𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒 𝐒.𝐉 & 𝐍.𝐑 ✔️

War in my mind - Scarlett X Daughter

Y/n pov

Everyday is a constant battle, my body and my heart being in a constant war about who gets to take control, a war about who is right and who is wrong, if you ask my heart I'm perfect, every bump and bruise is apart of me and my story, but if you ask my body, then my nose is crooked, my teeth are too yellow, my scars are ugly and my curves are too much.

It is a war about wether or not I'm going to walk around looking at my imperfections or my perfections, and if you ask anyone other than my body I'm pretty, I'm gorgeous, I'm perfect, I'm every girls dream come true. And sure, that might be what I am, but I'm not my dream come true, I should probably tell someone anyone about this, and I have, kind of, I've written it down, many times, letting both my heart and my body hold the pen, having a turn writing the words.
If you ask my body it's not just my body that's wrong, it's the things that people tell me that are wrong, unless they of course agree with my body.

The last time my mother told me she loved me I told her she was lying, so she hasn't done it since, I haven't done it either, I haven't really spoken with my mom at all, especially not about stuff like this, because my body convinces me it's lies, I somehow got convinced that my mom didn't really love me, which, to me heart is absolutely crazy, but to my mind it makes sense, if you ask my mind I am unlovable, I am unworthy of any kind of love, wether it's motherly or romantically.

I remember it perfectly, being able to just, walk around and be me, without having insults thrown after me every second of every minute of every hour of every day, and it is so exhausting having to live like this, but I do it, because I deserve it, I deserve this.

"Mom," O knock on the door to her office even though it's open, her fingers tap across the keyboard of her laptop as she raises her head to look at me.

"I wanna tell you something but if you don't have time that's okay," I bite my inner cheek, hard, and the taste of metal touches my tongue, I shift awkwardly against the doorframe waiting for her answer.

"Yes, give me a second," she smiles and looks back at her laptop screen. She closes it after a few seconds and walk over to me. She guides me onto the couch in there and we both sit down, I play with my fingers and start to pick at my cuticle.

"What's wrong?" She looks at me concerned and places a hand on mine.

"You love me right?" I can see that she is taken aback by my question and she thinks about it for a second.

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?" I don't believe her.

"How? How do you love me?" I question her actually curious about her answer. I don't think anybody has ever had to ask their mom this question but I need to know.

"I actually don't know how to answer that, I guess I just always have," she shrugs and look at me like actually concerned.

"How can you love something that I hate, because I actually hate myself, more than anything, we'll, my mind hates me, and I have so many things that I want to change about myself, like, like my thighs, make them thinner, and uh- my teeth are weird and my scars, god I hate my scars;" I ramble and begin pacing in front of the couch, her eyes following me every time I do a 180 and switch directions.

"Like, I know that, that you love me but I don't believe it for some reason, like you don't really love me, the only reason you do is because you have too, but then again my heart believes you and my heart belongs to you, but my body is telling me that you're lying, because I'm unlovable. Am I unlovable?" I add and question her at the same time.

She's crying, like she's crying, guess that isn't where I get the ugly crying from tho. "Why aren't you saying anything? Say something, mom!" I demand as her arms wrap around my cold stiff body, I don't deserve this, she should've just thrown me into my room.

She doesn't really love me, she's only saying it because it makes her feel bad about telling the truth and makes me feel better for some reason.

"Mom, say something," I mumble into her chest as she pulls away from me and wipe her tears.

"Do you remember the bracelet and necklace I got for my birthday when you were 6?" I nod "I lost the bracelet and I know you remember that, what I also remember is you moving heaven and earth to try and find it again and you did, you found it at your grandparents house after making Chris spend 4 hours driving you there. So no, you are not unlovable because your actions are what should prove your body wrong, your body is telling you that everything is wrong with you, but nothing is, nothing is wrong with you, in fact, it's the rest of the world that's the problem;" She tells and wipe the tear on my cheek.

"And if I remember correctly, I had that exact battle going on in my head when I was your age, and I still do, I would be lying if I said that my body doesn't sometimes win the battle, but something always wins over it in the end," She tells me, now I need to know what it is.

"What? What always wins?" I ask her soI could steal it and use it on myself, "you, you always won those battles, even when you weren't aware of it, which is why I understand, and I will always be right here, ready when you are," I sniff and hug her again this time actually crying.

" I-" I hesitate, "yeah?" She searches for the answer, "I love you mom,"

"I love you too darling, and the thing going on in your head, it's a battle, not a war, because battles are way easier to fight, and if it every comes back again
I will be right here,"

"You didn't deserve that, you're perfect mom," I attempt to comfort her, "see how easy it is for you to convince everyone else that but how hard it is for you? That's exactly the situation I were in, I love you,"