"To thine own self be true" Yellowstone fanfiction

chapter 14 "should've been a cowboy"

1997

It was around 1am. I finally got Casey to fall asleep. He's been having nightmares since my mothers death. Horrifying nightmares, so bad he wakes up screaming. So putting him to sleep was a really hard mission. I was curled up on the couch by the fire reading another medical book. There was a storm outside. The wind was hard and aggressive. I could hear it creaking throughout the house. The sounds were muted as I heard loud music blaring through the vents from upstairs. I slammed the book down on the couch. "Fucking bitch" I mumbled as I climbed upstairs to Beth's room. I opened the door and the first thing I smell is booz. I watch her as she is dancing around with a cigarette in her hand and a bottle attached to her hip. I reach over to her sound system turning it off. She looked up as anger filled her face. "Fuck you! Turn it on!" She yelled. "Do you have any idea what time it is!?" I say as I stood beside the sound system. She grabbed the remote turning it on again but louder. "Mother fucker!" I yanked the system out of the wall. "are you fucking drinking!? Give me that!" I snatched a cigarette out of her hand angrily. "fuck you fat bitch! I can do what I want!" She slurred as she stood on her bed. "you're thirteen! You can't do whatever the fuck you want! Sit down and go to bed!" I threw the cigarette out of the window. "fuck you ugly bitch! You ain't my mom!" She wobbled and stared at me cross eyed. "Beth. Sit down. Go to bed you're drunk. Come on" I gently grabbed her arm to help her off the bed. My hand suddenly was sliced by a pocketknife she had hidden in her hand. I hissed in pain as I look at my hand "are you fucking nuts!?" I yelled quietly. "Get out of my room!" She screamed. I went to grab the knife from her but she tried to slice me again. "I'll fucking kill you! I ain't scared to kill you!" She yelled once again. "Beth! Casey is trying to sleep. Would you knock it off!?"
"Try and get it again cow!" She threw the knife around in her hand trying to look cool. I tried grabbing her wrists but suddenly she sliced my eyelid from my eyebrow down past my lower lid. "Fucker!" I yelped as I held my eye. "Don't fuck with me! I looked up at her with my bleeding eye. "you know what beth I didn't wanna hurt you" I grabbed her arm snapping it behind her. She yelped as she let go of the knife. I quickly kicked the knife out of the room into the hallway. I shoved her down onto the floor in the corner of her bedroom. I held her wrists Infront of her as she struggled. "Fuck you!! Fuck you! Fuck you!" She screamed. As she struggled against me but she began to give up. She started to sob. I watched her with sympathy. My face softens. My poor girl. I gently let go of her arms. She curled up a bit as she sobbed. "Hey...hey..come here baby" I pulled her holding her head against my chest as I pet her hair. She cried harder. She held her hands against her face. "Relax baby...relax...this is why thirteen year olds don't drink pumpkin..." She sniffled as she curled up In my arms. "I..I..didn't mean to.." she mumbled. I rubbed her back. "It ain't that big of a deal...just..do as I say next time.." I held her as she slowly fell asleep. As she did I picked up the scard 13 year old and laid her in her bed. I tucked her in and stroked her hair for a moment. I stared at her and wondered. I wondered why she hated me. What did I ever do to her. I never insulted her. I never hurt her in any way, nor did I think to hurt her physically or mentally. I stood up looking around her room. I grabbed 5 bottles of whiskey she stole from my father. I grabbed the bottles and a full back of cigarettes that sat on her dressed. I slowly shut the door behind me, as I did so I hear a small voice. "Twitty?" The voice sniffled. I sighed before turning around. "Another dream bubby?" Casey nodded as he wiped his nose. I placed the bottles on a side table that sat in the hallway. "Come on" I picked him up as I walked him into his bedroom. I swayed him gently. "Same dream?" I asked softly. He nodded and she sniffled sad sobs into the crook my my neck. I patted his butt as I swayed. "it's not real baby. It'll never be real. You're a cowboy remember? Cowboys don't get scared. If the cowboys get scared the cows will cry. Do you want the cows to cry?" I questioned as I soothingly swayed watching out his slightly cracked blinds in the window. He shook his head. "N..no" he mumbled tiredly as he shut his eyes after laying his head down. I began to hum him a song. 'should've been a cowboy' by Toby Keith. It's a song that meant dear to me. Instead of being what my father was planning on letting me be, I was stuck. I was stuck being a mother. All I ever wanted was to ride side by side with my father...but every chance I got my mother ruined. Only this time she ruined it for me for good. My father will never see me as anything else but a mother.
