The Feeling Of Infinity∞

Twenty Two// Deam🎀

Gideon
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Cocktails turned into beer, wasn't what I was expecting but at least I had a little bit of fun hanging out with Chucks. I got home feeling tired, probably from sitting too much,my my lower body even hurt a bit;mainly my bum.

My conversation with Chucks made me feel like I was a therapist trying to fix an old man who had a lot on his mind worth sharing. Though,all he said didn't feel so pitiful or something worth fixing,he made things sound as if he was broken inside,or maybe I was the one just feeling like that cause I was once broken. I've come a long way in this CBT therapy thing and Ruth has been optimistic about how fast  I'm recovering from my anxiety and ghost from my past. The feeling I'm feeling now is same feeling I used to feel before. Maybe all Chucks said helped in triggering feelings I felt I've gotten over or maybe it's the feeling that comes as a result of me successfully taming my demons;or just the fact that I was getting use to Ruth and the Hospital.

Imagine me,the guy that didn't like attending the therapy sessions, is now the guy already missing it even though it hasn't ended yet. Only my mere thoughts are already killing me. I guess I was already too fond of the place and my chat with the hospital mates;not just Ruth! She's just one out of the many people I'd be missing. But anyways I guess the feeling of victory feels like this,sober! A moment of reflection of where I once was and where I am now and how much I've changed in matters of months.

I walked into my apartment feeling sober and reflective. Fell to my bed and then gaze up to the spinning ceiling fan.

My phone bleeps, like someone had just sent a text. I dip my hand inside my pocket,pull out my phone and then take a quick pick of who texted. It was a text from my aunt. She had called multiple times and my phone was on silent so I couldn't tell when she called. The text just read call me.

To be honest,the I haven't really been a good son to her,I mean she played the moms role for nearly 21years in my life. Ever since I was 8,she's been my back bone, some kinda pillar of support and me,well I can say I've brought more trouble than joy to her.

When my mom passed away,she saw the need for her presence in our lives;dad was already overwhelmed with depression.

Her husband made life hell for all of us. He was a complete waste; abusive to his wife both orally and physically,spent most of his time gambling and he was never there for his own kids. When grand pa moved to stay with her the beaten stopped, probably because someone that could stop him when he felt enraged was around.

The guy was never home. They were times he wouldn't come home in weeks,and when he finally did, people he owed money would come looking for him,he was either drunk or violent. Though he stopped hitting her when grand pa was around he never stopped insulting her with his words. They were times he even tried to pick a fight with my grandfather;the guy was shameless and scooping so low and picking on an elderly person.

I was strongly in the motion that running away from this hell would have been a cool option but she refused. She stood by the motion God can change him( something instigated  by love),she never did agreed. I guess love makes everyone dumb to the devil in our love ones. She took the beaten and kept taking it.

As a child I just wanted to escape from everything; but where could I go.

I made plans to escape, which I never really did. The thought of what would happen to Sarah and the rest of the family always chickened me out. I knew it wouldn't be right living everyone else trying to escape hell, sticking together felt like the only option.

My aunt was quick in filling both mine and Sarah's hearts with false hopes of dad coming to take us back,it became a myth and dad never did. Matters became worse when dad got framed with a case of murdering a colleague where he worked and he was sentence to life in prison. The entire ordeal was terrible and overwhelming.