Fools

Part 44

the car ride back home, cate's pov;

I had my window on the passenger side rolled down, letting the sun and wind hit my face, I closed my eyes to take it all in. We only just started driving, leaving an hour and 45 minutes left of the drive, Caspar put us on the longest way which I appreciated. It just felt so good to get away from Uni, knowing that it isn't a holiday, I can actually stay for a while and finish my courses from home. I don't know why I never thought of it sooner, I guess I just really wanted the experience of University. But after almost 3 years, I owe it to myself to finish regardless of what's been going on, it's going to take a lot of work and dedication because I need to stay focused, my biggest issue I can see for now, is getting my mind off of what's going on in the first place.

"So when are you going to tell me why you wanted to come home?" Well that thought didn't last long as Caspar asked me.
"I already told you Casp."
"No I know, I mean the detailed version, the real reason you decided to come home when you only had a little bit to go."
"It's a long story."
"It's a long drive." I playfully shoved him knowing he was right but I just ugh, I really don't want to talk about it right now.
"Do I really have to tell you?"
"Yes Cate, I drove two hours here to come get you and now 2 hours back, you don't think I deserve the reason why?"
"You do, I just want to forget about it right now. I just want to relax, eventually I'll tell you okay?"
"Alright fine, I'll ask you again when we have about 40 minutes left, that way you can relax but I'll still get to know." We both laughed.
"That's fine I guess." I rolled my eyes and smirked. "So how's everyone at home though?"
"Good, yeah. Ollie's actually in Italy at the moment."
"What? No way!"
"He is," He laughed a little. "He's on a trip with his family, he just left yesterday and they usually stay for a while, maybe a month or so?"
"That's crazy cool." He nodded.
"Joe isn't home either, he's in rehab."
"Oh shit yeah?"
"Yeah. It took a bit for him to go, he was doing counseling from home for a little but it wasn't helping like he needed so he decided to go."
"Wow, well good for him, I hope it works out and he's happy there."
"From what it sounds like he is, he's doing a lot better and he's in such a better mindset."
"That's great Casp. So it'll just be us at the house?"
"Yep for a while. Joe probably won't be coming home for a few weeks either so it'll be us for a good while." I smiled.
"Awesome, it'll be just like old times huh?" I asked jokingly.
"Oh it sure will sport." He nudged me and we both laughed.

After we continued talking for a little while, I had closed my eyes and fallen asleep. I'm real excited about being home with Caspar for a while, I really just need my brother right now and I'm glad no one else is there. I love them, but I can't handle all that commotion. Hearing about how good Joe is doing is so wonderful, it really makes me happy to know he's doing good since I haven't talked to him since I left. Almost makes me feel more fucking selfish like Sydney said if I was to try to get back together with Joe. See, like I'm just a shit person. I would just bring him down back to where he was if I did that but I'm so scared of being alone. And it would make me feel like I'm just using him to cope because I just know he'd take me back if I asked. I don't know what to do, I'm so stuck.

