Easily broken

27|| I can do this.

Payton

Today was the day. I was going to do what Matti said and burn the hoodie, but I wanted to put my own little spin on it. I'm gonna write everything holding me back on the hoodie and then burn it. Today is the day of letting go.

I went to the office to grab a sharpie and headed back up to me room. I asked to be alone for this part because i'm gonna be going deep into myself and writing a lot personal things. I sat down on the bed and stared at the hoodie and sharpie in my hand. Where should I start?

I've had so many things hurt me that I haven't been able to let go. So many people left and there's still a scar. So many things that I hate about myself because others made me the way I am.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of hating myself everyday, and dreading waking up in the morning. I'm tired of the days where I've almost ended it all completely. I'm tired of the baggage.
If this doesn't work I don't know what i'm gonna do.

I tried thinking of a bunch of things that i'm wanting to let go of. I definitely put my dads abuse, my mothers death, hiding, other people's opinions, etc etc.

It took me about an hour to do this step because I couldn't stop crying. I know Matthew wouldn't have cared if I started crying because this is a hard thing to do, but I just couldn't bare to cry in front of him.

When I was finally able to get myself under control, I exited the room and began my way downstairs. Matti was waiting on the couch and when he saw me, he stood up.

"Are you ready?" He looked so genuine that I almost started crying again. I don't know how he managed to get me this far.

"As ready as i'll ever be I guess." Matti walked into the kitchen to grab the lighter and then made his way to the back door. I followed him to his fire pit in the back. "What if I can't do this?"

Matti turned to look at me and says "Payton. You are capable of anything. The only thing stopping you is yourself. The fear you have of letting go should never stop you from doing it. Sometimes change is the best thing you could do for yourself."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I can do this. "Okay. Let's do it." I tried my best at a smile and took the lighter from his hands. I look down at my hoodie that is now covered in sharpie and read each one. I gave myself one more second to feel the emotional baggage that comes with all of it.

It is crazy to think that almost a year ago I didn't even speak to Matthew. We weren't on each others radars anymore. He completely forgot I existed and I liked it like that. Now i'm standing in his backyard getting ready to burn all this baggage that i've been carrying for years. All because he didn't watch where he was going in the hallway. All because he bumped into me and decided he wanted another chance. If he didn't do that, I would still be stuck with my dad and nobody to run to.

I never imagined a life where I would be able to say I had friends. I never imagined they would be the people I was closest with before high-school. I never expected to reconnect with them. I have to say though, I couldn't imagine a life where that didn't happen.

That's the crazy thing about life. The most unexpected things happen and while not all of them are sunshine and rainbow, a lot of them could just maybe supply enough sunshine and rainbow for the rest of it.

For years I thought I was worth nothing. That nobody could even consider loving me in a way that made both of us happy. I grew up being told I was a burden and a mistake. I grew up being neglected by my own parents and everyone around me. I was invisible and nobody noticed me slipping away. I was completely convinced that nobody knew I existed anymore.

You have no idea how happy I am that I was proven so very wrong. Matti, Logan, Jesse, Reese, Blake, and Ava are the best things that have happened to me. Without them I probably would have ended it eventually. My dad was not someone I would have been able to live with much longer. He almost killed me for fucks sake.

Nothing could have prepared me for the trauma that I would have to endure, but nobody could have prepared me for the greatness that followed either. Even though i've been through hell and back, I think i'm finally ready to start a new beginning.

I think i'm finally ready to let go of the baggage and start a life where I can live and not just survive. I want to feel alive and feel all the genuine joy that comes along with it. I want to enjoy the time I spend with my friends.

I no longer want to hide from myself or from others. I think I am ready to let a few people in and heal me from past trauma.

With those last thoughts I come back to reality and look up at Matti. He was already staring at me with a look of adoration. He met my eyes and immediately smiled at me. He nodded his head as a little encouragement toward me.

And with that, I took the lighter and I burned my hoodie until all that was left was smoke and burned fabric.