avoid answering. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong with you then?"

He turned to face me, fingers tapping the steering wheel and I felt the car slowing down, entering the gravel by the side of the road and stopping. "Do you really want to listen to the woes of the Spider?"

> Author's Note: Hello babes, my semester started and I shall be dying. Atnica needs to write her masters thesis. ACADEMIA LOOKS BETTER WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ A BUNCH OF PAPERS AND WRITE YOUR OWN. aNYWAY- Hope you enjoy this chapter, it doesn't make much sense. Kissies.