Notes

7 am Thoughts (Apr)

7 am Thoughts

Apr 2
Like a machine
With many missing cogs
Cut off from the senses.
Nothing works except perfection,
And flaws spiral the system haywire.
Functioning on caffeine and
Half-hearted phone conversations.
Metal doesn't wither without light;
And I'm the biggest tin can out there.
Rolling on autopilot
And can't seem to get off the ground
Feeling nothing, going nowhere.
One foot in front of the other
Headed straight for- what?
It's not the deep blue of drowning
Rather the steel gray of emptiness.
I'm hollow, slowly rusting in the rain.

Apr 3
"Cause somebody stole // My car radio // And now I just sit in silence."

This silence might just drive me insane.

Apr 13th
It's like her feet are inches above the ground, and the earth spins out from under her, but she's standing still, drowning in her own little world.

Apr 14
"So... what about you," He drawls casually, "you have a boyfriend yet?"
She flashes a small smile, looking down. Taking a breath she looks back at her phone and plasters a dumbfounded look onto her face. If he was to ever see her as a friend again, she needed to pull this off.
"No... but I like someone."
"Nice. Tell me about it."
She swallows."Oh. He's wonderful," she doesn't need to fake the wistful look that crosses her face this time. She adds, "But we'll never be together..." /-not again/ She thinks bitterly, feeling her eyes prickle.
"Why not?"
"He has a girlfriend now. And even if he didn't, he definitely would never want to commit to someone like me." That part was true. Actually, all of it was.
"How do you know?" /Because it's you/ she wants to say, but instead sighs, and gives him a small smile, hoping he couldn't see her eyes on the small screen /Because you left/ "I just do."

Apr 17
When you hold her, do you ever remember me?

Apr 23
Flashes of red
Plaid memories.

Apr 24
She lay on the floor, sobbing in a broken heap, fingers digging into the carpet, as if she's scrambling for a hold to not fall away from sanity. 'Pain' cannot possibly describe what she was feeling. This was beyond pain, in another dimension of torture.
Her fingers catch on a cold strip of metal, and her hand curls around the object. She lifts her head and blinks through the blur, chest still heaving with silent sobs. It was a necklace. /The/ necklace. He'd given it to her long ago. Before all this happened. Before he had left. She curled up in a ball, cradling her cupped hands as if holding a wounded heart. Though in the same sense, she was. She'd forgotten she had this, and now it brought a new wave of loss, pealing yet another layer off the scrap of composure she had left. She broke again, choking on her tears. Choking until she breathed no more.

Apr 27
Can't decide if I want to be a BA ninja or a precious flower child... I think I'll go with badass flower.

Apr 28
And finally, she added "I've made my choice. I know what I want to do, and it may or may not involve kissing you right now, but regardless, the final decision is up to you. Whether or not you'll give us another chance. Give me another chance. See, the person who makes their decision last has the final say in what happens. That's why girls usually have the upper hand in a marriage proposal. But, that's all just me rambling. It's time to make a choice, darling." She sighed and looked up at him, not daring to cling to hope, but it filled her eyes regardless, as foolish as it was.

Apr 30
The hipster struggle is real.