Blue and White - Levi Fanfiction

Ch. 57 - So Ist Es Immer

"So ist es immer", a moniker that once, long ago, I had sung damn near daily.

It was a simple phrase, one that I had long since forgotten the meaning of or at the very least neglected to live by - but not anymore.

So it is always.

It... being very many things. In a world like this one, the one we lived in, very little was certain. Very little was dependable, to be there day in and day out. Life was but a fickle mistress, as were health, wealth, happiness, and a great many other things.

Conversely, there were many things that were certain. As I grew to learn, there were things that were rather dependable, things that would be there day in and day out. Pain, the sun and moon, and... and love.

Within our three walls, while the state of our lives was always something we had to worry for because we could get attacked or catastrophe could strike at any moment, we still had to live. We had to. For us in the scouts, we still had to fight, train, and remain at the ready. For the citizens, they too had their jobs, and everything that went into their day to day lives.

Something we all experienced was pain - pain of the body, the mind, and of the heart.

But we also all experienced love.

I couldn't help but think about it on the walk home from Reyes' home. Seeing the flags of the emblem I bore proudly swaying in the wind for a victory hard-fought - though not by myself - was bittersweet. My heart was broken at the thought that so many had perished, and now that I was by myself, the stunning yet terrible weight of it all settled atop my shoulders. 

It was a different type of weight than before. When I was alone during the mission, the worry was what weighed down on me. Worry for their safety, their wellbeing, not least of all those for my husband and following him, my subordinates, for they were so young and after them... my dearest comrades.

Though I trusted Levi to be strong, as Levi always was, battles were dangerous.

Though I trusted my subordinates to support each other, battles were dangerous.

Though I trusted my dearest friends to stay safe, battles were dangerous.

That was yet another constant.

The weight that settled on me now was of a different kind. The burden of those lives lost was heavy against my shoulders. I hadn't dared yet ask what exactly had happened, for it hadn't mattered at the time, but I couldn't help but be curious in a sick, terrible way. What could possibly have happened for Moblit, for Dirk, for Marlene, for Rashad, for dozens upon dozens of scouts, and for Erwin, to all have died?

I couldn't think of any one threat that could have done it. So either they found themselves caught in a trap Erwin hadn't anticipated, they'd all been separated, or the easiest of the possibilities: that things had gone horribly, catastrophically, wrong.

I shivered at the thought, or at least at the chill seeping into my bones. It didn't really matter to me. I held the bundle of my things closer to my chest as though it would help me keep warm, but I knew it was futile.

I couldn't feel warm, and I surely wouldn't, not until I was at Levi's side once more, for that was one of the few constants we had: love. I loved him, and I couldn't be more relieved that he had returned safely, just as he had promised. Our family would be whole... or nearly.

I loved Moblit and my fellow commanding officers, and I certainly loved Erwin like a brother, just as I had loved Farlan and Isabel, and Moses and Mike, and Nanaba and Gelgar, and Eld and Gunther and Olou and Petra. I had loved them all... just as I had loved Caden, and my father.