"To thine own self be true" Yellowstone fanfiction

chapter 5 "mama tried"

I leaned on the doorway of lee's room watching him slumber. He was shirtless and bruised. He looked pale and sweaty. He was healing. But very slowly. I looked down at my arms that still held his dried blood. I patted the door frame as I stepped away. As I did so my father met me in the middle of the hall. We watched each other for a couple moments. "You gonna hit me again?" I questioned. He shook his head. My father rubbed his face in shamefulness bitterness. "...you know I didn't mean anything"

"I don't know anything remember? I'm just stupid. I'm a fuckin idiot?" I walked passed him entering his den. He huffed as he followed. "Twitty, honey.. I was scared. I was angry. There was so much going on" I looked at him as tears began to flow "Ive spent my whole life doing everything for you! I've never asked questions. I just kept a strong face! I give you all my trust! And what do I get? This! I saved lees life daddy! I spent all summer last year just preparing for a moment like this! For you! The least you can do is freaking trust me!" My father sat on his desk still rubbing his face. "I know baby I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. You're my rock! My everything! I owe it all to you" He said sadly. I watched him with an exhausted manner. He took notice to my exhaustion. "I'm so proud of the woman you've become Conway" he pulled me into his arms as I begin to sob in defeat. "why does the world keep testing me daddy? I'm a good person?" He stroked my hair "the world is a live being and us good people are just stepping stones. Connie" I hid my face in his chest as I took deep breaths to relax. "Hey...hey baby..you're alright" he rubbed my back as I sobbed. "I know what'll make you feel better darlin...wanna see something cool?" He asked. I looked up at him "what is it?" He cocked his head to the left "come on. Follow me" I followed my father out to the pasture. There I saw two calves suckling upon their mother. "They both made it?"
My father nodded with a smile. "Thanks to you baby" I watched the babies with love in my eyes. "...thank god.."
"Why thank god?"

"It made all that hell worth it"

"How come I didn't know you worked with the vet all summer?"

"Because I told you I was in community college" I smirked. My father looked at me "you didn't go to community college?"

"Fffffuck no! I hate school! I mean I technically went to school just not...to a school. Besides, you were too busy with work to notice" my father looked down "I'm sorry I made you grow up so fast...I should've been there more" I shrugged "we're all alive ain't we? Well..I don't know about Casey. I gave up on that boy" my father chuckled and sighed contently. "Really daddy. I don't think I would've been able to experience so much and love so many without you" my father looked at me with a soft face. He placed his hand on mine taht laid on the fence. "I ain't a lady daddy" I laughed loudly "you raised a loud, swearing, partying, crazy son of a bitch!" My father chuckled as he leaned his back on the fence facing the house. "Your mama wouldn've been so mad right now if she was here. Worried about me makin you a tom boy or a lesbian"

"Kinda why I'm glad she's passed on" I say as I sat on the fence. my father looked at me a little irritated "why?" He questioned. I shook my head "it's not anything. let's enjoy the night daddy?" He stood up straight. "But I wanna know why?" I sighed. "Why can't we just talk about somethin else?"

"Twitty I want to know"

"Why do you always gotta argue with me?"

My father sighed. "Alright fine. It's late. Should be gettin to bed anyways" he grumbled as he walked away. It's been like this for months. Every time we talk our conversation turns into arguing about my mom. So most of the time I don't bother with it. It hurts my heart more than anything. I watched my father drifted inside. As I do I noticed beth leaving the barn with a smirk on her face. "Beth!" I call as I cock my finger at her. She wandered in my direction. "What were you doing?"

"None of your business"

"Beth what did I say about messing around with boys?"

"I can do whatever I want!"

"No you can't beth! You're 13! Your gonna get pregnant or somethin!"

"Too late for that twitty!"
My eyes widened "what?" She crossed her arms like the bitch she was. "The fuck you mean too late beth!?"

"Don't worry about it! I already took care of it! Stay out of my business!!"

"No beth! What do you mean you took care of it!? What does that even mean!?" She stayed quiet looking away. "I ask you a fucking question!" She threw her arms up and dropping them down at her side "i aborted it! It's gone!" I stared at her. "How!? What do you mean!? Where!?"

"A clinic twitty! Are you stupid! Do you not know what an abortion is!?"

"What clinic beth!? There ain't no clinic round here like that!" She looked at me very confused. I stepped closer to her getting angry. "Who took you beth?" She looked away from me with shame. "Beth!" I snapped. She jumped slightly. "...Jamie...Jamie took me!" I scoffed as I stepped away from her. "Where is he?"
"In his room studying maybe" I shook my head as I walked backwards then running forcefully running upstairs. "Jamie!!?" I called. "Jamie! Where the fuck are you!?" I called through the halls as Jamie opened his bedroom door. "What is it twitty?" Before I could say a word I grabbed my young brother by the collar of his shirt. I backed him up onto the bedroom kicking the door closed with my foot. I slammed him against the closet door. "What did you do!?" He looked at me confused and scared "w.....what do you mean!?"

"You know what you fucking did Jamie! You know what you did to your baby sister!" He looked at me then hesitated to speak. "Why Jamie!? Why!?"

"She...sh..she wanted m...my help..I..it was...the..the best thing I..I thought"

"You piece of shit! You ruined her life!! She doesn't even know it yet!! You ruined every chance she could've had! How could you!?" I gripped his collar harder. He gulped. "she...she killed mama! She killed her! She...she deserved it" I smacked him. I smacked my 15 year old brother. He held his face holding back tears. I pointed my finger in his face "she didn't do any of that! You know it Jamie! It was a freak fuckin accident! She's only 13! How dare you Jamie! How fucking dare you!" I yelled at him. He got the point. He stumbled away from me as he sat on his bed. I watched him in disbelief. "You ruined that little girls life Jamie. You should've done the right thing and come to me!! You should've done the right fuckin thing!" I gulped down some tears I felt choking me. I left his room slamming the door. I thought I was doing a better job at rasing kids. I guess I was very wrong. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I don't know what I could've done to create such a living hell