We were too close to the stars~

Cousin's gathering - One-shot

I sit down at the long, round table. Looking around, seeing all my cousins talking to each other happily. I envied their friendships.

I never had that. They were always so social. What about me?

I wanted to talk with them too. I wanted to throw away my doubts and joke. I wanted to laugh without thinking if my chest was too big, or my teeth weren't white enough. I wanted to scream and fool around, be sarcastic; but I couldn't.

It was pathetic, how my little brother seemed to get along with them so perfectly. I wish I was young enough to not care either.

It wouldn't make a difference, though. I was the self-conscious, shy shit; which I still am.

The food comes, finally. But then I realized I got finger food. I couldn't possibly eat this without making myself a fool in front of them.

Many others ordered the same food, but I was still self-conscious.

They were so beautiful, even when they ate; platonically. They were so cool, I felt so lame.

I take off my mask, hands shaking, as I took a piece.

I barely made it to 2 pieces, when I couldn't contain my shaking hands and thoughts. My thoughts on how bad my fingers looked and how weird I looked while eating the food.

"Eat more." My cousin to my left said, not caring even a bit.

"I'm full." I answer back.

The other cousins laughed, as if what I said was a joke.

The cousin to my left kept nagging. She wouldn't leave me be. I didn't want to talk.

I wanted to open my Pepsi, but I wasn't strong enough. I felt pathetic. I wish I was strong enough.

I didn't want to ask them to open it for me, they would think I'm a joke. In the end, I didn't have any Pepsi.

We finished lunch, well they did, I had finished a long time ago.

They start talking about the random things they did together this week, they didn't invite me. It's not like I could've joined but, I still wished for them to allow me to join. It hurt a lot.

Then the cousin to my left looks at me, her name is Kiana, "Hey, why did you eat so little?"

"Oh, I'm full." I reply, trying to persuade them. I love food. I love eating. I don't love food when I eat with them. I don't like my body when I sit with them.

Then the cousin in front of me, Rasa, said something that brought hidden tears to my eyes.

"Why are you so fat if you eat so little?" He laughed at his own 'joke'.

The other laughed along. I laughed along, blinking my tears away.

"Hah, yea." I say.

And, the rest of the day continues to be them eating and laughing while I stayed on my phone. I tried sitting in the straightest and best lady-like way.

We said our goodbyes and left.

They talked all the way home, I kept quiet.

They said their goodbyes, I kept quiet.

I go back home. "How was your day?" My mom asked.

She changed many of her schedules for me to fit in with them. I was almost the youngest, the closest cousin to my age was 2 years older than me.

"It went great, I've never laughed this hard this year." I lie, trying to smile my widest.

It worked. She was happy. I'm happy. I made her happy.

"That's great, honey. Maybe, we can do it again." She suggests.

"I have a lot of work, mom, but it would be fun. Thanks so much." I say, smiling gratefully.

And just like that, I enter my room. Looking in the mirror, I look at my legs and my tummy. My arms were so hairy, my legs were so fat, my belly was so huge.

They were so thin, they were so good-looking.

I wasn't.