Save me - an Ashley Olsen story

Flashes and Plans

POV JJ

It's almost been a week since the last case and Emily is doing a lot better. She ended up staying with us for a few days and went back to her apartment yesterday. Ashley was an absolute saint and helped out where ever she could, even taking off work the day after we got back to help out. Overall Em's recovery went well, she actually didn't push herself probably since she knew how freaked out I was. The whole team helped out and Pen showered Em, Spence and I in particular, in lots of love and hugs. Right now though I had just gotten back from my therapy appointment and just sitting on the couch. Ash is at work and I'm lost in thought.

Fashback

We had just landed and Emily was transfered to a nearby hospital to be checked out before getting the all clear to go home. I had driven her, not wanting her out of my sight. The team wanted to come but Emily told them to go home, she was tired and wanted to sleep. After Pen hugged Em tightly without hurting her we set off. The ride was quiet and I was on autopilot the whole time. Even at the hospital as I sat in the uncomfortable chair for hours I was silent. My mind was buzzing and all I wanted to do was breakdown but I knew I couldn't. The doctors wanted to keep Emily overnight since she was dehydrated and was in pain. Emily had begged me to go home, and I only did after making her swear she would stay with Ash and I for a few days. She had agreed suprisingly willingly and quickly, so I left. Just my luck it was pouring outside and by the time I reached my car I was drenched. I gripped my steering wheel tightly not allowing myself to let the tears in my eyes fall. I think being home is making everything more real. Yes, I did breakdown in the bathroom. And yes, I did breakdown on the phone with Ashley but what I needed right now was not to cry. No, I needed to scream. To hit something. I was filled with a huge amount of guilt and rage that needed to come out. Crying felt good, yes. But that was for almost loosing my best friends. That was for the shock and trauma of the case. I needed more. I always pride myself on being calm and collected but I have my moments. Small and fleeting yes, but I still need to let out my pent up anger once in a while. Usually I go to the gym or sprint on the track, but I I'm too tired and screaming is all there is left I can think of.

Before I know it I am in front of our house and the rain pelting the car is the only noise that could be heard. I had turned the car off and was sitting numbly in the car. I almost lost Emily. I had chosen Spencer over her. I got her shot by not making a choice first. Hotch was wrong to put his faith in me. The team wouldn't have made a choice, they would have found another way. They always do. I missed the sighs. I knew something wasn't right yet I ignored it. I got them kidnapped. I got them both hurt. I made everyone worry. I made Ashley worry. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't quick enough. All these thoughts rush through my head and I become suffocated by them. I feel trapped. I need out. I push the door open rushing out of the car shutting the door behind me. I take ragged breathes as my breathing becomes irregular. I feel the oddly warm rain pelt my skin soaking my clothes. My hair. I clench my fists and bang them back on the car. I can't take all the voioces. I need them to stop. I need my mind to stop! "AAARRHHHH!" I scream fisting my hair. I step away from the car and lift my head up at the sky. "AAAHHHHH!" I scream again letting all my anger out. "FUCK!" I yell dragging my hands down my face. "FUCKING.... AAARRHHHH!" I scream in frustration dropping onto my knees on the driveway. My head is bent up facing the sky letting the rain wash away my anger. pain. guilt. "Get yourself together JJ" I mummble taking a deep breath. "He's dead. She's alive. Everything is fine" I mumble again bowing my head down now. My anger washes over me again. Nothing is fine. Everything is not ok! Don't I deserve to let out my pain? My anger? My therapist did say not to bottle it up, but I don't think this is what she ment. I'm going to need to book an appointment with her. I pick myself up and wipe my face, totally drained, I walk to the door unlocking it. I'm kind of suprised Ash didn't hear me or somthing, but the rain is comming down hard. As I walk into the house I strip my drenched jacket off and soaked shoes leaving them by the door. I slowly making my way, uncomfortably, through the house noticing the living room lamp on. I soften a bit when I see Ash curled up on the couch asleep, clearly waiting for me like she said she would. The day just was longer then we thought and it's now late at night making me feel bad. I move her down gently so she won't have a sore neck and drape a blanket over her. I leave the light on knowing she will most likley wake up in a few hours like she usually does when she's waiting for me or nervous. I head upstairs and go striaght into the bethroom shutting the door. Stripping out of my soaked clothes I turn on the shower and let the water heat up now feeling freezing.