𝐑𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑 | jxdn x mgk

twenty-six | maybe we're toxic

🎸 # [ ROCKSTAR ]

Dear Colson,
I don't know where I should start, or where I could end. There are so many things we did in our short time together. I don't regret any of it, you were my first, and I'll cherish that. I hope you don't regret anything either, but I can't change how you feel.

I guess I could start with the day I first found out about you. Not going to lie, I had no clue who you were, but Travis showed me it all. I thought you were so fucking cool and hot. When I found out that you would be on the set for the music video I was ecstatic but nervous. I was scared you were going to think I wasn't good, or that I had a shitty voice, but the time in the closet proved that wrong.

The time in the closet is what sent me into a gay panic. I spent days and weeks thinking of what I was. Was I gay or not? I talked to countless people about it.

But no one helped me as you did. You, without even saying anything, assured me of who I am. It just took longer than I had anticipated.

My friends know you, but not the version of you that I know. They know how you've hurt me, they've seen it all. They've seen all the snot and sob that you caused. They hate you more than I do.

Hate. I've always hated that word, ain't that funny. I could never have you; never. No matter how much I hate myself, it would never be caused by you. There's time in the past few days where I've looked at myself and have seen something missing from me.

It feels like there is a part of me missing. I know we aren't even together, but it feels like we've been together for years, and we fight as we have been. It's been nothing short of a few months though, and I think that's crazy.

Crazy that two people could get so close in the span of just weeks.

I can't say that it's been a happy few months. I've been crying a lot in the past weeks, and days. But I truly did love the moments we've been together.

I think you know my favorite moments though, one of them being that late night at the studio. Where you bent me over the couch and fucked me. There are others but that takes the cake.

There's are times when we were together that I hated. Like when I really wanted to watch this one show, I wanted us to watch it, but you spent the entire time on your phone. I wasn't mad at first, thinking you had something to do, but once I found out why, I loathed that moment.

I loathed the fact that you spent most of our time together texting her. When I thought you were listening to me, which is something I enjoyed, but you were off texting her.

I was okay with the fact that you kept in contact with her. I know you two have to work together soon on a movie. Which I am so proud of you for. And I always will be. But you didn't need to spend all the time we had texting her.

This letter was supposed to be one final thing. It was supposed to be closure. But it's turned into a list of things that you did wrong. Which just opens more doors.

I won't go into them, but just know they're unlocked now.

I know we have a song to finish making, and the music video too. I'm not sure if I could even bare to see you. I'm sure I would literally vomit.

I gave you my trust once, you broke it. I gave it to you again, a little damaged this time; you broke it again.

Maybe I'm the stupid one for taking you back, or maybe we are just toxic like that.

Maybe we are just toxic.

I'm sick and tired of being used. Whether it's for my body, my care, my love. I'm sick. I don't feel used by you, well a little. I know I was putting in more effort than you ever were. If you want me to pay you back for all the food fees, I will.

I think this is all I have to say. This letter is such a mess, but all the things I couldn't say, have been written down. I'm not sure if this will ever be our final conversation, or me just talking, but if it is. I wish you nothing but the best. And if it's not, I don't want to see you soon.

With love and loss, Jaden <3

Colson grips the letter tightly in his hand. Tears are streaming down his face. He takes a shaky breath, sets the letter down, and take a sip of his water. He slams his glass back down and stands up.

"Fucking hell," he said, rather loudly. The door from the sun room opened, his daughter walking out.

"Are you okay?" She asked, "I heard you yelling," she added.

"Uh yeah," he wiped his eyes, "Just something came up with the new music video. That's all." She stood there.

She didn't believe him, but it wasn't her job to pry. Especially when her dad was like this. She could only offer him a smile and a nod before returning back inside.

Colson watches the door shut, then sits back down on the chair. He puts his head in his hands, and sighs.

"What the fuck am I going to do?"

🎸 # [ ROCKSTAR ]

XAN'S OPINIONS |

tell me how the fuck, am i getting yelled at for something that is out of my control?
like i'm sorry man that i cannot control your wife, i've tried and it doesn't fucking work. so why the hell are you yelling at me?

anyways, i hoped you liked the chapter!!

i leave wednesday and i'm so fucking ready.