Always an Option

Chapter 10 - It's Been A While

I can’t even explain what I’m feeling after months of not seeing Aziel.  I thought I am successful of removing if reducing the intensity of this stupid love I am feeling, but God! I am so wrong. It’s also wrong to feel something for him when my twin is barely fighting for her life.

Nakokonsensiya ako dahil sa nararamdaman ko.

But seeing him and looking into his eyes for the first time after a long time, I just realized I am totally screwed. Yung pagmamahal na pilit kong binabaon at kinakalimutan, nandiyan lang pala, nakatago at naghihintay lang ng panahon para maipaalam.

Isang tingin ko lang sa mga mata niya, I was backed in square one. It was like we never part and no bad blood between us.

Sa lumipas na sobra isang taon, pilit kong kinukumbinsi ang sarili ko na si Aziel lang yun, hindi na ako nasasaktan, nabawasan na ang pagmamahal ko at hindi ko namimiss kung anong meron samin.

Pero sa isang tingin niya lang, wala na akong magawa kundi aminin sa sarili ko.

Na miss na miss ko siya.

Sobra.

Gustong-gusto ko siyang yakapin nang mahigpit.

I wanted to comfort him and says everything will be okay.

I want my sister to be okay.

I want him to be okay.

And I want them both to be okay.

It’s funny how you don’t see a person for a long time, but the familiarity and bond is still there.

Noong dumating si Jiyu, Advik at Percy ay inudyukan kaming ni Aziel na mag-usap sa labas.

“Kami na ang bahala kay Kayle. Mag-usap kayo, kailangan niyo yun and it’s long overdue.” Udyok ni Advik saming dalawa.

Alanganin na bumaling sakin si Aziel, silently asking my permission.

Tumango ako bilang pagsang-ayon.

Bumaling naman si Aziel sa tatlo.

“Please tawagan niyo kami kapag mag emergency o nagising si Kayle.”

Nauna na akong maglakad at dumaan sa vending machine ng maiinom, I bought two blue gatorades.

Tahimik kaming magkasabay na lumabas nang ospital at tumungo sa mga benches sa labas ng mismong building ng ospital.  Pagkaupo naming ay binigay ko ang isang Gatorade sa kanya.

“I am sorry, Keena. Kasalanan ko ang nangyari kay Kayle.  I failed to protect her.” Sabi ni Aziel habang nakatingin sa unopen Gatorade. “Kung sana…”

I cut him off.

“Azi, hindi mo kasalanan…”

Hindi ko na natapos yung sasabihin ko nang lumingon siya sakin. At sobrang nasaktan ako sa nakita ko sa mga mata niya. There are unshed tears but what broke me is the longingness, sadness, and guiltiness that's so visible in it. I know him very well. Hirap na hirap siyang patawarin ang sarili niya sa mga pagkakamali niya lalo na at ikakapahamak ng mga mahal niya sa buhay.

Annika, his sister, had an accident when they’re young. She was hit buy a motorcycle when she attempted to chase her ball. At yung papa nila ay sinisi si Aziel noon, kung bakit hindi naprotektahan ni Aziel ang kapatid. Tumatak iyon sa kanya kaya he’s to careful and protective to all his loves one. But I hated the long term effect of what happened, Aziel beats himself emotionally. I was there when he had nightmare episode about what happened and we do visit mountains and beaches as part of his healing. Oo, nakaligtas si Annika pero si Aziel ay nanatili ang sugat at trauma sa nangyari.