"40 minutes left." Caspar nudged me awake and said, I opened my eyes and looked around to see us still on the highway. I laughed cause was he really waiting for me to still tell him?
"Oh alright fine dude, if you insist, I'll tell you." He looked at me and cheesed hard. "You're such a dork."
"Go ahead, I'm waiting."
"Okay, okay. So after the whole thing with texting you back and forth about me putting a break on with Lilah and I, I did. I still tried though, like talking to her everyday, sending her just nice messages cause I knew I hurt her feelings and she just wasn't reciprocating anything back. Then one night Sydney and I went to a party with her boyfriend Ethan."
"And Lilah was there?"
"Yes, she was. She was with some guy and his friends, they were having so much fun I could tell. At one point Lilah was actually talking to Sydney but she left once I came back over. I just kept feeling like I had to talk to her while she was actually in front of me. I kept seeing her smile and laugh with that guy and I got so jealous, so I went to pull her aside and see if she'd talk to me." I saw Caspar roll his eyes, I shoved him and he smiled. "So anyways, I did, and we went upstairs to talk. I basically told her that I didn't want the break anymore and that I missed her, she didn't take it very well cause she knew I only pulled her because she was there with someone else." He nodded. "She went off on me and I was trying to talk and I just couldn't, I had taken a couple shots before we talked so during it I got so overwhelmed that I threw up. Lilah left after that and I didn't see her for the end of the night. I woke up the next morning at a different house, it was Ethan's frat house that he brought us too cause Sydney and I got black out drunk after that."
"Jesus. Okay. Go on."
"So a couple days pass and each day I just kept trying to talk to Lilah but she wasn't having it, each conversation turned into an arguement. Then just today she met with me finally and we talked."
"And this is the part that set it off correct?"
"Partly."
"Okay, go on."
"So we talked and I apologized, I told her the truth that it was partly jealously and partly that I meant it, that I still just couldn't be with her yet and she let out how she was feeling. She said she was no longer interested in me, and what we had was good but she couldn't keep going back and forth with me and she just didn't want to wait until I made up my mind."
"I mean it's understandable Cate, other people have lives too you know, doesn't always have to revolve around you and what you want from them."
"Ouch."
"I'm just saying Cate, not to be mean, you know that. I'm just saying."
"Yeah, I know." I smiled. "And I understand, I really do. I wouldn't want that for her anyways, she's progressing with her life and all I'd do is hold her back by having her wait for something that I don't even know when it would come. She likes someone else anyways."
"She does?"
"Well like she doesn't know where it's going, on her end or on the guys end."
"The one she was at the party with?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"And I just want her happy you know? I'm happy for her if it works out between them, I do still have feelings for her but I have to let her do her own thing."
"Yeah, and it's not like she doesn't have feelings for you still Cate, you guys weren't in love but there was definitely something there and that counts for something."
"Yeah. I just know I ruined it, we said we'd still be friends but taking the break, it was never supposed to turn out this way."
"And sometimes that's the consequence Cate. Not everything will work out the way you want it or how you envision it, but sometimes things happen for a reason."
"Yeah, they do."
"So is that why you wanted to leave? Because of that?"
"It's part of it. After the talk with Lilah, I was talking to Sydney in our dorm. We had a little fight because I said something about her being real close to Lilah. She got mad and said that just because of my issues, doesn't mean she had to stop being friends with her."
"And that's valid, if it was the other way around and you were friends, like real close with one of Lilah's friends and she just made them stop talking to you, wouldn't you be hurt about it?"
"Yeah, I would actually."
"Okay, so yeah just don't worry about that one."
"So yeah, that's why I wanted to leave. She said I was being selfish, and that I needed to figure out my stuff on my own."
"You want my honest opinion?" He asked.
"I do, yeah."
"I kind of agree with her, and don't get mad okay?" I sighed and nodded. "But yes, I think you are. Not all the time, just certain situations you're so wrapped up with your own issues that you're not really taking the time to think about how everyone else feels about the way you're either handling them or involving them into it. You did the right thing about leaving, you do need some time alone to really think about what you want and things like that. And I know it's hard, I bet it feels like everything's just falling apart and you feel like you can't fix it but soon you won't feel like that. You have a lot going on Cate, but I'm here to help you okay?" He put his hand on my shoulder and began rubbing it with reassurance. I really haven't been a good person, friend, lover at all in the last couple months, even my own brother is noticing it. I've gotta do something.
"Thank you Casp, I just I feel like I really lost myself, I've been like drowning trying to find the surface, to find myself again and I've just let everyone around me down. Everyone's doing so much better without me and I guess I just took offense and it made it worse, because while I'm feeling low, it just feels like it's being brushed off. But I can't always expect people to be there, let alone for scenarios to go how I picture them."
"I'm sorry Cate, I should try to be up your ass everyday, I've let it go by sometimes without checking up on you and I need to. You're home now, we'll get you help if you're willing or I can act as a personal therapist." We both laughed. "But whatever you need, please let me know, you're my sister, my baby sister, my bloody twin for crying out loud, I can't let you sink." I smiled at him, tears starting forming in my eyes but I didn't want to cry. Coming home was the best decision I could make, it's the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Like I said, to heal, to find myself and just enjoy my time alone but also with Caspar of course. I'm so thankful for him, I don't know what I'd do without him. I want to get to the point where I'm not dependent on even him because I know for the first couple of days or even weeks cause I'm just that vulnerable, I will rely on him to be okay.
"You sure you want to take on whatever I got though? I don't want my problems to become your problems, that's what I'm most afraid of after everything."
"Don't worry about me Cate, I can deal with whatever life throws at me." He smirked at me, we laughed. 
"Whatever you say Casp." I smirked back at him.

