earned it [h.s.]

11. (*)

Genevieve.

Blair was less than happy when Harry and I walked back inside after having a smoke.

Her eyes shot fire at us and she instantly scolded the both of us for the smell of smoke. I kept my eyes low, taking her harsh words while Harry seemed less than impressed, snapping back at her that she had to get off his back.

I still wasn't functioning properly after the interactions I'd had with Harry outside.

He wanted to kiss me.

Or he didn't, maybe it was just the moment, but he was close and his hands were on me and his jacket on my shoulders. It felt intimate and it caused me to lose my breath. I wasn't sure what would've happened if I hadn't pulled away, but it was wrong on so many levels.

I wasn't here for him. Mrs. Hilton would have my head if she knew I even so much of thought of her husband in that way.

Today had been all kinds of weird. After coming home from church yesterday, I was a wreck. I succumbed to the negative energy around me and fell straight into the spiral of destruction for the rest of the day. I snatched the alcohol out of my cupboard, took the Xanax from my nightstand and smoked an entire pack of cigarettes on the balcony of my apartment, all the while I was crying hysterically.

The combination of alcohol and pills didn't work well for my body and I was hunched over the toilet for most of the evening before I fell into a restless sleep. Only to wake up hours later in cold sweats and a horrible comedown from the substances I had taken. My mind was spinning, I was trembling and pacing around the apartment, desperate for some sort of distraction or relief.

I went to knock on Derek's door in pure desperation, but he wasn't in.

So I yanked open my bedside drawer and pulled out whatever toy I could get my hands on. Naked and writhing on my bed, the vibrator inside of me brought me orgasm after orgasm until it got near painful. But I didn't stop, I needed to literally blank my mind. It didn't grant me the feeling of security, feeling a warm body wrapped around mine, but it was the best I could do with the means that I had.

I tried not to think of Harry when I came.

And I failed.

I had no idea why this random man had me in a chokehold all of a sudden. Maybe because he was the only one who didn't expect anything of me for the first time in my life, ever? Maybe because he was genuinely just confused and awkward around me and it was kind of adorable? Maybe because him doing the bare minimum – giving me something to sleep in and making me coffee – was the most someone had ever done for me?

The bar was very low, so it seemed. 

Still, I couldn't get him out of my head for the life of me. I had to admit I was maybe even a little excited for Monday night, only to see him. But Monday came around and comedown was a bitch, and it was another day of dragging myself around the apartment. If I didn't have responsibilities that evening, I'd for sure be gulping down whiskey again and swallowing pills.

Standing in front of the mirror in the red dress that Blair requested me to wear, I felt small. Not only because it was once again quite tight on me and accentuated every little roll and dip that I had, but it also showed of the bruises on my arm that I couldn't hide for the life of me. They were dark and developed, and anyone would be easily able to see that it was from someone grabbing me.

So I went against her wishes and put on the classiest dress that I owned, that could also hide my arm.

Mrs. Hilton's judgemental stare at my blue dress didn't really help with how confident I felt that night. She was pissed that I went against her. The only relief I got from it was that she didn't attempt to kiss me this time. Harry gave me a polite nod when I entered their home and soon enough we were on our way to a restaurant. I wasn't sure who was going to be there or what my role was, but Blair purposely set me down on the far end of the table.