An Unfortunate Mix-Up ✔️

Chapter 37: Jay's Uncertainty

Jay makes his way up to the series of familiar steps, actually surprised he could just buzz himself in with the palm scanner. It was a nice feeling to be back in the realm of what he knew - almost thankful. 

He was glad that the others were not in the office today, not wanting to face their questions and reactions to him quite yet. It was one step at a time, and this was perhaps the biggest of those. After all, he didn't get a passing grade out of this office, he knew his potential future - if that's what remained - would be right out the window.

He takes a deep breath, knocking on the door as he catches the boss' attention. He knew he'd be there, having sent a text message prior to making the drive over from his place to the district. It was just hopes of the conversation going smoothly.

"Come in, shut the door behind you," Hank instructs, which was pretty much par for the course if you asked Jay based on the several years of experience within these walls. Hank liked to keep his conversations private, and you never knew who may be lurking in the halls listening.

"Did you guys find the bastard?" Jay questions, having heard details of the latest case they had been investigating courtesy of Hailey. He was glad that she kept him in the loop, knowing that would help should things fall into place. 

"Was there ever any doubt?" Jay shakes his head no with a smile, knowing Hank always found and got his target - one way or another. You may question his methods sometimes, but he wasn't about to let someone walk for doing something stupid. "What about you? How are you doing?"

"A lot better than I was..." Jay lets out a sigh, as talking about himself was probably the thing he enjoyed doing the least. He'd rather be buried deep in work focused on a case, or helping someone else with how they were doing. The question was reasonable, though, for several factors. Someone who was injured and had other stuff going on would not be capable of taking in the role within the unit that he held. It'd also been four weeks since he was sitting in that basement. "Will finally told Hailey that I don't need anymore of the cream on the burns as the skin is healed as much as it will be. There will be pain here and there, but it'll get better as new skin forms over the next couple months. Bruises are gone. My wrist is back to bending as normal." 

"Hmmm..." Hank understood the words that were being said, but he also knew what Jay could be like if he was determined. He knew of times in the past where he'd masked the pain to get what he wanted within the unit. It was why he was studying each word used, along with every bit of body language that followed. "How about those nerve pains? I know they were the worst when you were in the hospital." 

"I can't lie to you, okay? They are still there. They are not as bad. They are not as often. They are not as debilitating as they were. It just feels like someone is reaching in, pinching my back for a couple seconds - and then it's gone. I get at least a couple shots a day. Connor thought they'd be healed by now based on the original tests, but he found a couple nerves that were severed so as they heal, the pains remain." Hank nods his head, surprised by the revelation of honesty he was being delivered right now. "It doesn't stop me from doing things day-to-day, and it wouldn't stop me from doing my job. It's not that bad, boss." 

"So what are you trying to tell me? Do you want your job back here?" Jay nods his head slowly, knowing that was the main reason he had set up this conversation to begin with. They could talk as friends whenever and certainly everywhere but here. This was where those business discussions were to be had, though. "What about what you told me in wanting to get away, get back to knowing right and wrong, traveling overseas?" 

"At the time, I believed it was the right decision because my thoughts were so clouded by everything going on - and decisions I wasn't making right in my mind." Jay takes a deep breath, knowing the decision to leave wasn't easy, but he also knew the trail of events that led to it. There was then the flip side, which affected everything since returning home. "But I know having gone there, done what I did, it wasn't where I neede-"

"PTSD? Nightmares? Flashbacks? I am going to guess returning there triggered everything once again that you worked so hard to overcome...." Jay nods his head slowly, with a sigh. It was something he hated to admit, but couldn't run away from it considering he was waking up in a cold sweat multiple times each week. The screams he had that first night in the hospital were just the beginning of what he had been enduring. 

"I can't handle it anymore. I was strong before, but I can't do it..." He then takes a deep breath as the same image returns back to his mind again - blond hair, blue eyes, pink backpack, purple t-shirt. "I keep seeing the eight year old girl that died trapped. I keep seeing the 10 year old that died due to a stray bullet. I keep seeing the family that was tore apart because my boss thought their father was going to blow us up." 

"Have you told anyone about this, besides me right now?" Jay nods his head, another deep breath taken in as he does so as the reminders of those conversations flashed through his mind once again. 

"I talked to Mouse. He gets it because he was there, he knows the feelings, he knows everything. I talked to Hailey a little because she's the one being woken by my screams some nights. I talked to Will because he's my brother, he gets me. I've also talked to Jocelyn. Is it getting better? Sure. Is it still a complete utter disaster at times that bothers me more than I want to admit? Absolutely." He hated to admit that last bit, but he hoped Hank would understand the honesty, combined with their long standing relationship and see through it for his sake. After all, if this didn't go to plan, he wasn't sure what the future would hold.

"Do you remember when I told you that you would run this unit one day?" Jay nods his head, knowing that came on uncertain terms when nobody was certain in the unit if a couple things were going to work out, and a lot of skeptical things were going on. "I meant those words, Jay. I trust you more than I trust a lot of people here. That's why there's always a spot for you in Intelligence whenever you want it."