I gently laid Casey down on his bed pulling the blankets over him as he slept. I stroked his hair and kissed his head before walking out of the bedroom. I looked down the hall at my father stumbling in. I watched with concern. "Daddy?" I questioned quietly as I walked away from Casey's door. He looked up. "Oh hey twitty girl" he wobbled in his footsteps. He held his hand on my cheek. He was drunk. "You're drinking now daddy?" My father shook his head. "No baby nooo.. I just had a couple. I've had a rough three months" he slurred awfully bad. He stumbled his way into his bedroom as he slumped over his booz table. "Say, what happened to your eye" he questioned as he stopped to take a break from stumbling. "Scratch it in my sleep" I say as my father nods. "Ah". I watched my father as he struggled to get his jacket off. I gently pulled it off his shoulders. "You're my good baby girl. What would I do without you?" He murmured while he poured another glass of whiskey. "You'd be a drunk" I say. My father looks at me kind of insulted. I frowned heavily. "I.. I was just kidding daddy. It...it was a joke.." my father shook his head as he held the glass trying to make his way to the couch in his room. I grabbed his arm. "Hey daddy. How about we go to bed huh?" I directed his arm to the mattress. "No! Fuck twitty!! I'm the father I can do what I fuckin want!" He spit. I stepped back a bit. He was about to stumble into his fireplace when I quickly yanked him away from the lit fire. "Would you fuckoff! You fucking accident fuckin bitch" he mumbled as My father grabbed me by my shoulder then shoved me roughly and hard against the wall. He pushed me so hard that hurting the wall shook photos off the shelf. I stared up at him with fear in my eyes. I stayed back cowering to the wall. He looked over as he was spilling his whiskey to the floor. "Oh baby... I..I'm sorry. I'm just..not.. in a good place right now" my father reached down to pet my face. I flinched at his movements. I quickly looked down to the ground I didn't want to make eye contact. He swatted his hand. "Right! I'm a terrible fucking father!" He yelled about himself as he stumbled once again to his bed. he landed on the mattress nearly passing out instantly. I pulled myself from the wall. I looked around at the mess he made. Quietly I cleaned the whiskey off the floor, picked up any knocked over objects like lamps and bottles, I picked up the glass from picture frames that fell off the shelf then I cleaned up the mud tracks he brought in by the bottom of his boots. I then walk over taking what's left in his whiskey glass out of his hand. I take the last swing of whiskey then placed the glass on his side table. "My whiskey" my father mumbled in his sleep. "You drank it all daddy" I moved his head to face sideways, I then slipped his boots off placing them nicely on the floor. I laid a blanket over his body before walking out of the bedroom, as I did I grab the stolen whiskey bottle to put them back where they belong, along with the knife I knocked into the hallway. Finally I was able to take care of myself. I walk into the bathroom to stare at my eye that has left a scar 25 years later. I grabbed some super glue then simply glued my skin shut. It didn't need much medical attention as it was only a deep scratch. I looked up in the mirror as I lit one of Beth's stolen cigarettes. I glanced behind me in the mirror watching lee enter the bathroom. I sigh. "What is it now?" I questioned. "What going on?" Lee asked tiredly as he rubbed his eyes. "Nothing baby go back to bed" I say as I wash my hands keeping the cigarette in my mouth. "Okay" he mumbled as he went to leave. "Twitty?' he questioned once more. "Yeah lee what is it?" I call. "You're doing a great job" Iee says before he leaves completely. I look up at the doorway in the mirror, then I look back at myself. No I wasn't. I didn't feel like it anyways. Even to this day I've failed all these kids. I most definitely failed the child who told me I was doing a great job. Now because of me he's gone. All I've ever done was focus on everyone else before myself, the one time I focused on me...it got my brother killed....