TRIGGER WARNING: panic attack
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I looked in the mirror as I adjusted the bottom of my dress for the hundredth time. I woke up 4 weeks ago, but I wish I hadn't. My life isn't my life anymore.
Jared had moved on, conspicuously with my best friend. I guess I don't blame him for moving on, I mean he graduated high school and is now in college, while I'm doomed to repeat junior year since we all blipped in the middle of the year. But, did it have to be with my best friend?
Oh yeah, that's what they're calling this disaster, "The Blip." Way to go for whoever came up with the idea of using such a harmless name for something that has changed our world for good.
"Come in," I yelled when I heard a knock at my door. I didn't turn towards the person as they entered my room, my eyes never leaving my outfit as I continued to fidget and fix it so it would be perfect. "Are you ready for today?" my dad said, staring at me. I looked at him through the mirror and tried to muster a small smile, "Ready as I'll ever be."
"Good. I know you have to start the school year with a clean slate, but your mother and I still have the same expectations for you," he said sternly with a curt nod. I continued to gaze at him through the mirror as I muttered "You got it dad." He nodded and exited the room as quickly as he entered.
I wasn't surprised to see my parents hadn't changed. Even though I was their only child, I had always felt that my parents treated me like a business partner rather than their child. All they ever had was expectation after expectation for me, and even though I never failed to meet them, their praise came far and few between. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the roof they put over my head and providing me with what I needed to excel, I just wish they would treat me like family. After I came back, it went right back to things being as they used to be. They've been little help adjusting me back into the world.
Today was the first day back to school since everyone came back. I didn't want to go, but of course my parents are making me. I just feel like I missed out on so much of life; what was even the point of finishing high school, let alone go above and beyond like I used to. I sighed as I looked over my outfit one more time. A floral, flowy dress that fell just above my knees paired with some strappy sandals and a jean jacket. My hair was loosely curled, and I wore a little bit of makeup to cover the undereye bags from many sleepless nights. I guess I can try and fool people into thinking I was more ok than I actually was. No bother in burdening someone with my problems when I'm sure they were going through their own.
I grabbed my backpack, slung it over my shoulder, and proceeded the familiar track to school.
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As I walked into the school, it was buzzing with people all around. Old and new faces surrounded me; some looked like they hadn't aged a day, others looked like younger kids who had grown up and were now the same age as me. It was overwhelming, too much to take it at once. I started to lose my breath and my vision started to get blurry. I wrapped my arms around myself as I pushed through the crowd, ignoring the people calling my name trying to greet me, as I made my way to the bathroom. Surprising I was still able to make my way around the school, considering I haven't been here in 5 years.
I shoved my way through the door and into a stall, locking it behind me as I started hyperventilating. Great, I'm having a panic attack. They started showing up when I came back. I'm shocked I didn't start having them before The Blip with everything I was taking on at school. Now, I can barely make it through the week without having a couple at least. I leaned against the door and tried my best to control my breathing, ignoring the bell to signal the start of homeroom. This attack was more intense than the others, I have no idea how I'm going to calm myself down. Tears slowly started trickling down my face as my breathing became more and more shallow. I thought I was going to be stuck here, never being able to face the people outside this stall.
All of a sudden, there was a knock on the stall door. "Uh hey, you ok in there?" a familiar voice said on the other side. I mustered all the breath I could manage and was somehow able to get out a weak, "I'm fine." I could see her sneakered feet shuffle slightly from side to side as she said, "Listen, I can tell you're not. Just....let me help you out."
I don't know what got into me, but I could barely think with all my energy focused on trying to breathe. I unlocked the door and starred at the ground, not meeting the person's eyes. I was too embarrassed to let someone see me like this, but I guess I needed some help if I was ever going to get over this panic attack.
The person gently grabbed my shoulders and applied some pressure. "Ok, I know what you're going through. I would get panic attacks a lot when I was a kid. I want you to do your best to ignore everything you're currently thinking about. I want you to only focus on the sound of my voice and listen to everything I say," she said.
She proceeded to guide me through what she described as her tips that helped her get through her panic attacks. We named five things I saw, four things I can touch, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste. As we listed the different things, I noticed that I was slowly able to catch my breath. As I finally named my favorite thing to taste, chocolate, I looked up at the girl who was helping me.
She had wildly curly brown hair, brown eyes, and a sweet smile. She could tell I could breathe once again, and she released my shoulders. "Thank you, I really don't know what I was going to do. I owe you big time," I said, putting the first genuine smile on my face in the last 4 weeks. "I'm y/n, what's your name?" I said, curious.
She awkwardly returned the smile and responded, "I'm Michelle, but everyone calls me MJ." It all made sense; I remember this girl. She was in the same grade as me before The Blip. We had a few classes together, but she was always super quiet and kept to herself in the back of the classroom. She hadn't aged a day, meaning she must have blipped like me.
I looked at her and said, "That's right, I remember you." She looked shocked, almost like she was surprised anyone remembered her. She stammered, "Wow. With your status I'm surprised you know me at all." I looked down at the floor, suddenly embarrassed. She had a point, popularity used to mean so much to me, and all I was ever really focused on were my friends and excelling at anything I did. I responded "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I was so wrapped up in my life I must have forgotten how to be a human being to others."
She let out a short, awkward chuckle, and I looked back at her confused. She said, "Oh no I didn't mean it like that. I'm just a nobody and expected someone like you to jump right back into your popular lifestyle." I looked at her with no emotion in my eyes and said, "Stuff like that doesn't really matter to me anymore." I'm not sure why I was being so open with MJ, we barely knew each other. I guess I've just kept these emotions bottled up for so long that it was nice to let some of it out.
MJ chose to ignore my comment and said, "Uh, we should probably get to class. I think we're in the same homeroom. Morrison, right?" I gave her a relieved look; glad I knew someone in one of my classes. I smiled at her and said, "Yeah, you're probably right."
We exited the bathroom and started walking to class, engaging in small talk. Maybe making a new friend will make this new life a little more bearable.
YOU ARE READING
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