a little bit later;

We finally made it home, I opened my eyes as he pulled into the driveway and smiled to myself. I got out of the car and took a deep breath in then out, even the air felt different here even though I was only 2 hours away. Caspar began unloading my stuff from the car and carrying it inside, I followed him.

"Well, welcome home." He said and gave me a side hug, I smiled again.
"Feels good, almost like I wasn't here a couple of weeks ago." I laughed, he smiled and walked out of the room. I looked over at the dinner table and the moment when Joe went off while we had dinner last played in my mind, I could see and hear it. I closed my eyes and sighed. I looked away and went to grab my suitcases. I walked into my room and set my stuff down, I plopped on my bed and cuddled one of my pillows. I looked over to the other side of the bed, remembering when Lilah was laying there with me that night. I placed my hand on that pillow for a second and frowned, I let go and sat up on the bed. I thought about what I should do first, unpack? Check my courses? Nah. I got up and walked over to my dresser, I opened the drawer with my socks and underwear and pulled out my smoke stuff. I guess I can do this huh. I laughed to myself as I opened my stash to pull out a spliff and lighter. I put them in my pocket and went out to the balcony. Another memory popped up when I walked out there, the one of Joe and I's conversation about everything played in my mind. I cringed at the hurt it gave me and shook it off, I lit up my spliff and took a hit. Ugh I needed this, I thought as I exhaled. I turned to see Caspar come out with me.

"There you are." He said, I smiled and took another hit before trying to pass it.
"Here I am." He smiled back before shaking his head at the spliff. "What? You don't smoke anymore?"
"I don't actually, I quit shortly after you left." I nodded but gave him a questioning face. "It was when Joe started going to counseling, Ollie and I agreed that it'll probably help Joe out with his recovery if he wasn't around things that are triggering."
"Aw, that's sweet of you guys." I said then took a hit. "I didn't smoke while I was over there at Uni, I don't think I ever did besides the first year. Everyone drinks over there so I just didn't feel the need I guess, but here I have access to it so why not?"
"Right. Yeah I get that. It was hard to quit it at first, cigs really. I just wanted to do it for him so that was my motivation to stop." I nodded.
"How has he been doing though? Like truthfully?" I asked.
"Yeah, he's doing good. We're all really proud of him for going cause we didn't have much hope that he'd leave to get better but yeah we're glad he did. He's a different person every time Oliie and I go to see him even though it's been a couple of weeks. I just hope he stays sober when he returns home. Have you not talked to him since then?"
"No, I haven't. It's bad of me to say but no. Lilah's good friends with him now, and while we were talking, she mentioned she'd check in with him every now and then but she never really gave me the jist."
"Ah okay, well you should. Even if it's not to like have a conversation with him, I'm sure he'd appreciate you sending a nice message."
"Yeah I'm sure he would, I will, it'd be nice to send my thoughts." He nodded and smiled, I hit the spliff a couple more times before putting it out.
"So what are you thinking for dinner? You want to make something here, or go out?" He asked.
"Not sure, I'm up for whatever you're thinking Casp. Would you want to make something or go and grab something?"
"I'm down for either to be honest." 
"Oh goodness, we're never going to eat now." I said, we both laughed before walking back inside.

---