Notes

Message to Him. Aug 2014

I don't know if you understand how much talking to you does for me. I don't know how I affect you, or if I do at all, but our conversations snap me back to reality a lot and keep me in check. I used to slip up so much, and I'd let myself get carried away, or I'd become really emotional and would be laying there hating myself and not doing anything to change it. I'm not letting myself do that now. I'm working on my flaws and weaknesses, and of those I have plenty. I'm trying to be strong for you, because the last thing you need is me being a melodramatic teenager. And I guess I'm also just secretly terrified you'll get sick of me just like everyone else. I'm trying real hard for you Michael. I've finally managed to be independent from any friends and rely only on God and myself for strength. On the exception of you, and now Dylan, I don't really talk to them, unless it's someone that needs my help, and I've been managing to cope pretty well without relying on anyone else, which is one thing I really needed to work on. I'm tired of living feeling trapped so I'm working so I can save up to move out once I can, and then I can finally be free and independent of others. I've also gotten better at not thinking my life sucks, mostly because I saw stuff others have gone through and I felt pathetic because I'm so lucky, I'm nothing but another ordinary teenager, just from a slightly different culture. If I ever feel sad for some dumb reason now, I remember how pathetic it is compared to what people go through every day and stop myself. I got sick of hating myself and not wanting anyone to be around me because I was so thoroughly disgusted with myself, I got sick of being reminded by my family about it every day. And then instead of thinking I'll always be like this, I took things into my own hands and took control over my life, and decided to do something about it rather than hate myself constantly. Some things about me I can't fix without becoming a robot, but I can try to control myself to please them just until I'm on my own and I won't have my family telling me what they hate about me, because at that point, I won't care at all. And you see, all of these things, I could have never done it on my own. If I didn't have someone I care so much about, someone I want to help that's already stronger than me, I wouldn't have a reason to try to be better. Yes, you're more mature, you've been through more, you're better at controlling yourself, but I know a few things that I want you to know but until I can prove that I'm just as capable, you won't take me seriously. And in order to prove I'm mature and not just a delusional, simple-minded teenager, I need to first become everything that I lack. If I want to be something someone else can lean on, I need to get rid of my own crutches and learn to walk by myself. I remember that time we were late to class and talking in the hallway, you said something along the lines of trying to be better for me, and now I'm the one saying it. I'm trying to be the best I can be, I'm going to extremes at times, to be the kind of person that will pull you up instead of dragging you down. Every time I remember you telling me anything about me being a good person it's like a slap in the face because as more time goes by I realize more and more that I'm not. And I never deserved for anyone to have thought good of me, and now it's time for me to actually live up to the person I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry if I just sounded extremely whiny. I'm just trying to make you understand how much everything you say means to me, because every time I hear from you, I'd be reminded of why I'm here. If for a second I started being miserable and pitying myself, when I heard from you I'd snap out of it and remember that if anyone had it hard, it was you, and I have no right to say a single negative thing because compared to how lucky I really am, it'd be practically a lie. And ever since I started praying for you, I've been praying a lot more than I did before, so you unintentionally even made me become closer to God. I also like talking to you because I'm trying to just have a normal conversation like we've been able to have before, but as you can see that doesn't work well, and I need to stop trying to make it feel like it's just any other day and that it can be like the good old times. Casual conversations are getting harder, they bore you, and frustrate me, because there's so much I want to say but I push it away so as not to ruin it. But basically, this is why I pester you so much. I want to do anything I can for you, but in the process, I also am given motivation to strive for something more. To try to be stronger and better. And see the thing is, I was starting to feel like I was actually stronger now. But then I realize something you say could make everything crumble down in an instant and then I'm forced to go do anything I can to stop myself from falling back into a hole. I've gotten this far, I've gotten better at not letting emotions control me or cloud my judgement. But then occasionally something you say sets me straight if I start feeling indestructible and reminds me that I still have a long ways to go.
And that's what I meant by the dumb comment I blurted after you sent the poem...