Blue and White - Levi Fanfiction

Ch. 31 - Experiments, Eren, and Everything Between

We'd had this conversation before, or something like it, and I wasn't sure how I felt about rehashing it.

But no... It was different. Similar, yet different.

A long time ago, just after we'd accepted our four soldiers into the Special Operations Squad, I'd gotten jealous on top of a million other things I'd been feeling. I'd been conflicted, wanting more with Levi after years of us loving each other yet having, quite frankly, very little to show for it. Did we love each other? Yes, of course. But at the time, Levi declaring Petra to be his aide had been the final thing to make me snap, and I did.

All my feelings had come rushing out and I expressed to him that I wanted to do more with him - until that point, we expressed our love simply, through simple loving gestures and by simply stating it and by doing simple things for each other. I'd help him clean, he would pass me some of his meal each night so that I wouldn't be hungry, upon going to bed I would wish him a good night and kiss his cheek, and he'd tell me loved me and continue working, and so many other simple and clean acts of love. 

It was simple.

But after I broke down and talked to him about it, it sparked a deeper conversation between us that really seemed to break through the dam that he'd put up - and we started doing more. Hugs became more frequent, kisses were shared more often, and he'd run his hands through my hair at night and hold me close. For as far as our duties would allow, our love was expressed. 

I would sidle up behind him while he was working and drape my arms around his shoulders, telling him about how good a job he was doing and how well our soldiers were doing under ours - and especially his - leadership. He would often respond in kind, pressing a kiss to my cheek and denying my claims.

We would talk for hours, cuddling close and staying warm only through the proximity. We would trade thoughts over a pot of tea, work together by candlelight, and sit calmly together and look out a window or out over the grounds at the world we'd been born into but were still unused to being able to see.

All of this... but why was I feeling this way?

Wasn't it enough?

Surely it was, but... clearly it wasn't, if I was feeling this way. Was I being selfish, wanting something like a ring? No, because it wasn't about the ring, it was about the promise we could share that would maintain that our love was eternal and sacred. Was that silly?

Being Captains now, we had to maintain a certain level of... professionalism. I knew that. We couldn't go around making out or talking about our bedroom activities in public, but that's not at all what I wanted.

Even something like a quick and simple peck might be too much for Levi, shy and unused to attention as he was, in public. But surely, when we went for supplies in town we could hold hands? Or if I greeted him on the training grounds, I could kiss his cheek?

And surely... he wouldn't be averse to having more formal dates? A dinner, a walk, something other than just being stranded here at the base? We had our job. We had to give our all for humanity. But I had hopes that someday, we might retire or we might kill all the Titans and we could be normal, or as normal as we actually could be.

The fact of the matter was that we were not normal. We were criminals with sharp blades hidden away and sharper tongues.

Perhaps that was the problem.

I knew that we weren't normal, and we didn't express ourselves normally. But that didn't mean that... normal things were out of the question, right? Hand-holding, sharing a name, kissing him without having to look around first to make sure no one was around...