Easily broken

7|| Jesse

Payton

"my bad" he says

"oh um it's okay" what the fuck is wrong with me. Jesse walked into me why am I being nice. Little backstory, Jesse used to be my bestfriend. I mean I was the closest with Matti but Jesse was next. I was mean to Matthew I should be able to be mean to Jesse, but something about his face makes it impossible to hurt him.

I start to walk away but he stops me "Wait, Payton"

"Yea?"

"Matti, give him a chance won't you? He won't shut up about it." I don't need to. Why does everyone keep saying I should. I should be able to decide if i'm giving him a chance. How do I know he deserves it? He needs to put more effort if he wants a relationship with me.

I nod my head and keep walking. That was a weird encounter. I never speak to him, well I never speak to anyone but I haven't spoken to Jesse in a while. As close as I used to be with Matti, Jesse was one of my favorite. Jesse has all the attributes a girl could want. He's caring, passionate, helpful, attractive, all of it. I miss him but I can't just let him in either.

I get to my lunch table and sit with Ava. The guys aren't there yet, thank god, so I talk to her a little about me running into Jesse. She just shrugs but I know it's because she agrees with him. She thinks that there will be no harm in letting Matti in, but she doesn't get it.

They let me go the first time, who says they won't do it again? As if summoned, the guys sit down at the table and start talking. Blake and Ava were giving each other heart eyes like they've been doing all week. I give them like 2 months before they are official.

"Hello Paytonn" Matti says with way to much energy. I give him a small wave and continue eating. "Come on Payton, help me out here."

"Why" I say with a shrug

"Because! I don't have any ulterior motive with this friendship. You just won't trust me enough to let me in."  He says exaggerating

"Maybe I have my reason Matthew" I retort

"Name them then"

"I don't need too"

"Look, I get it. Things happen alright? We all go through hardships and pain. I get it, but don't let that keep you from friendships."

"Oh, so you get the pain i'm going through?"

"Yes, I get it." interesting.

"Oh, that's interesting. So you cry yourself to sleep every night because you can't handle how your living? You're constantly wondering how people think of you because you're always alone? Oh! so you don't have any friends either? That's so interesting."

"Well, not exactly but-"

"No, Matthew, stop. Because you won't understand what i'm going through until you are sitting on your bathroom floor bawling your eyes out wondering why you're still here. Wondering why you haven't ended it yet. Until you experience that, don't come to me talking about understanding what i'm going through." I walked out of the cafeteria before he could say anything. I'm tired of people coming up to me with that bullshit. They don't understand what i'm going through. They think it's a phase. "Oh she'll get over it"

How do you get over suicidal thoughts? How do you get over hating yourself when you live with the reasons that made you. How is it a phase if i'm still in the place that caused it. News flash people, it's not a phase. Just because I stopped talking to people and hurt your feelings doesn't make it a phase.

Ava💁‍♀️

A: Are you ok?

P: Yep.

A: After school.

P:👍🏻

I honestly don't see the big deal. So what, I told Matti a little too much because he was pissing me off. Doesn't mean anything. It just means he might finally leave me alone.

After my moment alone I started walking to class. I had no where else to go and it was boring just sitting on the ground. This will be the first time in 3 years that i'm early to class.

Of course as I'm walking to my class Matti finds me. I mean Matthew finds me. "Payton? Please, listen to me!"

"Leave me alone Matthew." I tried turning away but he grabbed my arm

"No. Payton stop. That was not fair back there. Sure I don't relate to you but that doesn't make my life a fucking dream either." Oh please what could be wrong in the football superstars life. "It doesn't matter what you are going through okay? I'm not giving up. The last thing i'm gonna do is let you go again. alright? Now it's your decision if you trust me or not but i'm fucking trying so give me some credit." He finished out of breath. I didn't expect that. "So?"

"I'll think about it." and because he can't see my face he won't know wether i'm lying or not. I'll let him try but eventually he will give up and eventually he'll realize I am not worth the chase, but if he wants to learn that the hard way then by all means I will let him. "I have class I gotta go" And I walked off.

I have no idea how my freak out in the cafeteria didn't make him leave me alone. Who does this kid think he is? I mean he lets me take myself out of his life and suddenly he wants me back. It's like a sad love story but we weren't even dating. I don't know if this friendship will be toxic or not but I guess i'll give it a shot. He just won't know it.

After my last class of the day ends I start walking to meet up with Ava. Now this conversation can go one of two ways. She could either forget about it or she could yell at me for something that isn't my fault. Either way I'm gonna walk away hurt. It only takes a few minutes before I'm approaching her vehicle outside of the school building.

"Hey" I say to get her attention

"Hey." She walks up and gives me a hug. She squeezes me blocking off my airways. "I don't know what that was back there but I'm here. I'm here whenever you need me. Okay?" Tears start forming in my eyes and all I can do is nod in response. I don't know what I did to deserve her but she is the only reason i'm still here.

______

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