The Feeling Of Infinity∞

Seventeen//Death Hypothesis 🎀

         Ruth         
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It was another day and hopefully I was feeling better than the previous days, I can say strong enough to resume my duties at work.

I did my usual routine to start the day. From waking up to having a nice warm bath, I took my breakfast and then had a nice cup of coffee to kick start the long day ahead. But before heading to the office,I had to make a quick stop at a pharmacy to get some drugs on doctors prescription.

Jasmina was letting borrow the car,or can I say use the car,after all it was mine, just that I prefer public transport over riding my own vehicle. The car was mine but since I didn't use it that much, she's been the one making the most out of it. Jasmina doesn't own a car of her own but she has a bike;she still keeps little of her bad girl life.

The drive to the pharmacy was a bit short and really boring. Traffic was a bit light, though the place wasn't that far so I didn't have to bother much about the stress that often accompanied driving.

The pharmacy was one well built. Had bold fonts on a well designed banner with neon artistry designs  that reads 'James Jones Pharmacy'. The motto of the pharmacy was something that goes like this; 'Before wealth priorities health, health is wealth'.

Those sentences reminded me of a conversation I once had with Gideon;at that time we weren't that close,I could say the patient and doctor's relationship hadn't been built yet. The conversation took place just  few months after he started his therapy session.

He walked into my office,we did the usual greeting and we started our usual CBT therapy session.

"How's your day working out for you?" Perhaps was the first thing I said to begin the conversation; I don't remember how it all started.
"It's normal. The day has just been a normal one for me, actually." Said with a dull lazy look,he used to talk dull and had a lazy look on his face back then.
"Oh,well..."wasn't quite sure what my next response ought to be.
"What's an actual day for you?"
"Just me doing my thing,I guess." He said without trying to make any serious explanations. One thing I noticed from him right from the day this therapy and CBT sessions started, I've always notice though he could look dull,talk less serious about one and then another,he had this sense of confident,one not everyone had.

"By doing your thing,what do you actually mean?" I said with as I made little demonstrations with my fingers.
"Wake up,have breakfast,go to walk,get myself stressed out like most normal people and then come home." Brief, short and real. He kept everything real, whether I cared or not wasn't his business.
"Ah okay..."I said doing a curious node.
"But is that all?" I honestly knew there's gat to be more to that.
"Yeah I guess!" He wasn't much of a talker so him adding more to that,what he just said, wasn't going to be his thing.
"Okay!" Offered a fake smile, maybe as a symbol of kind gesture,I don't know.

The atmosphere of our chat at this point felt dull at some point;at least for a while before the main idle talk happened. But it was something I was already use to. He was terrible, always boring but it was something I was expecting from him.
"Can I ask you something?" Me trying to be serious.
"Sure!" Bold reply as always.
"It's gonna be a bit personal and well..."
"You're not sure how I'll take things, right?" Cuts in and does a great job in helping me complete my sentence.
"Yeah!" He was very smart, just that back then it wasn't something that one could easily notice.
"What happens next after all  you've said?" I'm trying to crack the egg shell.
"I don't understand." Confused.
"I mean,we all get to do what you've said,but you know,after work,during those few dull moments of stress we all get to experience those few moments where we get lost in our own thoughts and thinking."
"What transitions in your head?"
"Well,many things!" He was really good in giving mind twisting answers.
"Like?" I curiously asked.
"Sometimes how to become a better person, sometimes how to serve my entirely big but diverse community and sometimes just mere suicidal ideations." He said the suicidal ideations in a really low frequency,even I found it hard to hear it  clearly at first.
"So how often do you have suicidal ideations?" I asked trying to dig deeper.
"Honestly, quite often!"
"Oh!" I wasn't much surprised but was genuinely interested why he thought of ending his life.
"I even made several attempts but the universe and God loved me that much to save me." We didn't make any form of eye contact through out the entire conversation. I tried on my part but he kept on looking away cause it made him feel uncomfortable.