Save me - an Ashley Olsen story

War of the Mind

Hey! So this one's going to be sad sorry ... But will get lighter at the end. Some ⚠️ warning for suicidal thoughts.

We just lay in peaceful silence untill I hear her breathing even out. I kiss her head and attempt to get some sleep tonight but my mind begins to wonder to the explosion and the feelings that went through my mind. What scares me and keeps me up at night is not that I almost died or even hearing my body being crushed. No, it's that I felt nothing. I wasn't scared to die. Why? Why wasn't I scared? I have everything I want... Right? How could I just not care about leaving Ashley, Liz, everyone behind? What type of monster does that make me? Do I want to die? These thoughts consume me as I drift off into another uneasy sleep.

POV JJ

It has been a couple days since Christmas. Jarnette and David had went home for the new years and today is Ash and MK's fashion show. I won't be able to go but I give them all my love and support as I watch it from the TV. Everyone is going with them, well not the kids. Rose is at Melanie's and Tommy and Lucy have a sleepover. Ash didn't want me home by myself and I told her Emily was going to come over to hang with me. She finally caved and left. That was a couple hours ago. Emily was on her way and I was alone on the couch sitting in silence. I've not been able to think about much since those thoughts plagued my mind a couple of days ago. I can't get to lost because the door bell rings snapping me out of my thoughts. I groan as I get up and crutch my way over to the door. "Hey Em, thanks for coming over" I say and let her in. "No problem, I have nothing to do today anyway" she shrugs taking her shoes off. We make our way to the couch and sit. "so, what are we doing today?" She asks and I shrug. "wanna watch a movie?" She asks and I nod not caring. She grabs some snacks and puts a random movie on. I couldn't tell you what it's about I haven't been paying attention at all. About half way through the movie I open my mouth, "do you think I'm broken?" I ask randomly. I don't even know why I said it, I didn't mean to but here we are. She turns to me confusion written all over her face, picking up the remote she paused the movie. "what? Of course not why would you ask that?" She asks and I chew on my lip. "I didn't feel anything" I whisper and she turns to fully face me. "Feel what?" She asks gently and I glance up at her. "I didn't care if I died. I didn't feel anything Em" I say and she looks shocked but quickly smooths out her features. "I'm sure that's not true.." she starts but I cut her off. "It is Emily, I didn't care. I don't care, why? I have all these people but nothing. Something is wrong with me" I say broken and she scoots closer. "don't say that Jennifer. You're not broken." She says firmly but I don't believe her. "My mind didn't even flash through anything, it was blank. No Ashley, Liz, you... It was almost peaceful" I say and she looks down at her hands. "I guess that's a classic suicidal person or I'm just a psychopath." I scuff and she shakes her head. "No, you're none of the above. Why..." She starts but seems at a loss for words, but I know what she wants to ask. "I don't know Em." I say scared and she leans over to hug me gently but firm. "it's ok, why don't you talk to someone. It may help" she whispers, and I shrug. "If they seem me unstable, they have to report it" I say and she stays silent knowing I'm right. "You can always talk to me" she says as well pull away and I nod. "I don't know how to describe it. I thought of them while chained up and how I wanted to see you guys again. But when he threatened to kill me it's like a switch flipped. I didn't care, I tainted him. I don't know why Em. Then when we were struggling, I fought hard not to die, I wanted to get back home but when I was laying there it was so peaceful." I say not knowing how to interpret it. "It's like a part of me wants to leave, but only when given the choice, but I fight so hard to stay. It's so confusing" I say exhausted, and she just holds my hand. "You've been through a lot in your life JJ, there's a part of you that is done with all the hurt and heartache. But you know you can't give in, so you fight." She says and I nod along but it doesn't make it make any more sense. "I guess ya... What do you want to do?" I as changing the subject not wanting to talk anymore about this.