Notes

Convo w/Him Sep 2014

Him: I miss you a lot you know that? I just don't like that you put yourself through pain for no good reason. I know you can't see it now, but all the problems your dealing with stem from your inability to take care of yourself. You have to make sure that you can do that before you can take care of others. I'm not trying to make you go away, I'm trying to get it through your head that you're not doing anything wrong. You have the right to vent and ask your friends for advice. Friends shouldn't just be there to entertain you and unload their problems on you unless they're doing the same for you. It's my opinion that you have some terrible friends who fail to understand you or treat you the way you should be treated. They are undeserving of your help, yet you give it to them anyway, because you have tricked yourself into believing they are more important than you. Subsequently, you sacrifice your happiness in order to help unworthy people happier, except, because they aren't good friends, they really end up doing what they really want to do and you blame yourself for their actions and end up feeling even worse.

Me: Please remember that if I ever apologize to you, it's usually because I'm scared that my attempt to do or say what I thought was right at the time will look wrong in your eyes and then you'll get annoyed with me. I think it comes from the fear that you'll end up leaving (I don't like admitting it, but that's pretty deep rooted in me..) I get paranoid. My whole life I've always done something wrong. It's why I never kept friends. I was completely clueless and always ended up destroying friendships. I've really tried to learn from my past mistakes but I still get paranoid that I messed up again. Hence my apologies. Please don't get annoyed because of it... It's just really hard not to. And I've also learned that if someone is irritated and you admit you did something wrong, it's easier for them to pinpoint the blame on you. Once they do that, I can then apologize, because the action of forgiving someone offers great relief. And if it's something unforgivable, if they can blame someone else, they won't have to live with the bitterness of regret. That was my super long explanation of why I can't just NOT apologize when you tell me to stop. I hope you can understand...
Thank you for taking the time to explain everything. You're probably tired of hearing my recycled excuses and my outdated logic. Could you bear with me a little longer? :) I know you think I shouldn't try to always help people but... (oh boy, here comes the but. Prepare for a really bad excuse) It makes me so happy to see their lives get better. You say I'm doing this for no good reason, but is that really true? Sacrificing my happiness...? I don't know. Do you honestly think that I'm sacrificing anything? When I think about it, maybe I'm just investing. A little stress and pain now, in order to reap the rewards; knowing that someone's life got a little bit better. Does that make any sense or am I completely misunderstanding life
And maybe my friends aren't your definition of good friends, but that doesn't mean I should care about them any less, does it? Yes, they don't understand me that well but maybe it's because I've never opened up to most of them? I know you're trying to do what's best for me... I'm just thinking that maybe there's a solution to this that doesn't require me to stop helping people? I can't change others or do anything about how they treat me but I maybe can work on improving myself? I don't know. Do you think that's a reasonable option? Also, I don't think anyone's more important than anyone else. It's just that to ME, they take personal priority. I never said that I think I'm less important than them.