earned it [h.s.]

52.

Genevieve.

My apartment felt smaller when I walked in after Harry dropped me off.

Somehow, I felt lonely already. At first, being away for a few days with just Harry felt scary. We had never spent that much uninterrupted time together with just us. I feared he'd find out I'm boring, or not all that smart.

But now that he left to go back to Blair's house for – hopefully – one of the last times, I felt lonely. I missed him by my side, stroking his fingers up my shoulder soothingly while I'd search for my keys. Now there was just silence, a thumping bass coming from behind Derek's door and no sign of life behind Carrie's.

I hadn't heard form her ever since she gave up her baby. I tried knocking a few times but she never opened. She never bothered me again either. I wished I knew if she was alright.

I was tired from yesterday.

Not only did I hardly sleep due to all the anxiety of my situation with my parents, Harry and I had a long drive and an even longer night.

I never could've imagined I'd take him to that club, watch him make-out with a man, score us his number for when we were ready for that threesome before he fucked me in public on the couch in the middle of a club.

But it had felt exhilarating and so exciting. I had felt so alive and so free and so... light. After that day, I needed that. And Harry went with it and supported me throughout it all. It was all I could ever wish for in a partner.

I knew Harry always felt like I had a very free sex life, but I had never done anything like that where I really felt good and safe about myself. He did that all for me.

The apartment felt larger somehow as I sorted through my suitcase while sipping on water, fighting off my hangover from last night. My body was sore from travel, sex and standing on the high heels for too long.

I decided to keep my outfit casual for my meeting with Ezra. I had requested to see him immediately, telling him that I'd want to break my contract with Blair. I sighed upon realizing Harry had to be almost home now, and I felt a knot in my stomach knowing he was about to see Blair.

I wasn't sure what conversation he'd have with her, but Harry did tell me he had a call with Diane too later today. There was going to be a lot happening in the following week.

I put the clean clothes in the closet and stuffed the dirty ones in a hamper that I could take to the laundromat later. I decided on a short shower in my own bathroom before picking out my outfit. My phone stayed silent as I nibbled my lip and scanned my closet, taking out a black dress and my Doctor Martens.

I wasn't really hungry so I decided on a late lunch after my meeting with Ezra. With a skip in my step, I made my way to Lotus.

Message to: H.

On my way to Lotus, hope all is going well. Call later? Xx

I sent the message while exhaling shakily. I really wanted to be a fly on the wall sometimes. Also, I just felt worried about him.

The exterior of the bar brought a sense of familiarity and warmth in my body. Before Harry, before love, this was my home. Lotus brought me peace and a purpose, and I had always loved it here. Ezra took a chance on me when I had nothing to offer him and gave me something to do and it made me grow as a person.

This used to be the only place I liked being. I hated being alone, I used to work every single day in order to feel something and not be left alone with my thoughts. It was a pattern of numbing myself with sex on escort dates and numbing myself with alcohol and drugs when I was by myself.