Fools

Part 49

that same day, cate's pov; 9:34pm

I just finished my second class of today thank god. I hate having this one so late, I start my class at about 5:45 and this is the time I finish? Like ugh, just have the rest of the day taken away now which sucks. I closed my laptop, ran my fingers through my hair and let out a big sigh. I did nothing today besides my coursework, Caspar had been gone all day and I barely talked to anyone besides Joe for like 10 minutes today. I laid back down on my bed and started scrolling through social media in hopes to bring up my mood. I heard a knock on my door a couple minutes later, figuring it was Caspar.

"Come in!" I called out. The door opened and I saw Lilah standing there with a smile. What was she doing here?
"Hey." She said, she set down her bags and slowly walked over to me, almost like she didn't know if it was okay to.
"Hi. I didn't expect to see you?"
"Yeah I know, Caspar brought me here."
"So that's what he was doing." I said, she nodded and smiled.
"I hope it's okay. He didn't want me to mention it and I just don't know how you're feeling with everything."
"Well, I'm not surprised he didn't say anything but it's okay, I'm glad you're here actually." I smiled. She felt it was okay and came to sit down next to me on the bed.
"Good, I wanted to see you. I wish you would've mentioned you went home though."
"I know, I just didn't want to cause any issues or basically want you guys to feel like it was for attention." I said slowly at the end part.
"No of course not Cate, you can do whatever is best for you. Are you feeling a bit better that you're home?"
"I guess, coursework just got a bit harder. I switched to do it online and it's just a lot."
"Damn, yeah. Well you got it, I believe in you. Is it for the rest of the semester?"
"Yeah."
"Cool, cool. I'm sure it's a lot but I hope it works out for you better here than there."
"Why did you come Ly? Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked, she frowned.
"Cate, no matter how we left things, you're still my friend and I still want you in my life. I haven't been a good friend or else I would've realized that you needed help mentally and I'm sorry. Yeah we didn't work out the other way, but I would never put you to the side because of that."
"Oh, well thank you."
"You don't have to thank me Cate, I just want to put everything behind us and continue our friendship. I valued it a lot."
"I agree and yeah me too."
"So how have you been feeling? Like really though?"
"Not great. Just that day was too much for me and I knew I had to go." She nodded. "When I got here I felt better, Caspar's been going out of his way to make me feel better and it's helped until I'm alone."
"I'm sorry Cate. What's your like main conflict you're fighting with right now?" She asked. I felt like I could tell her because it's Lilah but do I want her to know even though it involves her? I don't want to put that kind of thing on her.
"I can't really get into that." I told her.
"Is it me?" There was a pause after she asked. This was the moment to decide if I should just come out and tell her everything. Just not even to her but to someone. It's getting so tiring keeping this all in my head, to myself and maybe I just needed an outlet.
"Ly, can I tell you just pretty much everything?" She nodded. "With no judgement though? And I trust this stays between us. Please don't tell Syd."
"Of course Cate, I promise."
"I just got here and I wanted to be alone, like no relationship nothing. I had it in my head that I'd be able to survive without it and it just hurts because I know I can't. I rely on having someone with me and it hurts to be alone. That isn't why but I started to think that maybe I still have feelings for Joe. Yeah I didn't love him love him, but I loved him and maybe I could forgive him for that much? But then I was thinking more and I just realized to myself that maybe I loved you too. I'm caught up in this love triangle that I can't get out of. I know Joe still loves me, we talk and he mentions it almost every time that we say goodbye. You, you're moving on and are no longer interested but I think about you a lot. That I wish I never took the break to begin with because I just didn't know what I had, thinking that I do love you." Lilah went quiet, I noticed she was playing with the rings on her fingers. "Then on-top of that, I don't know how Syd feels about me, we haven't talked and she doesn't know I left either. We said some things and I just felt like maybe she's better off so I left her alone and that's been hard. I'm just so conflicted because my mind wants something different than my heart. I'm so confused and lost and school takes a lot of energy out of me, I'm just so drained. I'm sorry." I began to cry, she pulled me into a hug. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
"It's okay Cate, just let it out."
"And I haven't told anyone this besides you because I just feel like no one should know. All of these are my own issues and it's nobody's fault but mine that I'm in them and just-"
"Shh, it's okay." She said, she squeezed me a little tighter, I just kept crying. We pulled away after a few minutes and I wiped my under-eyes.
"I'm so sorry Lilah. I haven't been a good person whatsoever, I'm a mess."
"Don't be sorry Cate okay?" I nodded slowly and sniffled. "My best advice is to focus on yourself, I know it's hard but please. Don't worry about what you and I had going on, we're good now. You talk to Joe and you can always figure out your feelings for sure later on and as you guys get closer. Worry about making yourself feel good mentally."
"But isn't that selfish of me? It's what I've been doing before and I got called out on it."
"By Sydney?" She asked, I nodded. "Fuck that Cate. She's not going through what you're going through or even have a clue of how much you're hurting. Be selfish Cate, you need to stop doing things for other people and do what you think is right for you."
"But what if I don't know what's right for me?"
"Time will tell Cate, time will heal everything and that's all you have now is time." I nodded.
"Thank you for coming Ly. I needed this more than I thought I knew."
"Of course. I'll always be here for you okay?" I nodded again and she gave me another hug. This time I squeezed her tightly and took in the scent of her hair, I didn't want to let go.

