Diamond: The Promise

Chapter 20 "Half of me has disappeared"

~Iria~

22/3/24

Have you ever felt like time hunts you?

As if since the second your brain is aware that you had woken up until the last thought that crosses your mind before sleeping your time is being analyzed, counted but many times stolen.

There's a chronometer, one that starts when you open your eyes in the morning and stops when you get in bed at night. During the day every second counts, you can use them or you can lose them, lose your time. Have you ever felt like time press you? I do. My chronometer is broken, there's something wrong with my mind that changes time for me.

A timer, that's how I feel that time hits me, remembering me since my first thought in the morning to the last that my time is running out. I feel pressed, I feel like I'm losing time and I feel like I want to pause that timer to take a deep breath but I can't, that's the feeling that I have during the whole day.

Is similar to when you need to breath, when you are underwater and your lungs beg you to go out to the surface and fill your body with air again, is the feeling of those seconds in which you are going up to the surface, when you are still underwater but know that soon you will take a deep breath... Instead that I don't search the surface, I can't pause the timer that would allow me to end the race and take my head from underwater and breath.

That familiar feeling took over me once again when I woke up from the nap I took when I arrived home back from school. I didn't know what was the hour but I didn't care, neither did I care about the darkness in which I found myself, I didn't plan to move.

The bed sunk next to me, it didn't startle me, living with Ethan I was used to sudden movements.

I wasn't aware if Ethan knew I was awake. Maybe I shouldn't have laid on his bed, less taking a nap in his room but my mind had too internalized that my room was there to lock myself and cry while his was there to sleep.

I found peace in the sheets that smelled like his company, mine just like loneliness.

Ethan cuddled next to me, he didn't touch me but I had the feeling he looked at me.

"What am I going to do with you?" I heard him whispering.

I held back a tear that my fragile emotional stability wanted to let out before turning to him.

If he wanted to relate on the disaster I was he should at least tell it to my face.

Ethan's red eyes caught me off guard, they shone brighter as mine used to, still they were two huge red spheres that stared deeply into me.

Ethan was one of those people who had an intense gaze.

"It's Friday night, you took a three hours nap and you haven't eat anything but half a bowl of cereal and an apple."

Ethan's voice sounded calm, he just spoke facts looking at me, I looked down instead, to my belly.

"I think you give too much importance to what I eat." I let out looking up.

A sour and shot laugh escaped Ethan's mouth, his way of looking at me changed, there was disdain in his gaze.

"It's unbelievable that after losing your period and your power you still think that eating is an unimportant nonsense."

I shrugged, my issue with the food didn't come from an obsession with my weight, it wasn't like I didn't eat for fear of gaining weight... I just wasn't hungry.

I had no strength... I couldn't just eat until I burst and put on my best smile as if nothing had happened.

I couldn't pretend I was okay, I didn't want to.