Meant to be

The Lonely Year - Mason

I watch her come into the living room space above the pub with a shy smile on her face, her pale blue eyes darting from mine to the floor, like we haven't been around each other for the last three months. She perches on the edge of the sofa, cautious, I know her enough to know there's something on her mind.

"India spit it out" I sigh, turning down the volume on the television. Shifting my whole body to her face, I take in her slightly tanned complexion, thick lashes, thick shaped eyebrows, curly tumbling brunette curls and dainty petite features. By every right, easy on the eyes, a very pretty woman. A sweet, innocent, sheltered woman who like me has been slighted and mistreated by her family. I like her, a lot, I think we're similar in the sense that more than anything we want and strive to be better than our families. I mean I thought I had it bad, but modern day forced marriage in exchange for money? Yeah she takes the cake when it comes to shit families.

But that's a whole other story.

Instead I place my focus back on her, she's trying to think of what I can only assume is a polite way to ask whatever is on her mind. She actually looks cute. I understand why Michel is head over heels for her.

"Callie's asleep, but erm, we were talking, she's very chatty"

"Bedtime reading isn't really necessary for her is it? She could talk herself to sleep" I laugh, proud of Callie for her ability to speak so well, frequently and so confidently.

"She's a cute little munchkin but she's starting to ask a lot of questions"

"Questions like?" I knew difficult questions would be coming one day, like why other kids have married parents, why other kids mum's were around more than her own.

"Why she can't be with you and Aunty Evie at the same time" she splutters, avoiding looking at me.

I constantly wrestle internally with myself over this, whether I was doing the right thing by sending Callie to see Evie every so often. I always hoped that Callie was too young to remember her life at the cottage so that these questions never cropped up. It's hard enough having my own memories plague and torment me without having to worry about Callie's memories too.

"Oh?" My voice comes strangled.

"Yeah" India says awkwardly.

I say nothing.

Staring straight ahead with my hands clasped, bent over like I'm in the prayer position.

"I didn't know how best to answer that when I don't even know what happened between you two" her voice is quiet, she's obviously curious, Evie's name and presence hung about the air like a ghost. Nobody really mentions her name around me or when they do, everyone turns to me, to see how I'll react. I'm not sure what they expect me to do, spontaneously combust?

Burst into tears?

It's not a surprise that India's picked up on the elephant in the room when it happens. I don't really know what India knows or how much or how little Michel told her.

"Excuse me" I mumble with haste, leaving the room walking to Callie's door I peer into her lime coloured room to see her sleeping soundly, clutching her turtle cuddly toy that she'd come back with after visiting Evie months ago. When I see how happy she is when Jodie brings her back from Evie's, skipping and proudly showing off her new hairstyle, I'm assured I did the right thing keeping them in contact. They love each other, I know that without being around them. I can provide so much for my daughter but I can't give her any maternal guidance or be that mother figure that Jodie's rescinded. The time that she spends with Evie is beneficial for her, or at least I'm seeing the benefits, but I wonder how long we can keep doing this,  shuttling her between us, we've been doing this long enough, for seventeen months.