Fools

Part 37

later that week, cate's p.o.v;

I just wrapped up my last class for the day, I took a deep breath as I sat down on the hill to wait for Lilah. It's been a little weird between us these last couple of weeks because I haven't really talked to Joe but I know Lilah's still continuing to talk to him. It's not a problem, trust me. I partially just think it's a little odd how close they've been getting but the only reason it's awkward between me and her is because she thinks I do have a problem with it. We haven't actually sat down and talked about it, or really the whole facebook thing. It was just something I did, that she went along with. So I'm just not sure where everything stands as of now and it kind of makes me feel a little uneasy. I don't really know how I'm feeling and I don't really want to tell her but I feel like I should. Lately I've just been kind of wanting to be alone, I know Lilah and I hooked up back home and we're basically dating without the label but after everything that's happened, maybe I should just be by myself for a while. But I don't want to hurt her feelings or go back on my word. It could just be a phase which is one of the main reasons I don't really want to say anything, I'm just kind of down. But it's also been racing in my mind, like if Lilah and I do 'break up', would she go and either just spend more time with Joe, or would they eventually end up having feelings for each other? Ugh, I've just been so sick to my stomach. The only person I can think of to talk to is Caspar. I don't want to bother Zoe with this, she's too busy doing her things for her wedding and it's a special time for her, I'm not going to come to her with this, this time. I decided to text Caspar before Lilah shows up.

to; casp(:
'hey, i just wanted to text you. i just really need you rn, i'm feeling in a funk :( sorry i know you're probably busy.'

he responded right away actually, I sighed with relief.

from; casp(:
'you know i'm never too busy for you, what's goin on?'

response to caspar;
'dudee like idek. i couldn't even tell you really. i've just been feeling so weird since we left. lilah's been talking to joe a lot recently, and with me like it doesn't bother me but the thing is, i've been feeling like maybe lilah and i should take a break from whatever we are so i can just mentally process what's been going on these last couple of weeks. just be alone. but i don't want to hurt her feelings or push her into the arms of someone else..you know who that'd be.'

'jesus. i mean, i knew they were talking more, he mentioned it before i went out of town. that like they were okay now. i know he wishes more was coming from you though, he said that too. but um, i mean i can't see them dating honestly tho bug. so you should just tell her how you feel. i'm sure if she cares about you as much as she says and puts out, she'll understand. it's not like it's deeper than just feelings right?'

'yeahh..that's what i forgot to tell you. we hooked up when we we're home. that's why i'm so scared to see her reaction cause idek how she's totally feeling about, us. but you sure? i just don't fully trust joe..is that bad? like i know he wouldn't do it maliciously to try to get with her, but it's not like they can help how they feel if it comes down to it. sounds so familiar, i know. that's why i'm so worried. and i would love to reach out to him, i just haven't found the right things to say yet. we didn't exactly leave on a total friend basis.'

'shit cate. was it like a quick hookup or was it like 'more' than a hookup? i know you know the difference..'

'ughh. yes. it was just. i can't even get into that right now. but do you see why i'm scared shitless? i'm gonna hurt her, ik i am. she is the one i want to be with, just not right now. but i don't want her with joe either.'

'cate, i don't really know what to say. regardless, you're probably going to hurt her feelings yes, i can tell you that. i mean you'd be hurt if it was the other way around so that's inevitable. but like before you say anything about that, bring up to her first how you feel about the whole thing with joe. i'm sure she'll understand. gotta go, love you.'

I didn't bother to reply since I knew he couldn't respond back yet. I closed my phone and sat for a second, I turned my head and saw Lilah walking up the hill. My stomach started getting tight again, so many thoughts are in running around in my head right now trying to figure out how I'm going to put all of this together in the best way possible for both of us.

"Hi love," Lilah said and kissed me on my forehead before sitting down. "How are you feeling? Stomach still hurting?" Me remembering I told her this morning my stomach was hurting, shit.
"Yeah, it just started again.." I said softly. "But I'm okay, you?"
"Why's it been hurting?"
"A lot of things."
"Hm," She paused. "Well okay, uh yeah I'm good." She smiled slightly.
"Have you talked to anyone from back home recently?" I asked. Ugh.
"Yeah actually, you?" She didn't say who..but lol I know.
"Just my brother, Zoe's been busy with you know, so yeah."
"Nice, nice." She smiled a little again, she started eating her lunch. Why wasn't she saying anything else about it? My god, is it already starting?? I don't want to say anything but I feel like I should... I started eating my lunch too, maybe it'll help my stomach feel better? I don't know but I'm hopeful. It was quiet for a good 5 almost 10 minutes, felt like an awkward setting. I decided to ask.
"So..I just wanted to talk to you." She turned her head and nodded. "First let me just ask, and I don't want this to come off as rude in a way so please don't take it that way. But how are you feeling about Joe?" I asked, she looked down then back up at me.
"We're friends Cate, why?"
"I'm just wondering.."
"Yeah, I mean we talk almost everyday since we've left just to check in on each other, but we're friends. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to make sure that like you're not you know, catching feelings I should say?" She gave me a dumb look.
"No Cate." She answered shortly.
"Okay."
"Why?"
"Why what?" I asked, I'm confused.
"Nothing." She said.
"Okay..well that brings me to my next thing." Goodness, I feel like I'm going to throw up all the food I've just ate. "Um, since we got back, just with everything that's been going on, I just feel like."
"You don't want to continue this anymore?" I looked at her and frowned.
"No, it's not like I'm done with us, I want to be with you but I just feel like I need to take time for myself and process everything that's happened. I'm not doing 100% mentally and I don't want to bring you along for any of this."
"Okay." She started packing up her stuff.
"Where are you going?"
"To my dorm." She got up from the ground and grabbed her things.
"Wait. Why? I don't want you to leave, I just couldn't not tell you." She nodded. "I also just wasn't finished Lilah, are you going to see other people if we take a break?"
"No, Cate like what do you think this is? Do you really think there's just someone waiting on the side or something? Like please."
"No I don't. I'm just worried that maybe since you and Joe are getting so close, you'll grow to like him if you and I aren't seeing each other."
"Cate. This is the thing okay? Joe and I are friends. You and I aren't exactly together, I could've been trying to see someone officially but I haven't and you think out of all people it'd be him? Like sure, I'm going to let you take as much time as you need but in the end just don't expect me to wait around for months and months at a time and think I won't move on. I'm interested in you and only you, but who knows what could happen if we aren't together. But don't think for a second, I'd go and date your ex because you shut me down. It's just not logical. I really thought you knew me better than that."
"Lilah I-"
"Just forget it, seriously okay? It's okay, I'm okay, you're okay. I'll just talk to you soon okay? See you later." She grabbed the rest of her things and started walking down the hill towards her building. I sighed and was holding back so many tears. Fuck, like is this really what I wanted? And now that it's out in the open, I can't change it. Ughhh.

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