Just the Beginning

56

ANA

It's been almost two weeks. Today my mom is laid to rest. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to watch this happen. I'm not ready to watch her be put in a hole in the ground and covered to where I'll never see her again.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to watch.

I stand in the mirror getting ready. I have a black dress on today, black heels. It's the only time I can think of that I hate the color.

I stare at myself. Look over me from the tallest hair all the way down.

What have I become?

What happened?

How did I get here?

"Hey you," Matt knocks interrupting my thoughts, "you almost ready?"

I nod, "yeah. Yeah we can go."

I grab my phone off the counter and walk right past him. He follows behind me. Chase's mom is home now, she has been for a couple of days. She hasn't said much to me, only apologized for what's happened. I'm sure that's the only reason I'm staying here, because she feels bad. I feel bad.

The only thing I truly want is to be around Matt. That's it. He makes me feel better, safer. Even though neither of us really are.

I walk out and get in the backseat of Jada's car. Matt is close behind me, getting in and sitting right next to me.

He intertwined our fingers, "you okay?"

I nod, "yeah. Yeah are you?"

"I'm alright."

I look over at him and he's staring right back at me. He smiles small and leans forward, kissing my forehead, "I love you."

"I love you," I rest my hand on his.

"Okay you ready?" Jada climbs in the front seat.

"As I'll ever be," I sigh.

She takes off. Chase is coming with us. I know he didn't know my mom but he knows Jada and Jada was like a second daughter to my mom.

God I wish my mom and Matt could have spent more time together. She would have loved him.

We pull into the parking lot of Kutis and step out. I stand outside the front doors staring through the glass.

"You okay?" he asks.

"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah I'm fine, come on." I open the set of doors and walk in. It smells old. The carpet is red but has a victorian style pattern on it that runs the entire length of the floor. It even runs up the walls about 3 or 4 feet.

We walk down the hall in silence and then I see her casket. I couldn't let it be open. Something about seeing my dead mother just turns me away. I went to open casket visitations as a kid and they never quite left me. I can't do that here. I don't want to see her, not like that. I had to ID her in the hospital, it was horrible and more than enough for me to make this decision.

I walk in the room, no one is here but us.

Guess that goes to show how much family we got.

I walked right up to her casket and set my hand on the top of it, "god mom. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for all of this."

Matt walks beside me and puts his hand on my shoulder before rubbing gently, "it'll be okay. I promise she isn't blaming you. She wouldn't want you to blame you." I can feel the tears trying to roll down my cheeks but I'm really just trying to hold it together. I don't want to cry, not here, not today. I know I know, I'm sure it's inevitable but I have to hold it back for as long as I can. The moment I allow it, I'll break. And that's not a sight anyone wants to see.

We stood around for a long time. Some people come and go. I got to meet some cousins today, an aunt and uncle. I never knew my mom had siblings. She always told me her family abandoned her at a young age, just left her to fend for herself.

I never grew up around a family. Even on my dad's side, he said he got into the hard shit and they dropped like flies. Didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

So I probably have people but I know no one and no one really seems to make an effort to know me.

The hours pass and before long it's time to go to the cemetery. We're the first car in a line that's only a few cars long. The car ride is quiet. I spend most of the time, if not all, staring out the window I sit beside. Matt keeps his hand on my leg the entirety of the ride. Rubbing his thumb back and forth. I admit, it helps being able to focus my thoughts on his finger moving back and forth, back and forth... I try to breathe to the rhythm I create in my own head... just to escape the world for a moment.

"Okay," he sighs, "We're here love."

I want to be sarcastic, tell him I have eyes that I can use to see but I know I can't. I guess I don't necessarily want to. None of this is his fault, it's just his family's fault. His brother. His father.

I want payback.

I want revenge.