DISCOVERY ➴ Chrollo x Reader

XXXVIII. Pride

I had obviously decided that a wet wipe was better than going for a dip with Chrollo. My heart couldn't take it, I was certain of it. My limbs felt heavy and sore now that my body felt sated and relaxed. All I needed was to rest, if only my mind let me. 

I finished my dinner, feeling content that he had caught a hare, it was spiceless and honestly unsavoury, but it kept the grumbling of my stomach away and, hopefully, my headaches would be next. I knew that I was feeling like rubbish for several reasons, some of them being hunger and lack of sleep.

I couldn't help but compare myself to a starved animal, desperate to get the meat down. I helped myself to a gulp of water afterwards. A grumble left my lips once I stood up to find my way to my sleeping bag, and lord, did it feel great to slump down onto the padded cool thing. My body melted against it, and I felt sore in the good way, now that I was in a comfortable position.

My eyes fluttered closed, and I hoped no nightmares, I had to be too tired to dream. I had to.

Sleep, however, eluded me. How? How was I not able to rest? What was wrong with me? How was it that I could feel exhausted but the moment I laid down and realized I had enough time to rest... It simply didn't work? Why was my mind in overdrive? I didn't need to overanalyse what I had just done with Chrollo. I mean, maybe I did, but it could be done later. I could be feeling shameful and horrified after I had some well deserved resting time. I could!

I took a deep sigh and laid on my back, my eyes blinked open, and I was met with distant leaves and branches of the tree that covered me, with small windows of a starry night sky. It was beautiful, truly, but I could've done with some sleep. 

The soft rustling of a bush thrust my heart into rapid beating, and my eyes closed once more. Oh my fuc- Why was I closing my eyes? It could be a wild animal? Was I really just going to be attacked by an animal because I thought the rustling could be Chrollo? What kind of logic was that? Would I rather die than be ashamed while meeting his silvery eyes? 

Soft thuds grew closer, and I stopped overthinking. It had to be Chrollo. At least, I hoped it was. Worse than being attacked by an animal would be to be attacked by a human. Dumb, dumb Y/N. 

I waited for a few moments once the steps slowed, ready to either die by the hand of a stranger or avoid the conversation about what had just happened with my kidnapper. My pride could take on death, but not shame, as many other prides did. 

They stopped, and then a zip sounded louder than I would've hoped, some shuffling followed by soft rubbing of fabric over skin. How was I able to identify it? What a curious thing. This prolonged rubbing led my thoughts astray... Chrollo drying himself off within sight... What an image that was. Good god, my shamelessness was nearly as large as my shamefulness. Perfectly balanced those two, in high quantities. My mind flipped a coin to pick which one it wanted to lean into, apparently.

The soft sounds stopped, and I forced myself to remain still. I started the act and I stick to it. I should not have little voices inside my head telling me to take a peak at the man, who knew what good sights I'd get... He probably knew I was faking it, it told me, how bad would it be? Some other voice, however, asked a different question. Was I ready to deal with his beautiful dark grey eyes, in the quiet and trepidation of the conversation that had to be coming? No. Would I ever be ready? Also, no.

I could delay it... Prepare myself mentally for it. For some other time. When it didn't feel as intimate. Where we weren't talking over the fire of this makeshift camp. Where the silence wasn't composed of crickets and the soft rustling of small animals. When I had managed to get into my mind that this probably meant nothing to him. 

The sharper sound of a sleeping bag being shuffled pulled me back from my thoughts. It sounded closer than I would've liked, but perhaps it was simply too quiet, and I could hear too well. When was that the case, though? 

He seemed to stop squirming inside the padded softness, and I dared to open my eyes to glance at him from the corner of one. He, too, was laying on his back, facing the stars. 

"Do you want to stay here for a while longer?" His voice was raspier, and I had to strain my hearing just to make his words out.

Yes. Soft times hidden away from civilization and from our roles. "Do I have a say in the matter?" What had changed? Where did my boundaries stand now? Why had they moved? How could I find them when I hadn't even pushed far enough to know where the previous ones were? What if I was assuming the boundaries had moved? What if only my perception had changed? What if only my boundaries had loosened? 

"Hmmm... I suppose you wouldn't if it mattered much." Figures. We had to leave sooner rather than later, the skinny-dipping and the sex was making me delusional. Nothing had changed. "I'm not in a hurry." That was suspicious. Why wasn't a master of crime in a hurry to commit his illegalities? What was he waiting for? Was he on a break? That didn't make him a better person... That didn't make him a better person. I repeated for good measure. 

My feelings could argue with my brain all they wanted. I had to keep some sense. "I'd say we leave soon. Who knows when they'll want to track the jeep down. It'll be safer if we reach the west coast... We're only three or four days away, aren't we?"

"Yeah." He turned to face me, and I found myself leaning his way to keep my neck from straining too hard. 

"This is a really peaceful place... I think that we shouldn't grow used to it." or else I'll be growing more and more delusional with the day. Nakedness, a peaceful river and just his company by my side? I couldn't trust my dumb feelings to stay put. I couldn't. Not when I had my pride on the line. What if I let my tongue slip? The embarrassment of being rejected and most likely mocked would be too much of a hit. My pride wasn't much, but it was all I had left for myself.

"We'll leave tomorrow then."