Easily broken

30|| together

Payton

"What?" I asked

"Payton, I love you." He repeated "I love everything about you. From the way you get shy when someone compliments you to the way you would protect the ones you love. I love how you laugh with my friends and how you sing in my car. I love the way you do your hair and I love your smile. God, I love your smile. I love the way dance around to music in the living room and how you fall asleep during every movie we watch. I'd love you even if you hated me. Everything about you makes me fall in love with you more and more every day. I love you Payton." He said

Time was standing still as I just stared at him. How do I respond to this? How do I compete with that? I could tell he was rethinking what he said. He was getting nervous that he just spilled his guts and it would end in heartbreak.

"I - I love you too." I replied as a smile overtook my features.

He immediately started smiling "really?" He asked. I nodded my head with an even bigger smile and he leaned forward to kiss me. It was a short but sweet one before we laid back down for a bit. Tonight was such a good night that I wasn't regretting anything that happened. Everything brought me right here to this exact spot with this amazing guy.

After a few minutes we decided it was time to go back home and maybe watch a movie. As we were walking to the car I got a call from grandma white.

P: grandma?
G:Hi darling, I know it's a little late but I can't put off this call any longer...
P: what's wrong?
G:Honey we need to plan your mother's funeral. It's been a little over a week and if we want open casket we need it soon.

I was having such a good time I forgot about my grief. I forgot about how we haven't planned anything for my mother.

P: I don't want to go over this right now grandma.
G: Payton, we need to. If we don't we'll have to cremate her. Don't you want to see her face one last time?

Tears were forming in my eyes

P: Of course I do! She was a horrible mother but she deserves a good funeral. I need to be able to say goodbye.

I was full on crying at this point. Matthew walked over to me and just embraced me. He was letting me know he was there. He wasn't leaving.

G: Is next weekend okay for you?
P: Any day is fine.
G: Okay sweetie. I'll call when we have it set. I love you my darling.
P: I love you too grandma.

"I'm so sorry" I apologized to matti as I hid my face in his chest and cried. "I know I'm a mess and that you're probably over the tears. I'm sorry" I sobbed into his chest as his hold on my tightened

"I could never get tired of you" his voice was so gentle when he said that. He wants me to know he means it but how could he be so sure? He must have the patience of a saint to deal with me.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. How am I going to deal with all of this?" I cried with uncertainty. Nothing is going my way. I may get a few hours of pure joy by then something happens and I'm right back to where I started.

"Let's get you home, okay?" He gently maneuvered me into the passenger seat of his car and put the seatbelt around me. He looked me in the eyes as he was coming back up "it may seem impossible right now but we will figure it out, okay? You're not alone in this anymore."

We.

It is almost impossible to wrap my head around the fact that I am not alone right now. That someone could care so much. To love me like I was worth millions. To want me and not feel like they had to.

I nodded my head as he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead before closing the door and walking around to his seat.

With tears still streaming down my face I reached for the aux chord so I could play music. I played a random playlist and just listened to the music and let it calm me down. I got lost in the beat and I allowed myself to think through what I can do. I used music as an anchor. And I held onto it like my life depended on it.

When we arrived at Matthew's house we went up to his room and watched a movie. He turned on tangled from Disney and we just watched it in silence. I was still thinking about my mother and he was probably thinking about me but neither of us spoke. We sat in silence as the movie continued to play.

Somewhere between crying, thinking, and watching the movie I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes the lights and tv were turned off. I looked up to see Matti staring at the ceiling.

"You okay?" I asked him

"Am I okay? Payton, you just got reminded of your mom's funeral and you're asking me if I'm okay?"

"Yeah? You seemed upset"

"For you. I'm not upset because of anything but the fact that you can't catch a break. I'm upset for you. Not at you or anything else that your head may have made up."

When he says things like that I never know how to respond. Believing words like that just isn't easy for me. I've never been told stuff like that. It's always "you're a burden." Or something like that.

"You don't have to be upset for me" I replied

"I do though. Someone has to"

"But you don't have to be burdened by my emotions, Matti. I'm capable of doing that myself."

He sighed and sat up on his elbow "Payton. Stop saying stuff like that. I want to be upset for you. I want to be there for you. And for the last time your emotions aren't a burden. I love that we can share stuff like that. It's healthy"

"But this isn't something you need to be concerned about. It's my mother's funeral. It's up to my family and all that jazz you don't need to worry about it"

"But I want to because I know you don't want to do it alone. You won't do it alone. It would destroy you even more than it has already. This kind of thing is not easy to do alone. Let me help you. Please"

—

How would you reply to matti begging you to let him help?