Notes

You Ruined Everything...

Every moment, all my favorite things.
My favorite season used to be summer.
I spent all of the last one missing you.
Christmas Eve had always been
My most treasured day of the year.
Not because it was a happy time,
In fact my family made certain it wasn't,
But because growing up I had a vision of how Christmas could be.
Now I know it will never be the same.

Two Christmas Eves ago, I remember laying in the dark craving your arms around me while staring at messages on a screen.
Exactly a year later, nothing had changed.
Except you didn't feel the same way anymore, and the words were months old.
And you're a thousand miles away
Instead of ten.
Why is it that numbers seem to matter so much more now...?
Then December 25th, a year later
Just to make it more interesting, you decide to call.
It was the best present I got that day.
And it was the worst.
How dare you sing for me that night?
My favorite songs
And attach even more memories to ever chord that now plays through my headphones.
How could you ask me to sing
And let me watch you fall asleep like a child hearing a lullaby
Making my fingers itch
To reach through the screen
Brush your hair our of your eyes and tuck you in.
You dangled moments over my head
Like food for a dog.
Giving me hope
Then snatching it away.
Making me crave your presence so much
That a single skype call took me high
And brought me to a whole new low
When we hung up.
It's still my happiest holiday memory.

How dare you?
How dare you plague my thoughts, turning ever sweet moment bitter?
How could you go and fill my favorite places
With memories I can never erase
And then just leave me behind...
You took everything with you
The town's still here,
But it's like you sucked away the life
Packed it up and took it with you
Leaving behind an empty shell.
These buildings seem drained;
Colorless brick walls.
Even the books in the library seem to mock me
Reminding me they used to see us kiss.

You filled all my favorite songs
With bile in the back of my throat
You turned my favorite times of the year
Into moment I dread and long for at the same time
You make me want to forget
And to remember every little detail.
I can never figure out which.

And I know you didn't mean to.
You never asked for me to feel this
In fact you probably wish I'd leave you alone
And would find a new guy to pester
But I can't seem to let go...

Of the late night conversations
The awkward clumsy kisses
Your fingers playing with my hair
Your breath tickling my neck
Hearing you sigh,
Or feeling your mouth smile.
I miss hearing you say you miss me.
Or the way you felt like home
Whenever I hid in your arms
Like I was somewhere safe.
I can't let go of your silly grin
Whenever you acted like a dork.
And the way you made me feel;
Like someone genuinely cared;
Like we could overcome anything;
And like you actually loved me.
Every time you kissed my cheek;
Or hand; or that one time,
On the forehead,
I thought I was going to melt
Into a bubbling puddle of happiness.
And really, your chest had been
Better than any pillow.
So now, it's like I'm sleeping on rocks.

I love you, dammit.
I've never loved like this before.
Guess I lost the best thing I ever had.
Is that why it hurts so much?

Oh, of course we weren't perfect
We both had a lot to learn
But I remember promising forever
I guess for someone like you,
Forever is just another word.

Apr 12