Payton
A few days ago Matthew said he wanted to be friends and wouldn't leave me alone. I want to trust him I really do but after a you lose too many people you don't want to have to trust people. It took a while before I could even feel comfortable being by myself. I'm pretty used to it now. I mean people still don't know everything I think but they don't need to know.
Some things Ava doesn't even know. I don't want her to know all the thoughts that go on in my brain. She'd be lowkey worried about me. She thinks i'm content with who I am right now but if i'm being honest i'm not. I look in the mirror and hate the person i'm looking at. There are so many things that aren't right. My parents fucking fight everyday, and I shouldn't have to witness or hear that. I have a good body but I hate it. I hate how I got it. To be honest I hate how it looks. I hate how I can't trust people. I hate how I pushed everyone away. I hate how I have to live the way I do. I hate how I think and I hate how I am.
I hate my body and I hate my life. I wouldn't even fucking be here if it weren't for Ava. I wish Ava knew about these thoughts just so I could talk to someone about it but I don't want to be a burden. She's happy, I don't want to ruin that. Instead I cry myself to sleep and then wake up like nothing fucking happened. That's what's happening right now. I'm currently lying in bed crying myself to sleep. I'm thinking of all the ways i've fucked up my life. I get blamed for my parents fighting a lot. I get blamed for a lot of fucked up things that i've never even been apart of.
It took me about 30 minutes to finally fall asleep. My thoughts eventually calmed down enough where it transitioned into a sleeping state. When my alarm went off at 5 in the morning I slowly got out of bed. I climb in the shower and get ready. I pulled on a light blue hoodie and some black leggings with my white nike air-forces. I go down stairs to make my breakfast. I like to wake up an hour early because my parents don't wake up till 6. That way I get to enjoy my breakfast without them interrupting me. I'm out of the door by 5:55 so I don't even see them in the mornings.
Ava picks me up most mornings but i'll randomly take my own car when I wanna leave extra early. I usually spend the mornings i'm alone at Starbucks or another coffee shop and read my book till it's time to head to school. The only stable thing in my life is my schedule.
This morning I made myself avocado toast and an egg. I know, basic. Leave me alone. I eat swiftly and grab my keys. I decided that I will be going to Starbucks today. It's about 5 minutes from my house so I get there very quickly. I sit at my usual table and order my usual drink. Today i'm reading the book the fault in our stars by John Green. I've read it 4 times before but I was in the mood to read it again. It's such a good book.
I sit at that table for about an hour before I remember I still have school. As i'm walking out of Starbucks I say bye to the baristas and then walk out of the door. I climb into my car and sit there for a minute before I turn the keys in the ignition. I pull out of my parking space and head to my school.
When I get there Ava is sitting on the steps in front of the school. She's not alone though. She's sitting with Matthew. Lovely. I slowly walk over to her trying to stall as long as I can before I have to talk to Matthew. Sadly, I get there faster than I thought and they both look up.
"Hey Pay!" Ava says as she stands up
"Hey" Matthew says with a wave
"Hey guys" I don't even bother to smile because they can't see my face anyway. We all walk into the school together. The conversation basically being between the two of them. I just follow them as they talk. At one point Matthew leaves to go to his locker. Now it's just me and Ava.
"How was your morning?" Ava asked
"Okay. Normal I guess. How was yours?" I ask
"It was good so far. Just hoping it stays that way" It probably will for her. I mean she has a good life. People notice and talk to her. I mean I don't want that. I have tried way to long to be invisible to want to be noticed. But she has it good so I don't know how she wouldn't have a good day.
"Yeah, that's good though"
"Yeah. So wanna hang out after school?" She asks
"Yeah sure. What do you wanna do?"
"Anything I guess."
"Same as long as it isn't at my house" Ava knows a little of what my parents do but she doesn't know all of it. She probably never will but she doesn't need too.
"Okay let's go to the bookstore."
"Okay bet. See you after class. Love you!"
"Love you!"
Now i'm walking to class by myself like most days. I don't mind though. It gives me time to think about things. It's not very productive because my thoughts spiral and I never really decide on any solutions to my problems but baby steps right.
I enter my class and take my seat in the back. I don't really know anyone in this class and if I do we never talk. Well I never talk to anyone but that's not an important detail. Class feels like it goes on forever like usual. He talks about the same thing all class. He repeats a lot of points which doesn't make sense but he's the teacher so I guess we have to live with it.
After class I exit the classroom and make my way to my next one. On the way out I run into someone and I'm about to say some really rude things but stop when I see who it is.
"My bad" he says
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sup shawties. sorry I took so long to update. I put this story on pause until I finished His Sunflower because I started confusing the story lines but i'm back. I prob won't have a normal posting schedule because the end of school is near and it's a lot of testing but i'll try.
Have a good day shawties
YOU ARE READING
Easily broken
RomanceEver since middle school Payton White has been basically invisible to everyone and she likes it that way. That is until someone bumps into her and tries to get Payton to stop hiding. Will she resist? Will it work? Will it be enough?
