"To thine own self be true" Yellowstone fanfiction

chapter 53 "starting over"

I clung to the toilet. Over and over I hurled. I threw up like it was my job. It came to the point where my stomach stayed in a cramp. It was more painful than a gunshot wound. I'd rather be shot four hundred times in the gut than to ever feel this way again. I was sweating so much I was shaking. Constantly shaking. My head is pounding like a train on its tracks. I was so weak and so malnourished my body couldn't handle this withdrawal. Just one pill. Just one pill I will feel a million times better. Just a glass of wine. Just one. Nothing crazy. Please for the love of God. Make my thoughts stop. Please. Make the pain stop. Make it all go away. Just take me now. Let me just die!

"Ma'am!? Ma'am!? Are you alright!?" A female voice yelled from outside the door. "Fuck" I mumbled as I rinsed my mouth out in the sink then slid open the plane bathroom door. "Yep. Sorry"

"You need to take your seat. We will be landing soon" she spoke with a annoyance in her voice. I shuffled past her as I sat down on my very expensive first class seat. I rubbed my face as I couldn't focus on anything. Not one thing. I couldn't sit still. I just want to move around freely. I felt trapped. Once we landed I quickly grabbed my shit, that included my dog. You really think I was going to leave without my dog. Irritated, I out of the building. There sat and old beat up pick-up truck waiting for me. I was told the keys were hidden in the wheel well. I felt each one then ya keep it off the metal. I started the rough start of the old truck. It took everything in me not to stop at every single bar that I saw. Did you know there are millions of bars on each street in Texas? I just wanted to find a hotel and lay in bed. Instead I drove far to the 6666 ranch. Hoping to find the man I was told to check up on. When arriving it was around 5:00. I clipped my keys to my belt then made my way to the men working in the pasture. What looks to me as vaccinations and castrations. With curiosity I scanned the men working around me. Some eyes stopped and gazed at my body. Some pigs whistled as other tipped their hats. I was confronted by a younger man with a stern face. "Can I help you miss?"

"Miss is for your mother. I'm looking for Jimmy"

"Who is looking for jimmy"

"Twitty dutton"
The boys face whimpered into amazement. I was confused. "Oh miss dutton. Nice to meet you. I'm tony. He's up at his bunk. He's finished for the day" he spoke sweetly. "Thank you Tony" I followed tonys directions. I found the sad little bunk that hardly has any windows. I knocked. And waited. And waited. And waited. I knocked again with no answer. "Jimmy!" I called out. The door unlocked and then opened. There stood a broad with no shirt on. She stood angrily gripping the door knob in her hand. "Can I help you!?" She growled. "Uh..is Jimmy here?"
"Who the hell wants to know!? You!? Who are you! Can't you see he's busy!"
I rolled my eyes. "Im sure he has you in a time crunch. So just tell me where he's at"

"I ain't no hooker if that's what you're hinting at! Jimmy is fuckin busy! Didn't you hear me the first time!?"

"Fine. If you see him tell him twitty Dutton came by to see him"
The young girls face dropped. She looked sicker than i did in that moment. "Dutton.." she spoke.
Suddenly a thud came from behind her. In the sound of a scuffle I saw Jimmy running to the door with his pants nearly on the ground, hanging on by just his hands. "twitty!!" Jimmy stumbled to the door with a huge smile. "The hell you doin here!" He looked a bit nervous as if he was in trouble. "I came to see you"
"Shit...I uh...well you came at a bad time"

I smirked slightly "go on. Get your rocks off. I'll see you later kid"

"Alright. I'll meet up with you later!" He seemed almost starstruck at the fact I had come to see him. Little did he know Im being forced to see him. Why though. I wondered. Why. What will me coming here do? What is me being here for a couple days going to do with my problems. So far I've felt like hell. My mind feels like it's going to explode. This is awful.
But like I promised I stuck around.

Jimmy walked me around the property. That is where I agreed to work with him for a couple days. Work my way through a sweat. Sweat out my demons. Work so hard my fingers will bleed. I've done that my whole life. Easy enough. "You wanna drink?" Jimmy questioned as we entered the rec room for the cowboys. "Just water"

"No whiskey for a dutton?" He smiled as he teased. "Nope. I'm sober. Well. Sobering up"

"Did you have a problem of something?" He questioned as we walked the grounds again. I hissed as I thought "eeeyup. Yup. Maybe a small one. Nothin extreme. Nothing crazy to the point where I could need a rehab"

"Booze?"

"Yeah. And pills"

Jimmy nodded his head as he listened "yeah I've been there a time or two" Jimmy kicked the ground as he sipped his soda. "You have?"

"Ah fuck yeah. That night, you and rip came to brand me.. I was high off
Of meth" he spoke. I looked at him genuinely curious. "Really?"

"Oh yeah! I was cooking it, selling it, doing it. All of the above" he cleared his throat. "But then I worked my ass off. Went through the withdrawals. Everything. Haven't looked back since. And honestly I feel amazing"
I looked down at my feet as we followed the dirt paths of the ranch. "How bad were the withdrawals?"

"Awful. Holy shit it was so bad. Made you want to do the drugs all over again"
I never noticed his pain. Or his struggles. I knew his criminal history, I just didn't know the stories behind closed doors. "Are you.. going through it?" He questioned a bit nervously as if I would be offended by his question. I gave him one single nod. "I just want a pill" I spoke. "Just a sip of booze that's all. Just one"

"It's never one and done twitty. Never. I can tell you're struggling. But you're doing great"

"Struggling is an understatement Jim" I sniffled as I leaned over the fence. "Wanna know what helped me get through?"

"Cigarettes. Loads and loads of cigarettes"

Jimmy chuckled "sweets" he held up his soda and shook the empty can. I wiped my cheeks quickly as I let out a small chuckle "better to be fat than dead"

"I'll tell you this now. You're strong as shit. Everything around you will be tempting... Just don't engage in the temptation. Trust me"

I dusted off my hands and then turned to him "well..Jimbo. Show me the ropes. Show me how it's done. Come on. Be my boss this time"

.....