Payton
"Let me help you please."
My brain is going a hundred miles a minute. I am not capable of ever believing someone would want to help me do anything let alone deal with grief. Most people run from that. Most people can't deal with other people grieving.
"Matti-" I try to say
"No" he cuts me off "no 'Matti' okay? I know what you're going to say. I don't care. I want to help you. Let me."
I take a minute to think. He seems to be really genuine about it. And it would be nice...
"Okay.. but if you change your mind you have to tell me. I'll completely understand and won't be mad at all. I will just need you to tell me"
"Come here" he pulled me into him and laid us back down. "I won't be changing my mind" he says before kissing me on the top of my head. I cuddled into his chest and closed my eyes again
Before falling asleep I whisper a little "thank you" to let him know I appreciate it.
***
The past few days I've been constantly talking to my grandmother about the arrangements and what we want to do. She was going to plan it all herself but I couldn't let her take the whole load.
We finished the planning pretty fast and right in time for Sunday. Throughout the whole process Matti never left my side and made sure I knew he was there. He was not kidding when he told me he would be there.
My grandma asked me if I wanted to write my mother's eulogy and I couldn't say no. But that brings me to the problem that she was a horrible mother. I have nothing nice to say about her. Am I supposed to lie to everyone who shows up for the funeral?
It's taken me days to figure out what to write. Matti has been trying to give me ideas but I really just can't muster up anything about her. I'm staring at the ceiling trying to think of something. Anything. I just need a two minute speech. Nothing major. Why is it so hard?
**
It's the been a few hours and I barely made the time limit for the eulogy. It isn't much but I think it'll be okay. As I walk into the sanctuary that the funeral was being held in, I was overwhelmed with sadness.
Sadness over the fact that I never really had a mother, and now I never will. I'll never get to experience that motherly love that everyone talks about. The warmness and the joy of having a mom. I don't get any of that.
I blindly sit down next to Matti and barely register anything that is happening. Grandma White goes up on stage and says a few words before calling me up.
I slowly make my way onto the stage and prepare to speak in front of all these people. My least favorite thing to do.
"Hi everyone.. my name is Payton. Thanks for coming today to celebrate my mother's life. I don't have a whole lot to say because she was taken quite early in my life time. I don't want to stand up here and feed you a bunch of lies about how amazing our relationship was. But I know for one thing is that my mother probably shouldn't have been a mother. I'm not sure if all of her actions were because of fear of my father or if she genuinely was just a messed up person." My eyes started to tear up a little and so I took a deep breath and powered through it.
"Throughout my life I wondered if she even wished that she became a mother. But the way she did things turned her into one. My mother wasn't all bad though. I think deep down she wanted to be better, she just couldn't. Knowing that fact I could never resent her. No matter how hard I wanted to. She would always be my mother whether either of us wanted to admit it or not. The way she was unexpectedly taken from me broke my heart more than I thought it would. I didn't expect to feel such big emotions over someone who probably couldn't care less about me. But there was. There is." I don't know how much more I can say without bawling my eyes out.
"Even though she wasn't the most amazing parent, I would like to think she could have been." I was choking up so I stopped there and just ended it. "Thank you"
I quickly walked back to my seat and covered my face. My grandma went back up onto the stage to direct people where to go and what we will be doing during the funeral. I just hid my face the whole time.
Matti and Ava tried to help the best they could but this just wasn't a good day for me to be social. I just wanted my hoodie. The hoodie I burned. I wanted my comfort place. My hiding place. But I no longer had that option.
When the reception was over we went to the dining hall to feast on food. My grandma had catered some fried chicken and rolls. We also had some dessert options. Matti, Ava, and I sat at a table and quietly ate our food. I could tell they were being careful around me. They knew I would break.
"Babe the speech you gave was really good." Matti tried to break the silence.
I didn't want to talk about it though. "Thanks" I gave him a weak smile and looked back down at my food.
The rest of the night went by in a blur. Some people tried talking to me, others didn't even acknowledge I was there. I guess I was thankful for today even though I didn't feel like I was there.
After everyone left and the place was cleaned up, Matti drove me home. "How are you doing?" He asked me
"I'm fine" is all I say as I close my eyes.
____
GUYS IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG. my schedule has been so hectic😓
YOU ARE READING
Easily broken
RomanceEver since middle school Payton White has been basically invisible to everyone and she likes it that way. That is until someone bumps into her and tries to get Payton to stop hiding. Will she resist? Will it work? Will it be enough?
