"To thine own self be true" Yellowstone fanfiction

chapter 52 "zombie"

My body stood nude with nothing to me but the skinned fur of an elk around my shoulders. All I had to do was step in the circle, shut the circle then finally shut down my inner sanity. Parts of me thought this was all bullshit. I'd soon find out it wasn't. The fur slipped off my scared up shoulders. My aged body became exposed to the earth around me. It was the end of fall so the leaves were gone. They joined me in the circle by whipping against my skin in the freezing cold breeze. My body tensed up at the stinging cold wind. If my body cant handle this weather, these conditions and the pain I will endure with in four days, allow me to die as the weak warrier I am. The term warrier wasn't for me. I was a loser. No warrier. The tips on my fingers were already blue. To me that was a sign of weakness already. I had hours upon hours with myself. I had a chance to stare at my own being. My being was old. I was aged. I had wrinkles under my eyes, wrinkles along my no longer smiling lips. I don't smile anymore, I don't laugh. May the laugh lines in my old skin disappear. May the scars from the horror my body has taken on, disappear. May the scares in my brain from the murder and torture I was raised upon heal over time. In the back of my mind I deserved this torture. I do. I took lives, I ruined lives. Allow the earth of God take my body and allow what hell to happen to it. May hell be a reminder of my sins...if there is a hell.

"You're So fucking old dude!" A voice spoke beside me on the third day. I held my knees to my chest as nothing could be seen but my malnourished spine. "You've got wrinkles and shit. You're going grey"
My eyes went pale as I stared into the warm sunshine of lees eyes. I stared at him a bit terrified. "You haven't seen me in ages and this is how you great me?" I wanted to touch him. He looked so warm. "Lee" I spoke breathlessly. "You must think you fucked up huh ma?" He snicker as he used a stick to draw in the cold dirt. "I did..."

"Nah. Not as bad as you think"

"I killed you" I whispered. "No no. That Indian did. Not you. I was protecting you"

"I didn't deserve the protection"

"Wait wait wait!" He stood up as I could tell he was getting aggravated "you mean to tell me I died for no fuckin reason!?"

"I didn't say that. I meant...I didn't deserve the protection. Im supposed to die first Lee! Me!"

"I didn't want you to die twitty! You're my sister! Like my mother! You had potential!"

"Don't listen to him. No potential. Zero. Zip. Nada! I told you to back off" an evil voice interrupted Lee. Lee looked over at the voice then so did i. "I told you not to become a mother didn't I?" My mother stood in a white gown with blood pouring from her nose. "now look at you. You're a drunk. A druggie! You're so skinny and frail. Lord you had one job."

"I'm still not skinny enough ma?"

"You're past skinny. It's just gross now. You wonder why that boy did what he did to you."

"What do you want from me? You're dead!"

"Am I? I don't look dead right now. You fucked up twitty. I knew I should've thrown you away like you did your own child"

"You shut your mouth! Shut it! Shut your mouth! You were the worst mother there ever was!"

"Was I twitty!? I never let my child die! And over what!? A man! A man who was using you to get to your father!? You think he cared!? No one cares. Not me. Not your father. No one. That river should've took you out. That man should've raped you more and should've shot you in the head you-"

"Fuck you!!" I screamed so loud the earth began to shake. My eyes were crying so hard my eyelashes frosted over. My mother disappeared as did my brother. I stared at the frost on my lashes. I could feel my skin going hard. The frost bite was taking over. I think I was losing this war. I was shaking so bad. The coldness of my body made my mind forget about the hunger that clenched my gut.. That until I felt warmth beside me. God it felt so good. It was so numbing. The pain was relieving. "What did I say about not having a coat on when you play outside?"

I was holding myself shaking so bad as I held the fur against my nudity. There sat my grandfather drinking some coffee from a mug. "Papa" I spoke weakly. "You're doing great babygirl. Keep going. Don't fall asleep now"

"Fall asleep?"

"That daughter of yours is just beautiful. She's perfect in every way. She looks just like you. Maybe more like her father but her personality is all you" he chuckled as he sat back in his recliner in the middle of the field I was positioned in. "She's gonna grow up to be a fine woman. Just like you twitty" his smile was so warm I couldn't stop staring at him. "I miss you so much pop"
"I know you do sweet pea. I know that. I know you think life is over but...this is just the begining. I need you to stay here. With your father. I can't watch my home go down in flames. I can't watch what my grandfather worked for go down in history"

"Ill take care of it papa. I promise. I promise!"

"I know you promise. I know you'll do a good job. If you do that for me I'll do you a solid too..."

I cocked my head at his words "whats that?"

"Mama!!" She smiled wide. She had no scars on her body. Not scratch. My eyes couldn't believe what I was seeing. My little girl. My seven year old. Her dark hair and blue eyes glisson into the snow falling down. "Hi mama. Papa got me a doll. She looks just like you" she giggled as she curled up in my grandfather's lap while stroking the hair of her doll. "Mommy is so sorry baby" I gasped through my tears as I crawled to the edge of my ritual circle. "It's okay mama. I like it here" she spoke. "Although I miss daddy" she pouted. I sobbed harder as he small smile faded. "I wish I could take back everything baby. I wish I could change it all!"

"Well you can't!" She stomped as she threw her things to the ground. "You can't change anything! So stop thinking you can! You're making me sad!"

"I'm...sorry baby"

"Stop! It!" She screamed. "Stop it! Stop it!!" She began to throw things at me. I watched her in horror as her sweet pink PJs turned bloody and muddy. Her hair thinned out as her eyes went dark. "Stop it mommy!!! Stop it!!" The clouds above us rumbled as lightning struck. Her nose oozed blood as she screamed at me "help me mama! Help me!!" She screamed louder and louder. "Please! Come help me!!" I couldn't leave the circle. I knew I couldn't. But she needed help. She needed me. "Mama!" She screamed one last time before her screaming stopped from a single bullet to her skull. I myself screamed out in tears. I reached out for her small body as it hit the ground."Jenny!!!" I yelled. I screamed my tears into the grass as I repeatedly hit the ground. I couldn't do anything to save her once again. I couldn't bare looking at her lifeless body again. I cried so hard and for so long my wet skin was frozen. "That's right. Wake up now. It's your time" a voice whispered. I looked up from my ball of warmth. There stood a woman in blue. She had no face. Just skin. She stepped to an area allowing me to release myself from the circle. I lifted he ribbon that kept me enclosed. I took one step out. The woman turned into a wolf with long wired haired. I followed the creature. The creature stood at the end of a cliff. It told me to stand. So I did. My toes sat at the edge, just like the other night. "What you see. Is what you choose" she whispered. I stared out into the fogg. I saw nothing. "Huh"
"Keep. Reaching" she spoke gently. There it was. Two of them. Both of them. "Choose. One" she spoke once more. I couldn't pick one. My eyes couldn't look any longer. It was too horrific. I began to cry. "No tears. Pick!" She shouted. I stared back deep into the choices. I found my path, I chose my path. For the love of God why. Why must this be it. "It has chosen you. Life will carry you now" she spoke as her body vanished. "You're the light"

"You've chosen the light"

.....