Second Best(2yeon/Najeong version)

Loneliness

Nayeon

Time passes, Hours become days, days turn to weeks, months pass in blur and I continue to live. But am I living? I breath, I get up and get dressed but I am numb. Sure I smile and throw on a happy face but its all an illusion. Inside I am lost in the abyss of grief.

Its been three months since Jinyoung funeral. Same shit different day. My daughter is growing and I have no one to share it with. Thankfully she's sleeping through the night so I am not a complete mess. Those first few months were enough to put me over the edge but at the same time she kept me going.

Loneliness consumes me but I don't let anyone know.

" No mom. I am fine" I huff and put the phone to my shoulder trying to assure her for the millionth time. If its not her its Mark calling to check on me.

" Nay, you are not fine. You are barely functioning. I am getting on a plane" She chides.

That's the last thing I want. She stayed with me for a month after Emma was born and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Her nagging and forcing me out of the house was enough to make me question my decision to let her come at all.

" Jesus, I am fine. I am living and Dad needs you at home. Emma and I are doing great" I lie.

I stopped letting anyone know what my life is like six months ago. Apparently there's a time limit on grieving before people start talking. My friends are still concerned that I haven't really done anything. I don't go out and I refused to go back to my old job as a reporter. I don't want to be on the air and talking to families going through tragedy. I am going through it now.

She gives a short laugh " Liar."

" I am not lying" I grab the baby monitor and head out on the deck which is the best thing about this house. When Jinyoung and I found this place, I fell in love. It is on the back of the Chesapeake Bay and the deck is where I spend most of my day. I feel close to him here. I can feel him in the wind- which is crazy but when I close my eyes its like his hands are touching me. His breath glides across my neck pushing the hair off my face. The sun warms me and I can pretend. I can allow myself the illusion that he's here. He's just out on a mission and will be home soon. I hold on to the feeling as long as I can because its so much better to pretend than face the fact that my husband is dead.

" Right. You are always fine, you are damn zombie" She scolds.

" I got a job" I blurt hoping it'll threw her off.

" Doing what?" She asks skeptically.

" I am going to work for Wang Security."

I can almost hear the disapproval through the phone. Too bad I don't care what she thinks.

" Oh that sounds like a great idea and a wonderful way to start moving on."

" Glad you agree" I reply knowing damn well she's being sarcastic.

She doesn't understand. She and my father are still happily married. I lost my happily ever after. I want to be close to him to feel something to still have something to share with him. Wang Security forces is the last place Jinyoung was alive. Its the place he spent his days in working for Jackson. He's in that office. He's in this house. I can't move on. I can barely breath.... but I do. For Emma. Everyday I get my ass out of bed I get dressed and I live in what small way I can and all I want is a tiny piece of what I once had so I am going where I can feel him more strongly. Its starting to fade here. I can no longer see him in the bathroom shaving or remember what he sounded like when he laughed. I try so had to hold on to it. I want it but each day I lose another part of my life with him. The pain remains but my memory of Jinyoung is slipping away.