later that night, lilah's pov; 1:08am.

"Okay, I'm going to go head to bed now. We'll get up early and hangout okay?" I said to Cate as I was heading for the door. We had spent hours talking about a lot of things, we were both getting tired.
"Where are you sleeping?"
"Caspar said I could take his room for the couple days while he sleeps on the couch." I told her, she nodded. I reached for the door knob.
"Ly?" I turned to look at her.
"Yeah?"
"Could you actually sleep in here? With me?" She asked nervously. I let out a faint smile then nodded. I walked back over to her bed and got under the covers, she did the same. "Thank you."
"No prob." I said, I was laying on my back and I started to close my eyes when she tapped me. I turned to my side to look at her. She was laying a bit lower than me on her side so she was looking up at me.
"Could we cuddle by chance?" She asked.
"Are you sure?" She nodded. I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arm around her side, she placed her hand on my arm. We looked at each other for a couple of seconds in the eyes and we smiled from the awkwardness, it was sweet though. She leaned up a little bit, sort've hovering over the side of my face. She stared at me for a second before she leaned in to kiss me, I picked my head up to meet her lips. We kissed for a few seconds before I pulled away. "I-I can't Cate."
"Please..I need you." She softly begged. I laid there for a second to think about it. Remembering how earlier she mentioned she thinks she loves me and everything in between. Then also remembering everything that's happened today with Ashton and I, and how he didn't want me to come for specifically this reason. "Please." She said again. I wish I had more time to think about my actions right now but she's putting me on the spot. Not like I don't want to kiss her but I just don't want to lead her on or ruin anything with Ashton and I. It's not like he'll find out, I just. I don't know, so I went for it. I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek with my palm, I rubbed my thumb across her cheek-bone, looking at her for a second. She was staring at me with her big hazel eyes, her eye lashes fluttering as she blinked. I picked my head up again and she started to lean in. Our lips touched once again, both were soft to the touch. We were intensely making out and probably did for a good half hour, grabbing each other from on-top of our pajamas and she kept pulling my hair. I didn't want it to go any farther than that because I couldn't handle the guilt that would come from doing so.

Towards the end I could feel her mouth change into a sad face as we kissed and I felt a tear hit my face from her. She pulled away and put her head on my chest, wrapped her arms around me.

"I love you. I love you." She said in between cries. I placed my chin on-top of her head and held her closer, I looked around the room when she kept repeating it. I closed my eyes and kept squeezing her. "I love you Lilah."

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