Just the Beginning

11

MATT

I just dropped Chase off at his house and now it's just the two of us. She's still shaken up about the house fire. Can't blame her though. I'm still a little shocked. I definitely wasn't expecting any of this to happen. She hasn't talked much. She's laughed at a couple of things but really, she's been quiet and stared out the window.

"Is there anything you'd like to do?" I ask.

"I-I don't know," she shakes her head, "I don't even know what to think. I don't want to talk about it but what else is there to talk about?"

I understand her. I get it. If she wants to talk about something else though, we can.

"Okay then tell me about the kid at school."

"What about him?"

"He was there before you pulled out of school," I look over at her as I drive, "did anything else happen? Did he say anything to you?"

"Not at the end of the day," she shakes her head, "but throughout the day, in the halls, he'd always find me. It was like he was waiting for me at the end of every class. Always knew where I was, where I was going. The first time he just walked up and said hi, told me he had just started but wanted to get to know me because of all the talk around my name? I guess I didn't realize how many people still talked negatively, like I know Chelsea and Kayla are shit starters but no way they're the only ones. He asked how I felt about my dad being in prison. Then he asked if I knew you and what you were involved with-"

"What I'm involved with?"

"Yeah... you know... gangs."

I feel the heat rush to my cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was scared it would get you hurt."

"I'm already hurting Matt," her voice raises a bit. I can hear the crack. "My dad is in prison, partially because of that. He was involved. My mom is a mental fucking mess. I have one friend at school and I swear every other kid is out to make my life a living hell. My house just fucking burnt down because my own mother was trying to kill herself! What do I do with that? And I find out today that YOU are involved in the same shit that put my dad where he is. Yeah yeah I know he made the decision to kill somebody but it WAS gang related. Alright? It was. And now you're in it too? What am I supposed to do with that, Matt? I'm terrified. I'm upset. I'm so so angry. I just- I don't know. I don't know..."

Right now I don't know what to say. My heart is beating faster than normal. I'm nervous to speak and say something wrong.

"I uhm- can I explain?"

"Yes. Yes please. Please do explain, Matt." She's angrier now.

"I didn't have a choice. My dad has been in the game since he was a kid. He made my older brother join, same as me. It's just, Jack, my brother, he enjoys it more. He takes pride in it. I do not. I don't take pride in it. In fact I hate it. I-I fucking hate it but I don't know how to get out, Ana. I don't. I'm sorry I lied to you, I should have told you but telling you can turn into something so much worse than a simple explanation. You know that night you found me in the woods? That was because I was forced to go on a drug deal. During the drive we stopped at a gas station where everybody left the car. They went and stayed inside, I went to the bathroom and because it was outside I had to get a key from the cashier. We went back out there around the same time and the drugs were gone. It was immediately put on me. It was my fault they went missing. Fifty thousand dollars worth of drugs and it was taken from the car. They were going to make it a point out there that if I find that drug bag with the full amount in it, I pay it all back or I die. And then my fucking dad wants me to get rid of you somehow. Please don't let it scare you, I swear I will do nothing. I care about you, Ana. I won't let anyone hurt you. I- I wasn't expecting you to be out there that night and honestly as thankful as I was for you showing up, I really wish you wouldn't have. That guy wouldn't have shown up, you could have just tried to forget about me. I never wanted to bring you into this. I really didn't. The last thing I want is you in danger, especially because of me. I'm sorry. There's no excuse... I'm sorry, Ana. You want to take your frustration out on me? Do it. It's fine. I can handle it. Hit me, scream at me, do what you have to do."

I look out the windshield and for a moment I have to remind myself to blink. I unclench the steering wheel, not noticing my grip was so tight. I'm waiting for her to yell, I'm waiting for her to hit my arm, anything. I'm ready for the reaction.

"Hit you? Scream at you?" she questions, "take my frustration out on you? That's not- I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to take anything out on you I just- I'm worried. I couldn't ever do that to you. And I can't forget you. Are you crazy? Forget the first person to make me feel something happy again? Yeah right."

She doesn't seem to bat an eye at what I just told her. I look over at her as she stares out her window, making no eye contact. I can see the tears falling down her cheeks and all I want to do is wipe them away, give her a hug and tell her it'll be okay. Tell her I'm sorry. I'm honestly shocked at her response. I wasn't expecting something gentle, easy. I definitely wasn't expecting her to tell me I made her feel something happy. I find an empty parking lot and pull into it, park the car and turn off the headlights.

"You know you're beautiful," I whispered. I watch her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes look up and she's looking at me back. I watch a small smile sneak its way in. She turns and looks at me, I wipe the tears off her face, "you are. And I swear you are the sweetest person I know."

She stares into my eyes. God I feel like she's looking into my soul right now. "Why did you tell me to hit you? Who hits you?"

"What? No-no one. What makes you think that?"

She shakes her head like she's nervous and I immediately feel bad for lying. I just don't want it to push her away. God. I have problems. Self problems, family problems.. It's too much for anybody. It's too much for me.

"I just- I don't know... I get it," she keeps looking at her hands. She's picking at her fingers. Anxious. What should I do?

I shut my eyes and swallow hard, "okay- my dad. He's pretty bad. Me and Jack just fight a lot, normally because I won't do what he wants but- I mean-- yeah." I stop talking before making a bigger fool of myself. I'm borderline embarrassed. What girl wants to hear the boy she may or may not like gets beat up by his dad and brother? No girl. None. I can feel her eyes on me and the air feels so tight between us.

"I won't ever do that," she whispers while shaking her head, "never. I won't ever. I promise you." I feel her hand layover mine. She immediately pulls it back, almost like she didn't mean to actually do it. I reach back over and grab it. I stare at our hands, mine holding hers. I look back at her.

"I'm so sorry about all of this," I shake my head, "I-I can't imagine-"

"It's okay. It really isn't because of you. Nothing bad that's happened has had anything to do with you."

"I almost guarantee that kid at school-" I begin to say but she cuts me off.

"I will figure out how to handle it. If I have to be a bitch, I'll do it."

I start to laugh a bit, "my point is, you shouldn't have to do that though. You should not have to deal with it at all. I'll figure it out."

"And how? Are you gonna come back to school now?"

"Yeah. I will."

"What? Really." She's surprised but I can see the smile tugging at her lips.

"Yes. I'll be there on Monday."