Notes

7am Thoughts - June

June 1st
I'm tracing lines on delicate skin
Leaving wilting flowers in my wake.
As I wade through the tranquil water
The aqua blackens with my passage.
For I am tainted,
A rare form of disease.
I rot the things outside my flesh
While I slowly decay beneath.

June 3rd
I've got walls of every color
I try them on for show
Just to see which one will hold up
When the ice begins to thaw.
And well there's this one;
The brambles and thorns.
It's poisoned and dangerous
To those that try to get close.
I've got another one I like;
The castle stronghold.
It gives me the illusion
That I'm actually strong and bold.
And these walls, they are endless,
I make new ones everyday
But they make it slightly hard to show
That I don't always push people away

June 5th
"No!" She exclaimed, a little too frantically, and shook her head. Looking around and seeing people staring at her and, she lowered her voice and repeated, "No. You don't understand... You- I... can't /just eat it/. I can't just eat something, because if I eat the wrong thing, I might eat too much of it, and if I don't compensate for it by not eating the next day, I'll gain weight, and it won't go away unless I torture myself for a week. I'm sorry if this ruins our first real date, I love you, and I think this was very sweet, I really do, but I can't do this." Tears welled up in her eyes and she looked down, unable to bear seeing the hurt on his face.
"Why do you do this to yourself?"
"Because I love you, and if I didn't do this, you wouldn't love me. No one would."
He started to protest, but she cut him off, "No. Don't try to deny that, because I've heard it all before. It's easy to tell me I'm beautiful right now, but if I lost control again, you wouldn't be able to look at me without disgust. I can't control who I am as a person, but I can control what I eat, and I won't lose you over something so easily preventable."

A month later, he left.
And she lost control again.

June 9th
I long to believe that there's something sacred
In the moment when hands join and lips meet
Oh please let this be love
This feeling when bare skin collides.
Because I'd swim the deepest oceans
Just to get to the mountain I'd have to climb
To get to where you'd be trapped.
All of that just so I could hear you say my name.

June 10th
Every kiss they share resets the timer
Which starts ticking away the moments she can wait
Before her heartstrings strain against the weight of his absence once more.
They won't snap, but she'll toss restless in her sleep,
Impatiently waiting for the next chance when their eyes could meet.

June 11th
It dawned on her that all the promises were just bait to keep her hands moving;
Hope held over her head like food waved before a a starving dog.
Heat of the moment, some spark of animalistic passion.
It slammed her like a speeding train,
The realization that there will never be love here.
That there's no point trying, because reality is always the same.
Reality should never be given second chances.
And this is the last time she'll allow herself to fall for it, she promises, as she shuts down once more.
And just like that, she gave up.

June 12th
I cannot be anything less than perfect