Blue and White - Levi Fanfiction

Ch. 36 - Stohess, the Turning Point

When at long last my tears dried and my breathing evened out, I washed my face in the bathroom. Though calmed now, my eyes would remain puffy and my throat raw from sobbing, my sinuses tight with pressure from the same and my head as achy as my limbs, but even those sensations were nothing compared to how my heart still hurting so.

Goodness, it still hurt so much.

My limbs protested as I pulled one of Levi's sweaters on - a tad oversized on me but warm and comfortable - and left the room. I walked quietly down to the kitchens, with nothing but ghosts and spirits to follow me. They were familiar ghosts, and spirits that knew me well... but they were ghosts and spirits all the same.

Passing by the barracks, I was not at all surprised to hear... nothing. Usually, on a normal day, the noise coming from the barracks would be almost unbearably loud, especially at night when the soldiers were supposed to be winding down. The night after an expedition was always quiet.

It really didn't matter that we were in the abandoned base that had been, for the past month or so, occupied only by myself, Levi, Eren and my four soldiers. Now, there were only three of us, and even if this base was full to the brim with soldiers, it would be completely, terribly silent. I'm sure that even at the main base right now, all was quiet; no one was in the mood to be loud and merry tonight.

After an expedition this bad, I didn't blame them.

"It's happening again," I murmured, hearkening back to what I'd said earlier.

This was just so horribly like the expedition that left us with only twenty soldiers under Shadis' command. We'd worked so hard, so damn hard, to reestablish ourselves after that expedition and build our ranks back up, but clearly, it'd all been for naught. So many young soldiers died today, so full of talent and potential, so full of life and joy, and it was us, the veterans and a handful of recruits, that were left to pick up the pieces.

Erwin's game had been meant to be played by him; only he could sacrifice so many players. It was the strategy he employed. He meant for soldiers to die today. He knew it was necessary. The reinforcements that had come to stall the Female Titan, the poor soldiers out on the right wing were put there for a reason. All that had mattered to him today was capturing our enemies, whoever was so foolish as to come after us, and protect Eren. Those were his goals, and he would complete them... by any means necessary.

I wondered if he knew how much such tactics hurt us, those who worked under him... but there was nothing to be done about it now. Besides, it was selfish. I had my life. Levi had his life. That was what mattered, right...?

Thankfully, my feet didn't need my full focus to bring me to my destination, so finally, I made it into the kitchen and prepared a pot of black tea with whatever I could scrounge together. I waited in silence for the water to boil, then prepared it as I always had. When it was ready, I set the pot and two cups on a wooden tray and headed up to where I knew Levi would be.

After storming out, I figured it would be obvious as to where he went: he wouldn't return to the office so soon, and there was no one else here to visit - even if we were at the main castle, he'd likely only want to visit with Erwin, but after such an awful meeting, who would want to see him right now?

I wondered for a moment if he might visit Eren, or if I should - but I decided against it, because I didn't know what words I could possibly say to him to make him feel better knowing that everyone who had died today had done so for him. I had barely come to terms with it, myself.

So, I went up to the roof.

I set the tray against my hip to free up one hand after climbing up one the stairwell heading up to the battlements. I opened the door leading to the roof, stepped out, and closed the door behind me as quietly as I could, though the door itself betrayed me and opened with a low, dull creak. On trained, nearly silent feet, I walked over to the ledge where Levi sat, looking out over the grounds and up at the starry night sky.