earned it [h.s.]

46.

Harry.

If you had told me three months ago that I would find myself on a regular Wednesday afternoon, walking through the doors of a lawyer's office for a meeting to discuss my upcoming divorce, I would've laughed.

If you had told me three months ago that I'd be in love with another woman besides Blair, and that I'd been having a secret relationship with her for months while constantly cheating on my wife, I would've probably become angry and felt insulted.

But nothing was less true.

My entire days were spent thinking of Genevieve, imagining our future life together where we'd live in some apartment in the city and have regular meet-ups with our friends. She'd find a best friend in Sarah and later on in Glenne, and we'd have fun and smile and laugh and have the most incredible sex and then cook together and watch documentaries late at night and wake up with coffee and crossword puzzles. And maybe there'd be kids and a dog and we'd be happy.

So happy.

A kind of happiness I couldn't even imagine right now, while still being married to Blair.

I glanced at the ring on my finger, something I forced myself to wear as long as Blair had to stay clueless about my plans of divorcing her. The entire day, my stomach had been in knots. I hadn't heard much from Diane and I could only hope she had good news for me.

So that I could put an end to this and stop hurting the woman I loved by staying with someone else. Genevieve was bloody strong for that, because I knew it was painful for her and I had vowed to stop hurting her. I hated hurting her, yet I had done so much of it. First by constantly trying to fight the feelings I was developing for her, by trying to hang onto my marriage. And now by dragging this entire thing out. Which wasn't my personal choice.

And I was over it. I was so over it. Even more so since Blair walked into my bedroom this morning and tried to start something up. I had sleepy eyes that early in the morning before my alarm even went off, and the harsh light of the hallway woke me up in a not very pleasant way.

I was wide awake immediately though when Blair undid her robe and let it drop to the floor, and I had quickly diverted my eyes upon realizing that she was naked. It felt sinful somehow, seeing her like that these days. I didn't want to, it felt wrong. At this point, it felt like I was cheating on Genevieve with Blair.

So when she climbed up into the bed with no clothes on, I gently nudged her off. When she begged me for intimacy with tears in her eyes, gripping my face in an attempt to kiss me, I turned my head and tried not to throw it back in her face how I begged for intimacy for years yet she always denied me.

And then when she started crying, I felt bad. She sunk her face into my neck while sobbing and I had swallowed thickly before I wrapped her in the sheet and shortly held her. Long enough to provide a little comfort, not long enough to give her any ideas that I wanted more.

She had walked out of the bedroom again with the sheet around her, sniffling until she disappeared back into her own room. I had called Genevieve on my way to work to tell her about it with a heavy heart. She had been silent for a few seconds before clearing her throat, and reacting in a very mature and understanding way.

I had repeated to her how I didn't deserve her, not even a little bit. I hadn't done anything, but I knew Genevieve was jealous. I'd be jealous too.

I had reassured Genevieve that nothing happened. Honestly, I felt hardly any attraction towards Blair anymore. It was like I was so blind for such a long time, and now it was just... gone. No more sparks, no more hearts surrounding her when I looked at her, no more pride when she accomplished something. It left me mostly indifferent. There was no denying she'd always be a beautiful woman, but I just didn't feel anything anymore.