Notes

Aug 2014 How I Loved You

As I stopped thinking about my past and everyday loved you more and more, I forgot about the wounds and scars of before, and I forgot that I'd ever cried a single tear, it was all a distant dream, a hazy memory that seemed to belong to someone else, my pain and joy and tears and laughter were invested in you now. When you hurt, I hurt, when you truly smiled, the sun starting shining again. We had something better than anything I'd ever longed for before. I finally found out what it really truly felt like to love someone. Something that was more than nervous butterflies or awkward smiles. Something that was so strong it hurt to breath sometimes, because caring so much meant feeling your pain along with my own. But I wasn't a broken toy, messed up beyond repair. I was just never given the chance to heal, when every day something new would hurt me. I hadn't learned to protect myself, the walls I put up were weak and at the end of the day, I was defenseless. I jumped too often, fell too hard, and always remembered it. Until we met. You gave me the chance to forget for a while, about the knives stuck in my back, the arrows in my heart, and the many bruises on my mind. I wanted to protect you somehow, but you were my shield, your arms were my fortress, and if anything slipped past the defenses, it didn't hurt as much when all I thought about was loving you. All I could see was you, and it felt good to narrow my range of vision for once. The sleepless nights were now only because I loved you so much, and was terrified of losing you, terrified of something taking your soul away, afraid you'd completely lose sight of the light. The other sleepless nights were because I was missing you. But when you left, my world turned upside down. The wounds from the past opened up all at once, deeper and bigger than ever before.