"To thine own self be true" Yellowstone fanfiction

57 "where rainbows never die"

2000

"Travis stop" I giggled as I squeezed his fingers in my palm. "If you think that's hurting me try again doll face" Travis snickered as he attempted to tickle the pit of my knees under the blanket we were wrapped up in.  Annoyed I smacked him in the head with the heavy medical book I had grasped in my fingers. I snuggled my way into his arms as we sat on the sofa in my fathers house. "Let me see that" he spoke as he snatched my book. "Trav stop. Give it back would you!" I groaned as he held it far away from me. "What's this?" He snickers as he opened the back of the book. There sat a bunch of pictures taped to the back like a shrine. "The hell is this?"

"It's nothing.."

"It's something" Travis cackled. "I did that when I was 17! It was my life goals"

"Life goals?"

"Yeah... once I become a doctor that is what I'm gonna look back on. Hopefully when I look back at my old books I will see I own everything on that page!" I smirked. "A horse? You got a horse"

"No a horse of my own. One I bred myself "

"Hmm a dog?"

"A border collie. Use your eyes" I smirked against his cheek as I stroked his hair back. "A car?"

"A 1965 Shelby cobra. Baby blue" I giggled into the crook of his neck. "You're a dreamer twitty" he patted my thigh as he shut the book. "What you don't think I can do it?" His hands gripped the back of my thigh as he focused on my face. "I don't think you can't. I know you can" with passion he kissed me deeply. Gracefully I slid myself onto his lap. He pushed his hands up the side of my shirt rubbing against my skin. Teasingly I grinned against him as he nibbled my lip as we kissed. His kissing was rough but that's how my young self liked it. "Twitty" a husky voice spoke from behind us. I jumped "daddy!" I moved off of Travis as I innocently crossed my legs on the couch. "I need you for a moment" my father sighed. My fathers face was pale. Almost sick looking. "Okay. What is it daddy?" I got up quickly to follow my father. My father led me outside to the porch. There sat Casey wiping tears away from his cheeks along with lee comforting him. "What's going on?" I questioned. My father waved me on as he walked me though the field to reach two horses. "It's time you said your goodbyes" my father said tiredly. I frowned heavily. "But..he..he was doing..so..good"

"The cancer is taking him baby.. nothing more we can do. Now come on. He's asking for you" after a couple minutes of a trip my father stopped at a very large opening in the woods. There sat my grandfather huddled up with his walking cane staring out into the huge open mountain that we call the Yellowstone ranch. I peeled myself down off my horse before stepping over to him quietly. "Oh...peanut.. come here honey" my papa whispered. Gently I kneeled in front of him placing my hands on his hands. "Look at you...how you've grown... how wonderfully you've grown up to be...no matter who..or what put you down in life you still got back up didn't you baby?" He mumbled in his old raspy tone. I gave him a singular nod "I guess so papa" my grandfather kissed my head as he spoke "you raised them kids real well. For not having a good mama of your own you're still a wonderful mother" he rubbed my cheek soothingly as I listened to him. "I need you to keep an eye on your daddy...keep track of him...allow him to rest once in awhile...when he's gone...you're next in line...don't you ever allow anyone to take a single piece of this land you understand me" at the time that moment seemed so far away. Now it's reality. I nodded my head "of course papa...of course"

"Now turn around baby. Take a look at what you've helped build. Look at it" gently I laid my head on his knee as I watched birds shoot across the sky. The horizon was visible. Not a cloud in sight. It was beautiful. My father sat next to my grandfather as he held his hand. "This is your land now. Take care of it with pride you understand me?"  His other hand stroked my widows peak as he spoke. I could tell it was his time.

"Yes sir" my father responded sweetly. "Good" papa whispered. "Good" suddenly papas hand stopped stroking my hair. I could feel his spirit leave us in that moment. I heard my father sniffle as papa leaned on him like an old friend. I didn't cry. I stayed strong. I stayed stiff and strong so my father felt alright to cry. I didn't acknowledge my fathers tears. I didn't speak. I stood up to kiss my grandfathers head one more time. I remember leading my fathers horse with my grandfathers body on it. Gently that horse carried him to his final resting spot. There I helped my father dig a six foot hole for the next two hours. Gently we laid him down. We laid him down with a few flowers and love notes on top of his dirt pile. I looked up at my father who held back many emotions like any man would. "You're a good kid Conway. A real good kid" my father pulled me into his arms as he kissed my head and held his lips there. "Real good" he whispered. I knew this was all he needed. He just needed to embrace someone. He just needed someone to comfort him in his time of need my mother would've been that person. "Why don't you go back up to house..check on the kids would you?" My father requested. I nodded my head. "Okay daddy" I understood he needed time alone. As I walked my horse back I wiped two simple tears from my eyes. I felt I was too strong to cry. I wouldn't allow myself to cry. "Twitty!" Casey cried. "Twitty is he gone!?" Casey's innocent self stood on the porch with tears flowing from his eyes. I frowned for him as I met him at the top. I hugged him in my arms then kissed his head. "Yeah bubby..papas in a better place now.  He's not in pain anymore" I laid my cheek on the top of his head where he sobbed. "He's in a better place"

"Heaven?"

"Maybe..or maybe he is..that bird over there..or a new bud on a flower in that pot over there..or maybe he's the next buck you see in the woods when you go out to play. Who knows. Maybe he's just living around us freely. He's just a spirit. No matter what he's with you" I whispered softly into the upset 10 year olds ear. "...okay twitty..I understand now" he sniffled. "Go on honey. Go on and wash up for supper. Daddy ain't joining us tonight" Casey nodded before shuffling his way inside.  "Your boyfriend left" lee spoke as he nawed on a tooth pick. He swung his legs as he swung the porch swing. "Did he?"

"Yeah. Told me to tell you that he had to go. He said he had to pack for a trip"
I rolled my eyes. Of course he did. "Thanks" I sighed before going inside to make supper. Inside of myself, I was hurting a lot. My grandfather acted as both of my parents at one point. When I got older so did he. I began putting him to bed, making his suppers, changing his clothes for his painful body. He loved me. I loved him even more. that love never left. I no longer had someone here to defend my name like you used to. My heart was broken. I just wanted him back. Although I didn't cry and I stayed strong. I stayed strong for my father and my younger siblings, who needed to support the most. I thought my life was going to end once my grandfather passed away. I thought the way he died, was solid proof that god didn't exist. He died slow and painfully. No man would ever allow another man on this planet to die in such a way. I always told myself that there was no god. Because why would such things happen? But then, throughout my life, I slowly began to realize why we were put in so much pain. God is here to teach us how to deal with pain. To deal with horror. He paved the way for our existence to be humane. Imagine a life with zero pain. Zero lessons to learn. Imagine a perfect life where there's no tears no sorrow no hatred, no judging, no nothing. What kind of life for that lead us to. The reason God throws pain and torture our way is for us to learn from it, and grow from it, and become more powerful than any other. So is god real or are we the god. Are we each our own God? Or is God just a figure that is made up. I personally think we're all figments. We're all individuals that live on the spinning, oblate sphere. We have control of our own minds in our own weaknesses. There is no god. Or is there a God? To me it didn't matter. I had boos and alcohol to cure my demons...