Second Best(2yeon/Najeong version)

Crying Nayeon

Nayeon

" What the hell is wrong with me?" I say out loud while grabbing the popcorn in the kitchen. I just got all stupid over nothing there's this thing happening to me. I don't understand it. The pull between us grows stronger and as much as I want to fight it, I feel helpless. I want to be around her, I want her to come over and be here but then I don't and honestly the only reason is that I am scared.

Scared of having feelings for someone and that someone who's exactly like my husband. One who will lay down her life for another. Its the same fate I am living now and I don't know that I could endure this again. I definitely don't want my daughter to ever know the hurt of losing yet another person in her life. Only this time it would be so much worse. She would actually know Jeongyeon so I have to stop this-whatever it is.

I head back out into the living room with the bowl and sit next to Jeongyeon her stance is ridiculously rigid as my obvious diversion must not have gone unnoticed.

" Want some?" I ask handling her the bowl.

She laughs and digs her hand in tossing a few kernels at me.

" Smooth Nay" Jeongyeon chuckles and I laugh despite my embarrassment.

" Come here lets finish our movie."

Taking a grounding breath I lean back into her.

The movie drags on forever. I will never understand how I got struck watching this. This was one of Jinyoung's favorite movies too. He and Mark would recite lines to each other any time they could. I miss the little things. A tear pricks and confliction overtakes me once again.

I settle in and try to let my mind stop turning. Its crazy how easy and domestic this moment is laying in Jeongyeon's arms watching television after working all day. How we had dinner put Emma to bed and now we are just spending time together. Its only felt weird because I have made it weird. Its felt... right. I could do this every day and be content.

I shouldn't want this.

But I do.

I shouldn't be comfortable in her arms.

But I am.

I should make her leave and put some distance between us.

But I can't.

I hear the line Jinyoung used to recite from the movie " Hold up wait a minute, let me put some pimpin' in it."

I burst out laughing and so does Jeongyeon. I look at her as I remember. I remember how she used to sound how her face was after she's say it. The way her eyes crinkled and she'd smile when I'd roll my eyes. I remember it all and I start crying not tears from laughing but full out tears. It hurts to remember. The pain crashes over me like waves on the shore. They roll in one after the other and each one breaks my heart a little more. I want the pain to stop.

Jeongyeon's eyes go wide when she realizes I am not laughing. She immediately takes me into her arms and holds me close.

" Nay? What's wrong?" The panic is clear in her voice.

" Oh my god!" I cry louder and it doesn't stop.

" I can't" I say in between breaths. Holy shit I am falling apart " I can't breath."

Guilt assaults me for thinking of a life with Jeongyeon while I am still so fresh to this new life making it hard to breath.

Jeongyeon holds my face in her hands and wipes my tears with her thumbs.

" Why are you crying? What happened?" she asks confused.

I keep crying as she stares at me like I am a wounded animal which is exactly what I must look like.