Fools

Part 45

that night, cate's pov;

We finally decided on dinner and decided to order chinese haha. I was feeling it, Caspar was feeling it so that's what we decided. We were sitting at the dinner table across from each other as he was unbagging and passing everything out. We began eating and goodness it all looked so good, it feels like such a long time since I've had something like this to eat.

"Good?" Caspar asked, I nodded with food in my mouth and he laughed. "So what's your tomorrow looking like?"
"Not sure. Tonight at least before I go to bed I'll check my courses and see if there's anything I need to complete for tomorrow. You?" I told him.
"Yeah that sounds good. For me, I'm not sure really either. Without my boys here, I don't have anything planned really so looks like I'm joining you with your course-work." I laughed.
"That sounds fun, I don't mind."
"Good cause I wasn't asking." He gave me a stern look and I flashed a smile before taking another bite. "So did you tell anyone you left?" I shook my head. "Why not?"
"I don't know, doesn't matter I guess."
"Of course it does, at the end of the day they are still your friends."
"I know, I just didn't want to seem attention seeking you know?"
"I guess. Do you plan on telling them anytime soon?"
"Maybe, if they ask." He rolled his eyes.
"You're something else Cate."
"I've been told that." I smirked.
"Well if you're not doing any course-work, would you want to go see Joe?" I paused to think about it for a second.
"I don't know Casp.."
"Are you sure? I'm sure he'd like that."
"Yeah I know, I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Maybe here in a few days, I want to get settled in and at least get in an okay mindset before I go and throw myself in another situation."
"It's Joe, what situation could you possibly get thrown into?"
"Good one." I joked, he laughed. "No but seriously yeah, I want to but I just don't want to give myself the wrong thought that I want to be with him again or something."
"Geez Cate, you think that would happen?"
"I don't know, that's the thing. I don't know what my mind is doing or feeling right now and I can't give it more energy to feed off of."
"Yeah, well okay sure we don't have too. Just let me know in a few days how you're feeling okay?" I nodded. We finished eating our food then got up from the table. "Hey, I am really glad you're home, we'll get through this together and I just want you to know how much I love you, okay?" He held out his arms for a hug, I went in.
"Thank you Caspar, for everything. I love you." We pulled away from the hug.
"I'm going to head to bed alright?" He said, I looked at the time.
"It's only midnight!"
"Shh, yeah I know but I'm beat." He gave me one more hug. "Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay, okay. Goodnight." He left the room and I sat at the island.

I pulled out my phone and saw I didn't have any new messages, figures. I sighed then started scrolling through Facebook, I noticed I still had the relationship thing with Lilah on there, I checked her profile and saw she took hers out. She changed her cover photo an hour ago actually, it was a picture of her, Ashton, Sydney, Ethan and their friends, they were either smiling or holding up peace signs. I felt a deep hit in my stomach but I brushed it off and liked the photo anyway. I went back to my page and removed the relationship thing before closing the app. I scrolled through Instagram now where Sydney had posted photos of the night. It was slides, first one was a photo of her kissing Ethan on the cheek, then a picture of her and Lilah with their tongues out, followed by the last photo which was the group photo Lilah had. I hearted the post also before continuing to scroll, let's hope I don't see anymore photos cause I'm trying hard not to let the FOMO hit or even feel depressed about seeing them, I'm probably going to limit my interactions on social media for a while just incase. I finished wrapping up my scroll on Instagram then went to my messages, I decided to message Joe.

to; my cup of joe <3 (i probably won't ever change this)
'hey, how are you doing? caspar told me you went to rehab? i'm proud of you, i hope everything is working out for you. i'm back home now, caspar says we'll come and see you soon. love u. xx'

He responded just a few minutes later.

from; my cup of joe <3
'hey! thanks for the text, it's nice to hear from you:) i'm doing well yeah, it's going good. i honestly didn't expect myself to go, i'm sure everyone else has thought the same. it'd be nice of you guys to come see me, i hope you do. you're home though? the year over already?'

response to joe;
'that's good! i'm glad it's going well for you, it's good to hear. gives us all peace of mind lol. but yes we will, we'll let you know for sure. but no, the year isn't over, it actually ends in about 2 almost 3 months.'

j; 'ah okay. so why did you come home? everything okay?'
c; 'yeah, everything's fine. sort've a long story i'll save for another time.'
j; 'alright, well you can always talk to me.'
c; 'i know joe, thanks. you too though. i'm gonna head to bed now, i'll talk to you later, just wanted to check in.'
j; 'okay sure. talk soon then.'
c; ':)'

I locked my phone and sat at the island for another 5 minutes before getting up to head to my room. I walked by my room and looked toward the balcony, I pulled the leftover spliff I had out of my pocket, shrugged then went outside. I lit it up and took a hit, the stars were so bright tonight and the moon was full, it was the perfect setting. I pulled out my phone and went into my music, I put on my sad playlist. It's sad but so comforting at the same time. 'reunion' by m83 came on through the shuffle, I was going to change it but I decided to just let it play. I continued to hit the spliff and just kept looking up at the stars, each one of them. I don't know where to go from this or what tomorrow will bring, but I'm hopeful. I'm so lost within myself and truly no one else can help me out of this except myself and that's the hardest pill to swallow. I haven't felt this lost since the time Scott and I broke up, those couple of months were the hardest. I honestly hope this healing doesn't take months like that but I don't want to jump into any life changing things just because I feel myself getting better. 'jealous' by labrinth came on and I started singing along. This song always brought some emotion and I could feel it in this moment.

Not only will this healing of myself take time but I'm also going through these emotions of the break-up between Lilah and I. She's right, we weren't ever together or official, but I do have feelings for her and those aren't just going to go away. I really blew it though, I've been thinking that since we had that conversation. I could've handled this break so much better, or just never brought it up to begin with but I just couldn't not tell her how I felt. But now I just regret ever opening my mouth because one, while I was so worried about her getting together with Joe, I didn't even think about what it'd feel like if she got together with someone other than Joe. I hit the spliff a couple more times, I took a couple deeper hits this time and exhaled for a good minute, sighing at the same time. I pushed her somewhere else and maybe I didn't though? She has every power to choose who she entertains but it did happen because we weren't seeing each other anymore. It hurts. She's like all I want to talk to right now but I can't. It's not like she really talked to me since then anyways but still. I miss how our friendship was before everything, getting together or trying I should say, really ruined the foundation we had before-hand. We could get back to that point for sure, but would it ever be the same? Is the thing. I flicked the end of my spliff off the balcony before heading back inside to my room. 

I got under the covers, my music still playing so I changed it to rain. I'll check my courses in the morning, for now I just really want to sleep now. I just really want tomorrow to come already.

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