Fools

Part 58

lilah's pov;

"Happy birthday dear Lilah, happy birthday to you." Almost everyone sang. I was standing in-front of my cake, Ashton had put up a two and a four candle for me and Tyler dimmed the lights once he lit it. Liam, Drake, Tyler and Ashton were on one side of me, and Sydney, Ethan and Ethan's friends were on the other side of me, everyone else was just scattered in groups either by us or doing their own thing.
"Make a wish." Ashton whispered to me. I paused for a second before blowing out the flames.

I opened my eyes to my alarm clock going off. I smacked it before groaning and sitting up. I had classes this morning sadly, we're starting to do exam prep so class is becoming mandatory. I totally would have slept in longer if that wasn't the case, and I didn't even drink much last night. I got myself dressed, fixed my face and then my hair. I smiled at the thought of last night, it ended up turning out to be a really great party, I had a lot of fun. It's almost the end of the year and the last couple of months have been a real turning point for me, sad it had to take that long though. Once I finished, I slipped my bag over my shoulder and left my dorm.

that same day, but later in the evening, cate's pov;

"Cate, wake up." I heard. I woke up to Caspar hovering over me, I was still on the couch.
"What time is it?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.
"It's almost 5. You fell asleep after like literally 10 minutes, I let you sleep for a while but I've been trying to wake you up for the last hour."
"Damn, really? I'm sorry, I was just really tired." I said, laughing to try and lighten the conversation, Caspar seems like he's a bit upset. I sat right up and shifted around so my legs hung over the couch. "Guess I won't be sleeping tonight." I laughed again, he didn't laugh. "Are you okay dude?" I asked, he nodded. "Okay.. Well I'll be in my room." As I started walking away, I looked back a few times to see Caspar's reaction, he just stared at the floor the whole time. I knew I was hurting him, I could feel his hurt just by being next to him. He doesn't even know about the worst part and I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell him, even if I do end up becoming sober. This is just something that I have to keep to myself, and of course, the people I do it with.

I texted Kira once I got to my room to see if she could drop some off to me, I didn't feel like going over let alone raising anymore suspicions with Caspar. She responded saying she'd be on her way, then Joe called me. I felt myself start to shake, we haven't really talked in about a week or so, and it's my fault because I've been dodging his texts. It's not that I'm not interested in Joe anymore or that I don't want to be with him, I do love him and I haven't stopped. A lot of the choices I've been making are impulse, just for the hell of it, the fun. I keep saying this, but I just haven't felt freer. My whole college experience was just a dream I chased, I tried so hard to fit in and do things that just weren't my character. Drugs once again are not the answer, and hanging with the wrong crowd who enables you isn't either. But I'm just so tired of being stuck in other people's shadows, making my choices based on everyone else's choices because I felt like I had too. No one made me do this, yes Kira introduced me once, but it was my choice to continue it, and the sex? I can't really explain that one other than the fact that it makes me feel like I've regained the power of myself that I lost, I feel in-control. These probably aren't good reasons but they are my reasons. I stared at Joe's name on the top of the screen and the picture of us, I let it ring for a bit before answering.

c; 'hey.'
j; 'hi. sorry, are you busy?'
c; 'no, i actually just woke up from a nap. what's up?'
j; 'i just wanted to talk to you. we haven't in a while and i'm just wondering why? i guess? have you been busy?'
c; 'kinda sorta. i've just been more in depth with life a little, not spending a lot of time on my phone.'
j; 'oh. is it school? school keeping you on your toes?'
c; 'uh yeah, sure.'
j; 'you've still been doing it right?'
c; 'yeah.' i lied.
j; 'okay, well good. i'm proud of you for sticking with it. anything else new with you?'
c; 'joe, it's only been a little over a week. not much has changed.'
j; 'right. but a lot can change during that time though, especially when we barely chat.'
c; 'yeah.'
j; 'okay..are you alright?'
c; 'yes joe. geez, are you?'
j; 'yeah. i also just wanted to tell you, in a couple of weeks i'm getting out for a while. they're remodeling here and we all have to leave for a little bit.'
c; 'where's everyone going to go?'
j; 'well the people that don't have any immediate family or just a place to stay, they get sent over to a different facility for the time being. but since i have a place outside of here that i reside, i'll be coming back to stay.'
c; 'oh, okay. that sounds nice.'
j; 'yeah it does. i'm excited to spend some time with you for a while.' i got a shiver.
c; 'yeah, me too.' i said in monotone.
j; 'you don't really sound like it..'
c; 'joe please stop. anyways, i have to go. talk to you later.' before he could say anything else, i hung up the phone, kira called me literally right after.

k; 'hey girl, i'm here.'
c; 'okay, i'm coming out.' i hung up and walked out of my room.

Caspar wasn't in the living room when I walked out, thank gosh. I continued walking out to Kira's car.

"Hey girlll." She said, I could tell she just did a line before she got here, she had some guys with her in the car.
"Hey bitch." I said back, she smiled and handed me a bag, I gave her a twenty. I smiled back and nodded. "Thanks."
"No prob girl. You didn't wanna come chill with us?" She asked, I could see some of the guys smirking.
"Yeah, come on pretty." One of the guys said, I smiled.
"Ah, I'm alright for today. I've been pissin off the man of the house in there, so I should probably stay." I told them, the only one who would know who I'm talking about is Kira. A lot of the time, the dudes we're with are random and we usually only see them once or twice before we never do again. It's kind of Kira's thing I guess? She's not very female friendly so she tends to hangout with guys, what they do together? I'm not sure, we don't really talk about it and it's not my business anyways.
"Damn, okay girl, well I'll see you." I nodded, she smiled before she drove off. I watched her drive away for a second before I went back into the house, I slipped the bag in my hoodie pocket before I stepped in.
"Who was that?" Caspar asked, he was back out in the living room, sitting on the couch with the tv on.
"A friend." I told him and started walking back towards my room.
"What'd they give you?" I stopped, turned and faced him, he paused what he was watching.
"Nothing, she just stopped by to see if I wanted to chill."
"I saw you put something in your hoodie. What is it?" I rustled my hands through the pocket and then pulled them out, showing him nothing was there.
"Nothing Caspar, see?" He rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you saw, but you know I rest my hands in there sometimes." He stayed quiet. "Okay..good talk?"
"Whatever Cate." He un-paused his show. I stared at him for a little, wondering if he'd look back at me but he didn't. I just walked off.

I locked my room door right after I shut it behind me. I pulled out the little baggy from my hoodie pocket, held it up and gazed a bit at it. If only I did have the guts to tell Caspar but I just honestly don't know how he'd react or if he'd even kick me out or not. There's just so much that comes with being honest that I don't think I'm ready for. Now I have to worry about Joe coming home for a little bit, just let's hope things don't turn into shambles again because I'm starting to feel better. Not that Joe doesn't make me feel better, I feel like it comes off that I just don't give a fuck about Joe, and I'm sure it does obviously but he still does matter to me, he's the real thing I want and I just, with my life choices at the moment, maybe it's best not to string him along with me. I'm not the same person I was at the beginning of meeting him and actually starting my life here, I'm definitely a whole new person and I still need to figure out how much I like this version.

I made out my lines and took them in, let's just get high and stop worrying about shit, for once.

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goodness, i had major writers block on the last two chapters, but i pulled through lol.