Notes

Miracles

I sat by the phone, waiting for your call, our letters in one hand and a ring in the other. But when it rang, it wasn't your voice on the other line.
My heart hammering inside my chest I followed the lady in white down the bleak hopeless halls and came to a room.
I knelt by your bed and watched your heartbeat on a screen. You raise your eyes and smile weakly at me. "It's alright, don't worry," you tell me. "There's always hope," you say, as your breaths shorten. Even now, love and light stream from your eyes, but they're growing dim.
You try to say three words and it rips my soul to shreds. I stop you, "No, not yet." I cant hear this right now.
Our fingers found each other and held tight, intertwined as if holding on for dear life. Just like when we lay on the ground those nights, staring up at the stars, and wishing upon the fallen. Well now all my wishes are falling and fading, like dying embers on the wind.
Your hold weakens and I can't breath. I choke on a sob as I fall to my knees. "No darling, I won't let you leave," I whisper and my eyes fill with tears.
"It's time to go." The doctor announces. I quietly ask, "What are her chances?" The sympathetic look he gave me made my stomach drop. I didn't need to hear a word, his silence was enough.
I looked over my shoulder to see you watching us. You overheard my question, I could tell you understood. Walking back your side, when I glanced into your eyes, I didn't see a hint of fear, much to my surprise. How you have such faith, I'll never understand. Such hope and trust you've always had, in what, I cannot see. For a moment my heart flutters, and I dare to hope. You look so beautiful, like an angel, I almost forget you're not immortal. Almost, but not quite.
"I love you." I murmur, kissing your hand, "I love you more." you reply, not missing a beat, "I love you most." I finish. It's a pattern we've repeated, millions of times. We knew it by heart, switching roles from time to time, never missing a line.
And I knew, as they rolled you away and our fingers slipped further and further apart until your hand fell limply back to your side, as I watched you disappear around a corner, as I followed and went into the room next door, as I laid down, breathing in and letting the world turn black, knowing this would be my last, I knew, that this time, I had finally meant it.
And if you wake up and wonder why you're still breathing, and find the heart inside your chest is new, here's a lovely death note, I wrote it just for you.
I didn't think I'd ever love somebody. But you came into my life and did something strange to me. My only regret is that I couldn't give you more than my heart. But at least my heart I gave, I hope it serves you well. I never really needed it anyways. You see life in everything, but to me the world exists in shades of gray. You have so much to live for, while for me, without you, life would be empty like it was before. I have little to lose, but losing you was something I know I couldn't bear through. You can still be someone's angel, and maybe they can give you more than their scarred and lifeless love. My heart beats for you always, to the end of your days. If there is a heaven, it doesn't call my name. If it really exists, then I hope for your sake, I never see you again. I know where I'm going. Don't follow me to that place. And as they lay me down in my grave, know that I found what I had been looking for. You taught me to feel, I wanted nothing more, and now I'm running away from the pain it will cause me. Who knows, you might have lived either way, the chances were small, but it wasn't none. But I'm not willing to bargain on your soul. You always believed in miracles, but the problem is, I don't.