i don't mind :: c.h

15: Scars

Allyssa Moriones

Part of me doesn't want to make this shit possible. But, part of me wants to experience how these scars will make me even better or not.

I watched Steph as she ran towards me for a hug. She's happy with Luke now. It's been like three months and they're still together.

"What's bothering my best friend, eh?" She simply asked. "I don't know. Fucked up life always has been always in favor of me." I commented, making her give me a skeptical look.

"Don't fucking dare what I did to myself, Ally. I know what you're thinking." I know. She knew from the start that I wanted to do was harm. She knew from the start I saw her harming herself right then and there that I wanted to feel pain.

Of course I do. Not because of my life, but because of the one I used to love only neglected my feelings for him.

After all of those shitty explanations, Steph walked out and told me that she'll sleep with Luke. So I let her. I can't take away her happiness. I could risk my life just to let Steph know how much important she is in my life. I would do it.

I pulled a small box out from my shelf. It has a name that I wrote before and it says "Bitter Escape for people who is fucked up." The words I wrote when I was 15 still was placed there. Never been erased, just dusted away because after six years, I will finally use it. I'm not proud because I say this, I am totally disgusted for what I will do. On second thought, I knew this was good.

I knew this was a plan I kicked since the day I saw him with that girl.

I stared at the blade for a minute, realizing all the bullshits that happened to me this day. I looked up at all of my posters. I stared at them. "I'm sorry. I said I'll never do this. But it seemed like this is the only way I could keep the shit out of myself."

Before I could say a word, I just found myself cutting three consecutive wounds on my wrist. Tears fell from my eyes. I screamed, making all of my worries and pain come out. "I hate myself! I hate how I managed to fall inlove with you! Is this what you want? You want me to harm myself? I did this because I thought it was you! I did this because.." I stopped for a minute. I found myself shouting at his standee in my room. I'm shouting at a fucking piece of cardboard. I'm shouting at his face pasted in a cardboard.

"I did this because I already fell inlove with you. I did this because I love you, Calum." I whispered. "It may sound fucking alarming, but there is no one who could understand me. Even Steph. She's happy with Luke. I don't want to ruin her happiness just because of this fucking emotion I have in my heart."

I let myself out on this dark room. I let myself harm my insides. This felt something different.

I tugged myself to sleep. Feeling that my eyes are soaked in tears, I didn't care.

Maybe these scars will change me.

Maybe these scars let me feel the pain, and the shit I had been keeping up the past few days.

Scars of love. Scars of real pain.

I just hoped that tomorrow will be some kind of day I won't expect.

I'll just pray, that tomorrow will be a day my fears will be gone.

I want to be free. I want to be the best I could for the people that surrounded me.

I want to be.. Different.