Easily broken

15|| what have I done

Payton

Fuck.

I wake up in Matthew's arms. Matthew. I'm trying to remember what happened before I seemingly passed out on him. I know I eventually told him what happened AND let him take my hood off. I'm being stupid, I can't get attached, people don't stay.

I can't help that I like it though. Why do I like it? The feeling of his arms wrapped around me and the sound of his heartbeat under my ear. It's comforting and I don't want to move, so I don't.

As i'm laying here though I can't help but start thinking. what the fuck have I done. I told myself I was not going to let anybody in. I was going to stay by myself all of high-school. I was successful for 3 years! How can he just walk right into my life like he did? Why did I allow it?

I mean, his effort was really nice.. and I guess having people who are there is a nice feeling, but I couldn't handle it if that feeling was taken from me again. That is what I have been avoiding. That feeling of being deserted, of being betrayed by the people you put your trust in.

Not very many people cave to that fear. They make friends, live their lives. I caved. I left everyone in fear of being the one deserted. I just didn't think my absence left a void on anyone. I thought they wouldn't even notice I was gone. Apparently I was wrong. Although, Matthew did say he successfully forgot about me.

He's back though... right? I mean he forgot about me once, he could do it again. I've gotten to know him though.. a bit. He doesn't seem like he does it out of nowhere. He had a right to forget about me, I left him.

I don't know what this feeling is. Why can't I make up my mind about wether or not I want him in my life. I mean, I already know the answer... I do. I really do. It's the fact that i'm giving him the power to break me all over again. I would he giving someone else a hold over my emotions. I would he giving up my power.

I have to force myself to stop thinking about it, all I would do is go down a spiral. It wouldn't end good. I just want to relax in his arms and feel the comfort of someone other than myself... just this once. I can decide later.

He starts stirring in his sleep but I don't think he's waking up. He does tighten his hold on me though. It's a good feeling.. the feeling of being held. I don't feel like i'm falling as fast anymore. I've been given a break and now someone else is holding me up.

I've given up control over how I have taught myself to live. I have given it all to him and I am screwed because of it.

Matthew's Pov

She's beautiful.

I wake up and she's still in my arms asleep. She looks so peaceful as she rests her head on my chest. I don't know what is going through her head or how she feels about any of this but I'm really hoping i'm part of it.

I don't want her to leave again. I want her to stay and realize what true happiness can feel like. How giving up control and accepting help from someone else can be so freeing. She deserves to feel free. She deserves to be happy.

I want to be one of the reasons she feels it. I forgot about her before but never again. There's no way I could.

She starts stirring in her sleep and eventually wakes up and freezes. Soon after tho she relaxes and seems to remember what happened and why she isn't in her own bed.

"Good morning" I say trying to not be awkward

"Good morning" She says it back and looks up at me with a smile. God, that smile, how was I stupid enough to let her go?

We just lay there for a few minutes until she gets up to go to the bathroom. I just watch as she walks out of my room like this isn't completely out of the ordinary.

When she comes back into the room she looks around for her stuff. Which is just her phone because she didn't really plan on staying the night. She find her phone and turns it back on, when the screen lights up she has a look of disappointment. Did no one text to ask if she was ok?

"I- I should go" She starts heading towards the door. I stand up and follow her because asking her to stay is too much. I need to take what I can get in small portions or i'll scare her away. "Uhm thank you, Matti, for uh last night"

"Of course, anytime Payton." She gives me a small smile and walks out of the door. As much as the situation that brought her here sucks, i'm glad she ended up on my doorstep last night. God, what has she done to me.